A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Married n confused.Husband has tried cheating online as well as done other things that are wrong.Says he's no longer talking to or doing anything with other females but he wont be open with me on anything.Made clear to me he's not doing anything so no reason U should have any access to his online accounts.I've given him my ac'ount info n still get nothing back from him.Should I be worried? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): It would be nice to give you every reason to try and work on it, but he has no regard for how you feel and shows no respect for you. He set up dates on the internet too. He is not someone i would want to be with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): I suspected a different him.what I mean by that is he started acting differently toward the kids n I after realizing he had been doin things online again.His ex wife after almost twenty yrs contacts him n says happy anniversary n they secretely started talking behind my back as well as her husbands.I got access to his account n read their conversations n it was all mushy stuff about themselves n their memories n what have in common.He got really crazy mad that I found out they were talking n when I asked him to please stop he said no,theres nothin to worry about n changed all online accounts n said theres no way in hell hes lettin me in his stuff n that hes not gonna stop talking to her.If nothin to hide why change accounts n get so bent out of shape? i had spent the sixteen yrs with him hearin how she hurt him so bad.Marriage was a joke due to infidelity.I caught him tryin to cheat by settin up a date online with a stranger never met.Of course tried denying it till I read him the conversations that took place.He wanted to end marriage all cuz I butted in.Theres numerous things that have happened with him online as well throughout our time together.Its fine he have female friends but it seems that about all he chooses to chat with.He has lied twice about talkin with the ex.She has told me they were still chatting cuz he told her I was ok with it all n allowing it.I didnt like it,so no I didnt allow it.No kids to talk about so I felt no reason to talk especially secretely when Im not around as well as when hes at work.I feel if he wants me to trust him then he shouldnt be doin everything behind my back n lying about it.if nothin to hide he should let me see for myself n let him prove me wrong.instead he takes phone everywhere he goes,even to bed.when uses it hes slanted in seat so cant see him.I know he does porn n pics on there but what scares me is since accounts are changed n hes so secretive while i stay at home caring for four teenagers,im afraid im not gonna know next time he is upto something.He claims hes not talking to her or anyone now but how am i to know if hardly here n phone up his butt all the time? I just dont know what to do or think anymore.After all thats happened between us i have no trust in him at all.sad to say but true.he wont go to counseling or talk n be open with me at all.What should I do?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 December 2011):
Hi there. If you are wondering if he really is cheating or not, you only have to look at his general behaviour.
If he is where he says he's going to be and if he is with who he says he's with, well then he is being honest with you in that way, isn't he?
We are talking about trust here.
If he was being all sneaky and hiding his mobile phone, so you couldn't check who he's been speaking with - that would be a concern.
If you came home from work one day and he was on the phone, and as soon as he heard the door open, he either very quickly hung up or else closed the door - that would be deceitful behaviour.
If he doesn't answer a straight question, this could be a concern, although not necessarily.
If he goes out a lot - without you - and then comes home late without explanation, that would be a concern.
Working back late when there is no real need to - like that's not what he would usually do, that would also be a concern.
Anything at all that seems out of character for him, is a concern of some sort.
How he treats you, and how he speaks to you generally, is a clue. Do you still go out and have fun together?
Is your social life as a couple, still the same?
Has your sex life changed - suddenly less frequent or more frequent, for instance. Or no sex at all!
There are lots of subtle clues, and if you observe them closely, they do become clear with time. That of course, is if there are any changes to his what you call "regular" way of being in your relationship.
How did you find out he'd been cheating in the first place?
Did someone else tell you, or did you happen to see him when you were out and about your business, being cozy with a female?
Did you get to know through finding something amongst his belongings - in a pocket (a phone number and a female's name), when you were about to do the laundry?
There are lots of things that can happen that you won't really notice if you aren't looking. So otherwise you are completely unaware.
And how do you also know that he isn't cheating now? Did he say he wasn't?
One of the biggest obstacles to gaining back trust after a partner has cheated, is there is always a nagging suspicion that it still could be happening.
So this is by far your greatest challenge.
If he is displaying none of the behaviours I described earlier, and seems to be behaving pretty normal, there is a better than fair chance that he is being true to you once again.
It might now be a wise move for you to just trust him completely - regardless of any lingering doubts you may have - and continue to trust him, unless he ever gives you a reason not to.
By being confident in him again, it will do much more for the relationship than doubting him ever could.
Continually doubting someone, can actually push people away from you, and that's not what you want. Of course it isn't.
It certainly creates some seemingly insurmountable barriers, where in fact they don't exist anymore. It also puts both parties on edge all the time.
Perhaps he gets angry with you because he really can be trusted now, and he resents that you don't trust him.
When you do start gaining trust in him again, your whole demeanour will change and you will find that you are completely relaxed and at peace with the world. And it will show in how you speak to him and the biggest change it will have, is that you won't be asking him about his movements all the time. So a HUGE pressure will be off him, as well.
This will in turn, help him to feel calm, relaxed and at peace with the world, knowing he won't be interrogated every time he walks through the door.
Can you imagine how good that will feel for both of you?
It will be an experience where you both will actually start enjoying being in each other's company, once again.
Wouldn't that be worth it?
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