A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a very happy marriage until about three months ago. My husband went on a business trip to Thailand and visited a go-go bar where he had protected sex with a bar girl. He got back and confessed the very same night but said he only had oral sex and his Thai colleague paid for it - on further probing I came to know he went all the wayand paid for it himself. We have a beautiful baby girl who is now 9 months old. In other circumstances, I would have left him straight away but I don't want to deprive my daughter of a great dad. I still love him but the trust is gone. We used to be the envy of every couple - true soulmates. I trusted him blindly. I feel very hurt, distraught and though I say I've forgiven him - it keeps haunting me and I keep saying things to hurt him and bring it all back. Help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Ny husband of 33 years also went off with a Thai bar girl - he has lost the respect of his daughter and his son, deserted them also, lost a grandchild - I am left having to work full time and am due to retire - meanwhile a Thai ex-bar girl, the same age as his daughter, travels the world with him, now has her own place, her daughter and mother looked after and I am left picking up the pieces of my life
This was done with no warning - on business and that's what happens
First class bastard he turned out to be - but hey - she loves him - my bet is that £££££££ signs replace love - no fool like and old fool
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): My husband did the same thing although he had planned it before he left. We went on a family holiday in September 2007 and booked again for June 2008. In the meantime, he decided he would take his elderly parents to Thailand in February knowing I could not go because we have a handicapped adult child who could not be looked after in February. I later found out that he had been messaging a woman who had given him massages in Kata Beach and he arranged to meet with her. Apparently that didn't work out and he then met a Thai woman at a bar in Patong and after he came home he left me and plans to return to Thailand after I pay him half the value of the house plus more. I am left with a big mortgage, two daughters and a handicapped son and he is returning there to live with this woman. What a bastard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): Wow, has it occured to you that since he lied about his buddy paying for the sex AND the oral sex, that he could've lied too about using a condom???
He could be bringing diseases to you from a PROSTITUTE!!!
Please, stop calling the whore a "bar girl"!!! Just because he picked her in a bar, doesn't mean she doesn't sell her body like a street prostitute!
Therefore carrying the same diseases as regular street prostitutes... And yeah, I know that ANY woman can have HIV, Herpes or Hepatitis, BUT you won't compare the odds from catching it from a woman who has slept with 10 or 15 men in her life, to the possibilities of a prostitute who probably sleeps with 3+ guys EVERY night! Give or take the rubber!
You MUST leave this man! Not only he doesn't really love you, but he's trying to kill you!!!
Feeling "guilty" and confessing doesn't mean he loves you or that he is a good man!
It only means that the sucker realized the piece of crap he is, and somehow needed to let that out in the open to feel good about HIMSELF!!! So HE could sleep at night! Not because of love! If he loved you, he wouldn't have done something so nasty in the 1st place and put your health, your mental sanity, your marriage and the well being of your daughter in danger!!!
You have all the right to be mad (crazy mad actually) and stay like that for as long as you please. PERIOD. If the inconsiderate bastard can't handle it, than so be it... He should've thought about it before screwing up!
Stop trying to hide your feelings and pretend that you can get over that overnight, when you know VERY well that what he has done in NO way could be considered non-serious, and letting him get away with ignoring the problem and acting as if nothing happend, SHOW HIM what his actions did, make the life of the bastard a living nightmare like he did with you.
And if he leaves, princess... Let me tell you, the job would be done, and you'll be able to move on with your life and find a GOOD man who is not deliberately trying to kill you, because... PLEASE, we ALL know what a prostitute is, and the risks that they carry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007): My husband of 30 years also cheated on me with a Thai bar girl. He too was on a business trip to Pattaya. My emotions have taken me to hell and back. Everything I ever thought to be true in our marriage has been shattered. I am working towards forgiving but I fear I shall never forget or repair the scar left on my heart.
If its any help, I will tell you this. I lived in Thailand for a few months. The atmosphere is unreal. Sex is everywhere, it's so easy. The girls will do anything to get a western man, they push all the right buttons, sex is money! Men have a madness come over them, they believe because everyone is doing it then it must be OK.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2007): i think 'stray' is the wrong word. clearly he feels guilty and told you. if he didnt you would never know. therefor u need to realise that trust isnt really all that gone if u think about it. he wont be doing it again, he hasnt before(or he whould have told you) and he has learnt his lesson from the time he did.
moreover, when put into context with the situation in thailand and in your relationship, it seems more apropriate to call it a moment of madness from a man who was in an unfamiliar situation, which gave thim the thrill he needed.
i think what you need to do is put the thrill back into the familiar situatiion. which will be better for all of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. They really helped. To clarify some of the questions that you had asked -
1. We've been married for almost 4 years.
2. Yes - Life was getting very monotonous - suddenly there was no social life, no outings and everything centered around the baby.
3. My husband was very overwhelmed with guilt and has sworn, promised not to stray again.
4. He said he did it in the heat of the moment and went with the flow on a night out with some male colleagues who were showing him the Bangkok nightlife.
5. The whole encounter lasted about 10 minutes right from the time he picked a bar girl from the stage - to the time he left the place.
6. Yes - I have put on weight after marriage and that bothers him but is that an excuse to stray with a bar girl who had a fabulous figure?
What bothers me is that she asked him if he was married before it all happened. Couldn't he have thought of me then? And now - its like he doesn't want me to bring it up and acts like nothing ever happened. Maybe it is his way of moving on.
I agree with most of you that counselling may work. I also agree with Dr.Pete that I haven't let the anger out and forgave him days after it happened. I would also like to believe that it won't happen again and I'm willing to give him a second chance. But I need someone to hear me out and what I'm going through. I need to deal with my hurt, my feelings, may anger - most importantly - does he realize it?
Thank you all - and if you can give me more insights, it would be great.
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A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (8 February 2007):
 I agree with Dr. Pete. For your husband to confess immediately on his return he must have been feeling sincerely guilty. Millions of married men all over the world do this, some more than once and never tell their wives, even if they love them. So you must be very special to him. Sometimes we think like males and not like a man! It’s not an excuse just a reality of how we can be but we don't have to always be like this. This will probably be such a guilt trip for him that the male will replaced by the man. Had he not told you, you would never have found out but he came clean so give him a second chance... but again as Dr. Pete says you have to go through the anger. Perhaps make him sleep on the couch for a some time. Seeing a counsellor is also a very good idea. Put things in perspective, if you put all the things that you love him in one hand and his moment of infidelity in the other which way will the scales tip? Take care.
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A
female
reader, Daysie  +, writes (8 February 2007):
 I agree with soulsista, once the trust is destroyed nothing will ever be the same again. This is an example of where men's brains are - in their trousers! If he had given thought to what he risked losing then maybe he would not have done it. To some men the risk is what spurs them on to get away with cheating and betrayal. I would say dump him and find a man who loves you enough not to hurt you. I am sure this was just sex for kicks, but you will never be sure that he isn't doing the same in this country for example in a lap dance club or on a lads weekend away. It will be hard for you especially as you have a baby, but your husband must be made to suffer for all the anguish he has put you through - get him out of your life, women don't need men who show no respect. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, bexherbs +, writes (8 February 2007):
 hi,when trust is broken it hard to ever trust to the level you did b4.I think you have to look at what you are prepared to put up with and if he goes away again how will you feel?And if this is the start of betrayel because once is normally a start of more betrayel!
I have 2 say this to u please think of your baby because say if you forgive him and then it happens again and again not only will it break u but your baby too.think hard give yourself time to breath and think things through and make the choice for you alone!and good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): Hey
Do you not think it is a little too early to have trust in him again or to be able to forgive him? I do.
It seems to me that you wish to try and make things work in your marriage and I think that is very admirable. There's a few things though that you need to ensure are happening in your relationship.
First, was this a one-off from your husband? I would guess that men who make a habit of sleeping with girls in this manner do an excellent job at keeping it a secret. It seems your husband was overcome with guilt, and admitted it. Based on the way your husband confessed - would you say he sees this as a terrible mistake - one he doesn't want to repeat again?
Second, were there things within your marriage that he has said were a reason for why he did it? Did he blame it on not being sexually fulfilled in your relationship. Was he sexually fulfilled in your relationship? How have things been in your marriage since the birth of girl? A women’s sex drive can change completely with becoming a mother. None of this is an excuse for his behaviour, but you need to understand the circumstances for why he did it to be able to forgive and for him to make sure he doesn't ever do it again.
Third, how has he been since it came out? And how have you been? It sounds like you may have tried to forgive this too early. You need to be angry at him, and be allowed to express this hurt to him because if you keep it in, that hurt will eventually turn to hate towards your husband. Your husband too needs to be reassuring you in ways that you need to be reassured. Is this communicating happening, or is it arguing? You need to be able to talk about this - but - with the intention of putting it in the past. There needs to come a point where you are able to drop it and not bring it up again - it is at this point that you no longer need to talk about it.
Have you considered counselling?
You are at an ultimate low right now, but if you and your husband are both committed to working through this with the intention of putting it in the past, and being together - happy - then you can do it. Love is about accepting someone’s faults and mistakes - but you should only endure the pain you will go through if you are such he loves you back.
These things do take time - remember that. The pain you are feeling about all of this will get less, and eventually it won't hurt you any more.
I hope things work out for you both.
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A
female
reader, Manya  +, writes (8 February 2007):
First I wonder how long you and your husband have been married. What he did was terrible, terrible, but if he never did it before and will never, ever do it again, then
perhaps you should consider giving him one more chance? You say that you've forgiven him (though haunted), so perhaps eventually the trust itself could heal... At least he knew it was wrong and was honest enough to tell you -- perhaps so that you would put your foot down & keep it from ever happening again!? I think the two of you should see a marriage counsellor who may help you decide.
You have my 300% sympathy however. There you are with a tiny baby and he does this! UGH
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (8 February 2007):
 You need to let him go. Not only did he commit the untimate betrayal, he lied to you about it and that's unforgivable. Some people will tell you to work it out for your childs sake but you deserve to be happy too, you deserve a good life and respect. I know it's going to be hard, but he can be a dad to your daughter without being a lousy husband to you. Many couples do it.
As for what people thought of the relationship, it was wrong. Soul mates do not hurt each other this way and you deserve better. Get out there and find a man who will not betray you and hurt you in this way, or any other way. It's hard to take that step but I think you'll be glad of it in the end. You need to start working on your self worth and discover that you don't need him.
Even if you decided to give it a go, I don't think it can work unless you can truly forgive and forget about this. I, personally, could not forgive or forget this so I would walk straight away. You have to ask yourself if you can forget, if yes then you could work this out. If you cannot, don't live your life wondering whether you can ever move on. Do you really want to spend every day wondering whether he will do it again? Once the trust is gone, there's very little that can be done to get it back.
Move on and find someone who deserves you. He can still be a good father to your child. Good luck
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A
female
reader, kj0483  +, writes (8 February 2007):
have you gone to counselling together? this may help. he knew he made a mistake and that's why he told you part of it when he returned. if counselling doesn't work, then you need to leave the marriage. you and your husband will become enemys if you stay for your daughter and she will grow to resent the both of you. she can still have a great dad even though you may not be in a marriage together. a father is a father, or a dad is a dad and no one can change that.
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A
female
reader, Altindie  +, writes (8 February 2007):
 If you still love him and this is the first time he has done anything to break your trust, then I highly suggest you both see a marriage counsellor. If he is truly sorry AND apologetic for what he has done, then maybe you can patch things up.
But remember he has to earn your trust back, make him earn it!
It's good that you want your daughter to have a dad, but no dad is better than a bad dad! (violent, sexually deviant or emotionally abusive)
Both of you should also see a doctor and get tested for things like STIs and other sexually transmitted diseases, because they are rampant in countries like Thailand.
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