A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:*Sorry if it is lengthy**I am in desperate need of advice. To be blunt to start out with, my husband reluctantly told me that he doesn’t find my body to be attractive. I am 24 years old, about to turn 25 next month. My husband is 28 going to be 29 in June. We have known each other since I was about 19 or 20. My best friend was neighbors with his sister and that’s how we met. We became really close, best friends until about a year and a half ago and then we got married back last 4th of July. My husband is very successful. Has a well-paying job, very smart/well educated. He is funny and very selfless, always willing to do anything to help anyone. On top of all of that, he is very attractive. If you have ever seen the show “White Collar” or know who Matt Bomer, who plays Neal, is, they look a lot alike. I never thought in a million years he would be interested in a relationship with me. I feel like I am on the opposite side of the spectrum. As my grandmother always so nicely likes to put it, I have the Renaissance woman’s body; like in the old paintings, small breasts, bigger hips/butt/thighs, little bit of stomach. I do in fact work out and cut back on food, but my tall frame has always had a harder time losing weight no matter how much I do. Regardless, he has always told me how beautiful I am, how cute and pretty my facial feature are, and how wonderful of a person I am on the inside.Anyway, I have a very high sex drive, probably just as much as he does. I have always loved sex with my husband. Throughout our marriage (we waited to have sex until then), I noticed that I seem to be the one that initiates it the most. I got tired of not feeling wanted physically. He satisfies me plenty emotionally and mentally, but I don’t feel sexy, I don’t feel wanted in that way. I finally just asked him why, and he hesitantly told me it’s because he doesn’t necessarily find my body type attractive. I knew I wasn’t his type at all. In fact, his girlfriends that he had while we were friends looked literally like they could be in Playboy or walk in the Victoria’s secret runway show. And I have seen the type of porn stars he watches, just like his ex-girlfriends. But he constantly told me that he loved me more than he ever did them and that we connect in an amazing way.So now I not only feel completely insecure and not good enough, I feel guilty. Like this whole time we have had a sexual relationship, he didn’t think my body is sexy or attractive. He now tried to back track and say that he meant it for health reasons, but it was too late (btw, I am overweight according to the BMI scale, but have doctors approval in every other aspect of weight and health altogether). I suggested marriage counseling for the both of us to try and work through it, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t understand why he would want to marry me. A relationship (emotionally and mentally connected) without sex is basically or almost friendship right? Advice? Input?Thank you.
View related questions:
best friend, breasts, ex girlfriend, grandmother, his ex, insecure, overweight, porn, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo we were able to talk earlier about his comment. I told him that what he said I couldn't get out of my head and we needed to come to an understanding. He once again apologized completely and we both agreed to try out some counseling. We both know that we do not want our marriage to end and that we love each other too much to have anything, big or small, tear us apart. Thanks again for all of your posts, advice, and comments. I appreciate them.
xoxo
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 January 2014):
 As I said, what he said was a relationship nuclear event. He can't unsay it. It's out there and you need to deal with it.
Go get counseling. If you are as emotionally connected as you portray, then you should be able to work through this.
As there was no real passion mentioned and you are not conveying much lust, I guess it's not really surprising that the sexual connection isn't there for him. I guess you chose not to have sex to avoid its "interference" in a relationship and here that avoidance has come back to bite you. Perhaps his sex drive is very low and that's why he didn't try to get sexual with you.
You keep going on about your body. This has nothing to do with your body. This has everything to do with the relationship's arc, as you describe it. You were good friends, you stayed good friends during the courtship phase and you remain good friends. You just aren't lovers.
He said he didn't find your body type attractive. That's a pretty major thing to say and perhaps its subconscious intention is to cause you to avoid initiating sex.
I wonder if he's really heterosexual, and decided to marry you in this very unromantic relationship, because he just doesn't want to face that either.
Anyway, it's all speculation.
Get you two into counseling ASAP or this marriage is pretty well doomed to fizzle away under the weight of unspoken resentment and your dwindling self-esteem.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry if I didn't mention, but yes, we are Christians. He wasn't a virgin, but I was. We both saw how sex can interfere in a relationship with others.Our relationship emotionally and mentally is amazing. We could lie in bed for hours holding each other just talking and cuddling, we don't mind staying in for a night just the two of us, we can go and get dressed up for a night out on the town, or just put on jeans and a tee shirt and go to a baseball game. I never had a very big issue with what my body looks like. I had days like every other person where I felt insecure, but not like this. I just hate that my husband is dissatisfied with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): You seem to have a good basis for a marriage but lack passion. I'd say its unusual for a man of his age to have this lack of sex drive. There must be a reason and you need to find out what it is. Could be any number of things from a medical condition, depression, stress, religious beliefs through to being gay!
So I'd both go see a councillor who can find out what is going on with him. It may be as simple as being very stressed at work and not admitting it or a more serious issue. Either way you are married and you wont stay married very long with you feeling not good enough for him and this issue feeding your insecurity.
...............................
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (24 January 2014):
 CindyCares just said very interesting things about your case - for what we can know of it - and if I had to tell further, as she may be right, your husband is MAYBE afraid of his new responsibilities.
As said CindyCares, doesn't he feel he married too soon ? Perhaps he feels it somehow wasted his "best years on earth" and doesn't want to let it go by becoming more adult than needed.
Moreover, remember well, haven't you talked recently of "making a baby" and (1) from that point he was not able to disconnect sex and baby (2) he can't figure himself as a father for any reason just you and himself know ?
If your husband is somebody really clever and serious, the "baby idea" may be the brake that stopped your intimacy, whether it's the idea in itself, or the way he may consider you now more like a wannabe-mother than like his wife/sex partner ?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): For the responders suggesting that you are taking it too personally, how else can you take it when the person who has sworn to love you emotionally and sexually says they are not attracted to you?
This is a *big* deal. I suggest that you wait for a day when you are at home all day. Bring it up in the morning and ask him why he married you and what you can both do to make it work. Ask in a non confrontational way so that he will be comfortable enough to be honest. Let him know how it feels when you don't feel appreciated sexually and tell him what you'd like more of.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 January 2014):
 Like Tisha 1, I am perplexed too about the meaning of " we waited to have sex until married because we did not want to deal with the issues and stresses of having sex ". What does it mean ?
What issues and stresses were you foreseeing ? Two people in love, and engaged , do not normally associate sex with issues and stress. If you had said we abstained for religious reasons, because our religion does not admit premarital sex - OK, I see it differently but I zip my mouth. But , in lack of a religious prohibition, two seriously committed young people, what issues could they have with sex ? And if there were going to be issues and stresses, - better get them out of the way before the wedding. It's not that people's mentality/sexuality/desires just flip around 180 degrees on the wedding day.
Again to quote Tisha 1, there's no mention of passion, lust, mutual attraction here...
It would sound like you two took each other because it sounded like a good idea... on paper. He smart , educated, successful... you a nice girl, intellectually compatible ..two good friends getting along famously...
It seems you have omitted to check if there was also mutual chemistry. Why ?
Sorry, I cannot be so lighhearted about this like other posters. Chigirl says " just mind what HE said " and she is perfectly right, but what HE said is serious for a new husband !, he said , I am not attracted to you enough to want intimacy with you. Attracted at skin level, at chemistry level, I mean . I do not doubt that he is sincere when he says you are beautiful and your face is lovely etc. I also do not think there's anything wrong with your Renassaince style body. Case in point, the Venus of Botticelli has small breasts, large hips and a bit of a belly, and so far she has enchanted and fascinated millions of viewers.
Nevertheless, the alchemy within two bodies is mysterious , irrational, hard to describe.. but it should be there for both, and it seems he does not feel it that much. So, sorry, but I don't think this is just about " hurt ego " or insecurity. There's something missing in this still new marriage- passion.
How do you deal with an otherwise great marriage lacking in passion. That's a hard one, because it's not that he is moderately attracted to you, in order to spite you. He loves you, he has married you, he is your best frend. If he could desire you like crazy and ravish you with unbridled passion, he WOULD.
I guess you could try marriage counseling- not that a marriage counselot can make you lust for a specific person, but sex iis often just a metaphor for something else, a lack of desire is the physical expression of an unresolved inner and subconscious conflict. Maybe his lack of physical enthusiasm for a woman whom he nevertheless finds beautiful, is the way he express his resistance to other aspects of his relationship with you, that he is not even aware of. Like, if he were worried about the responsibilities he has taken upon himself by getting married, and he felt he got married too soon, without being really ready, for instance, THAT could be his way to express it. If it's something like that, a counselor could help you.
Or, you just review your expectations about love and marriage, and accept that you can have a great , harmonious marriage with a compatible person, just less sexual than you'd want. Still better than the opposite: great sex.. and not getting along out of bed.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): Oh I also wanted to add, when you do have sex get down and dirty sometimes. It doesn't all have to be romantic and tender. Throw on a thong and knee highs and get on your knees and give him head when he gets home from work. When he is watching tv, take the remote out of his hand, straddle him and f*** the shit out of him. Play with yourself in front of him. It's okay to be a whore with your lover. He'll probably like that a lot.
And like I said, WORK OUT. It is going to make you feel better about yourself and it is going to make him happier with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): Yes a sexless marriage is no good. I am firm believer in sex before marriage for this exact reason. Sex is important and you should be sure you have sexual compatibility before committing to living a life together. What he told you was not nice at all though. That would make me feel really insecure and it could leave scars within you making you feel insecure. If he wasn't attracted to you he shouldn't have married you. I really don't get where his head is at or why he would say that. You guys have got a pretty serious issue. And not trying to scare you but if he is not having sex with you, a 28 year old man is probably going to be getting it elsewhere. Men that age have a pretty high libido and it is only going to go up in his 30's. When he is working those "late hours" or he is out on business...I think you should stop being so insecure and toughen up a bit. And stop putting him on such a high pedestal. Obviously this guy isn't all that great if he would say something like that to you. Guys like confidence and dignity in a woman even more than just a fine body. You are not really displaying either which may be the reason his level of not being attracted to you is heightened. First off stop feeling sorry for yourself. If there is something about yourself you don't like, do something about it! Anybody can be thin and have the body they want, so you have to stop making excuses that you were just built that way or you can't lose anymore weight. Of course you can. I have big hips and ass and guys love it. My ass is my best asset, I've been told. So not sure how on earth your husband would not like that. What you need to do is shed some of the fat. No excuses! Your BMI should not be overweight. It is not good to let yourself go. When you look good, you feel good. Stop making excuses, get on the treadmill and start working out. Get on a diet plan so you start losing weight. F*** your husband, do it for you! I am not defending your husband here, but if I was married to someone who let themselves go and was overweight, I might lose my attraction to that person. Cause it would make me feel like he doesn't care enough to be a better person for me. Marriage and relationships take work. Just as he stays in shape and you find him so good looking and successful, he wants the same from you. Think about all the things you love about him and mirror him and be that person for him. If I were you I would focus all my energy on getting in shape and getting my confidence back. Once you reach your goal weight, once you feel good about yourself, you can think about what he said and how you feel about him. But you can't do that rationally if you don't have confidence in your self. And the only way to feel confident is to like yourself. And I think getting on a workout and a diet is an excellent start.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): I think Chigirl said it perfectly, she wrote exactly what I was thinking as I read this. I just wanted to add a bit of male perspective, especially in regards to his sex drive.Listen. I've known men who were with women that weren't Playboy models. They still wanted sex often and regularly initiated it. I've known men who admitted they weren't physically attracted to their partners. They still wanted sex often and regularly initiated it. (According to them they did, obviously they could be lying I guess.)Personally, I've dated women with all sorts of different body types, some of which I found much more attractive than others..I initiated sex with all of them often, because I like having sex often when I'm in love. And no, love and sex are not two completely different things. They're not the exact same thing, you can have one without the other, but they are very much connected in many ways.Did you know that 30% of women say they want sex more often than their partner? This is a fairly common situation. You said it seems you initiate it the most...but what does that really mean? Are you initiating it 51% of the time? 2/3rds of the time? 3/4ths of the time? It may be that he's initiating fairly often, but you're getting a slanted view because, I think it's fair to say, you're self conscious about your appearance and attractiveness. Try to take a step back and look at it objectively. Does he really initiate it as infrequently as you think?But still, one in five men has a low sex drive. If it is true that he doesn't initiate sex very often, I can say with a high degree of confidence that him not initiating sex with you has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. I would bet you that he initiated sex with his ex girlfriends no more often than he does with you. He simply gave you the line about not being attracted to your body type because you put him on the spot, regarding something he's probably given no thought to whatsoever, and forced him to give you an answer. You should listen to what he has to say when he "backtracks" because, without the pressure of you asking and with some time to think, it's easier to figure out what the real answer is. Don't just dismiss it as him trying to take back something he said. You put him in a difficult situation, at least give him a fair chance to get out of it. The combination of his low sex drive and your lack of self confidence put you two in a terrible situation. But it's not something you can't work through. A marriage counselor can help, but I think you both have very individual problems that you can solve separately first. His low sex drive and your low self confidence. Solve those and your marriage should be just fine.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 January 2014):
Not hearing much in the way of passion here, you are in your 20s, right? So you two were prodded go out on a date by friends and then you did.
And then after x amount of dinner dates all of a sudden he proposed?
You wrote about why you waited to have sex: "We waited until marriage because we wanted our dating and engagement time to be about us growing as a couple without the issues and stresses of sex mixing in."
What issues and stresses would sex cause? Isn't sex a good thing?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, we were out at a mutual friends' cook out and we were sitting together at one of the tables talking. Some of our friends joked that I was his date for the evening and he got quiet for a moment and looked over at me after they walked away and said that he would like to take me out on a 'real date' if I would let him. I accepted of course.We actually tried to find a fancier place to eat a couple days later for our 'official' first date but they were so packed everywhere that we decided to make our own dinner together. It was very romantic.Further down the road, he was the one to ask me to marry him and we had a small wedding in his parent's back yard.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 January 2014):
Thank you for the update and more info.
"We dated for a year solid, then got married 6 months right after."
So, who initiated the first date? Who kept the dating going?
Who asked the other to get married? Did you elope?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thanks for replying.To answer your question Tisha, we had been very close friends for the three or so years we had known each other. Our families at that point became very close as well. It wasn't until his family went on a vacation and he stayed behind did we start getting even closer; hanging out one on one more often, going places together, etc. It was like one of those moments where you look at the other person and you just see them differently; something other than friends. And it just went from there. We dated for a year solid, then got married 6 months right after. I really am not trying to go crazy or be mean or anything. I just had a very rough time growing up with people saying things to me about my weight. And just to be clear, if anything I am a little overweight. I am not obese. We waited until marriage because we wanted our dating and engagement time to be about us growing as a couple without the issues and stresses of sex mixing in. And I'm not necessarily mad at him. I know that he is allowed to find whatever he likes attractive and vice versa. You're right, it did hurt my ego. I have always viewed sex as very important and very intimate. I see it as two people at their most vulnerable coming together as one and expressing how much they love each other. So in my head, whether I am right or wrong in this feeling, is that he is in some way rejecting me not only physically but emotionally. I know it sounds crazy but it's just how I feel.Thanks again guys.
...............................
A
male
reader, Gauntlet +, writes (24 January 2014):
A lot of good opinions have been given to you by two people I praise for their always-good advices they provide here, Chigirl and Tisha-1 (sorry for the rest, who said good things too).But there is a question that have not been dealt with: what is your conception of love ?You told us your husband is very clever, very well educated. Maybe he has already reached the point he understood that look is not everything. He maybe knows as well that sex has nothing to do with love. Sex is a body function, exactly like eating, and if you want to connect it to love, that's up to you, but they are actually two very different things.Yet, you seem to believe a marriage without more or less sex is just friendship, which doesn't fit your expectations...You should have a discussion with your husband about how he thinks sex is and/or should be, the importance of it in love and in a marriage, all that stuff in a generally speaking discussion without connecting it too directly with your own case. You could be surprised by what you will discover.Secondly, excuse me to be too graphic, but your tastes in sex are not... how to say... a little bit too exotic for him ? There are sometimes people asking us how to deal with anal for instance, a girl who like it best and want her boyfriend to do it for her while it disgusts him to practice that sort of sex. A lot of women think men are like dogs who "fuck everything that moves" in every way possible, but that's fully wrong, and if one is disgusted by some too hardcore tastes or anguished by needs too frequent, they can suddenly take a break... that may last a long, long time to heal.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 January 2014):
 A marriage without sex - when one of the partners wants it - is doomed to failure.....
What you need to do is sit hubby down, some evening after dinner.... and pour each of you a glass of his/her favorite wine, and say this to him:
"Say, Hunchy-bunchy, when we got married we had a pretty hot sex life.... which I liked...and I thought you liked it, too.... Lately, you've been a bit reserved about sex, to the point that I'm feeling insecure. YOU are a hunk who could have any cute thing he wants.... just give her a wink, and off come her clothes....
AND, you say you don't find my body attractive. So, Hunchy Bunchy, I think that we (you) are at a crossroads. Do you want to take your chances at getting and keeping one of those arm-candy tarts by your side... and hoping that she isn't a gold-digging, money-grubbing and insufferable bitch? Who will put out for you, briefly... and then you'll find yourself in divorce court finding that you're going to have to give HER half of the half that I didn't get, when I got finished with you....
Or, do you want a wife who is dedicated to you and our marriage... and will keep you in the hottest sex you could ever imagine? ... and I mean including that disgusting, contrived porn that you like so much?
That's what I wanted to talk about, this evening. What are you thoughts on this matter?"
THAT should get him thinking and talking ...
Good luck....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): You're so young! This is such a superficial world we live in.
You even likened your husband's looks to an actor. Who happens to be quite a looker. I am a gay man; so we are subjected to very high standards regarding looks in the gay community. You must work out, be fit; and if you can't be young, you have to be rich.
All people can't compare on the high-end spectrum of the scale, when it comes to body-type and facial features.
The average person falls on the moderate to just above-average scale, realistically.
Those with exceptional beauty and perfect physiques are not always limited in attraction to people who match them in comparison. They do actually fall in love with ordinary-looking people for who they are. Their physical attraction is consistent with their emotional attachment. They know love doesn't always come perfectly wrapped.
Your husband didn't have a problem falling in love with you, and marrying you. He's up to something.
Why the sudden change? It's not you. He doesn't want to be married to an average-looking lady anymore. He raised the bar. Knowing exactly how you'd react to such a crush to your self-esteem and your ego. It's one of the worst things a person could ever hear from their spouse.
I am willing to speculate that he is going to suggest breast augmentation and liposuction. First he has to reduce your self-esteem. Make you feel unattractive as you are.
Next he has to butter you up. So he'll back-track; so he doesn't look like a total asshole. He'll subtly start making suggestions about surgical augmentation; while your self-confidence is at it's lowest. This will make you more receptive to the suggestion. More open-minded about drastic changes to your body.
When he starts hinting around at cosmetic surgery,
put your foot down. Do not put your body through anything unless you absolutely want to. Women spend thousands on cosmetic surgery; and end up looking monstrous from botched procedures. Be very very careful!!!
Do everything only for the sake of health and vitality. Eat a nutritious diet of fruits and veggies, cut down on sugar, and don't walk around hungry.
Diet and exercise is sufficient for health maintenance.
You're already doing that. If it isn't working, it is often because you need a personal-trainer to teach you how to isolate areas that need work. They can train you how to body-sculpt and make the best of what you have. There is nothing wrong with making improvements. It's going to extremes that is what you should avoid at all costs. It could destroy your body.
I know a lot of women are going to come to your defense; and pile on top of your husband. You're married. So you can't just walk away, and you have to address this issue. He just dropped a bomb on you!
You're his wife. You're going to be inclined to do whatever it takes to please him. I hope you'll do what's best for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, catcher00 +, writes (23 January 2014):
You seem like a lovely couple. You're overlooking the fact that love and marriage go far deeper than beauty, which is only skin deep. Your husband is wise. He knows this. He has had his fill of other types of women. He deliberately and willfully chose you to be his wife. The biggest threat to your marriage right now is your own insecurities, not your weight. You did not gain 50 pounds recently. He married you as you are. I think perhaps instead of losing weight you should work on your strategy of sex. He knew your appearance before marrying you. What he did not know is how you were in bed. This may be the issue and now that you're insecure it will only be worse. You may need personal therapy, not marital therapy, to overcome your issues. He was probably confident in his choice to marry you before you started pointing out your own flaws.Stop doing that. Also do not bring up his ex's ever... In your own head or out loud to him. Forget them. They are old news. Don't compare yourself to porn stars. You add something to his life that they never could. No offense but you seem a tad irrational in your question. One comment you practically yanked from his month and probably spoon fed him, and you've gone all to pieces. Be thankful that you have a husband who is mature and smart enough to see true beauty and an ever lasting love. Stop doing your best to ruin the love affair he is trying to have with you. Lastly, consider this: when a man marries a woman he is vowing to be with her forever. Show me one Victoria's Secret model who is 60 years old? No matter how beautiful the bride, sooner later she will be old and unattractive. Your husband is a smart man indeed. He married for love. What a wild scheme!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2014):
You left out a lot in the courtship stuff.
You went from being friends to being married. Who made the first move? You were old enough to be sexually active, did you wait to have sex on religious grounds? It sounds like some story told by someone who doesn't have all the information.
That being said, I think this is a relationship nuclear event. He told you that he doesn't find your body type attractive. This of course means that you now have information about the way he thinks of you and your body that you didn't have before.
This comment now has you questioning your entire marriage and you are slipping into self-doubt and questioning your own innate attractiveness.
He said it. It has to be dealt with.
Go find a really great marriage counselor and start working on it.
And please answer this question, how did you go from being friends to getting married? There's a big void in this tale.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 January 2014):
 "he hesitantly told me it’s because he doesn’t necessarily find my body type attractive. I knew I wasn’t his type at all"
ONLY take into account what HE has told you. Not the things you speculate in, guess at, or assume. You assume to know his type, you look at the porn stars etc. Don't. You don't know, you can't read his mind, and you are speculating because your hurt ego is trying to find reasons to say "What an asshole he is, he knew all along I wasn't his type" or "What an idiot I am, I knew all along I wasn't his type". Cut that crap. You didn't know all along you weren't his type, quite the OPPOSITE: He told you, and you were told, and as far as you were concerned, you were his type. End of that discussion. Deal only with the facts here.
He told you he might not be that attracted to your body. Okay. Could also be he doesn't have that high of a sex drive, and instead of saying that (which would mean he is the problem) he puts the problem on you. Which isn't fair, or nice, but it could be a possibility. And maybe the guy just doesn't know himself well enough to know that he has a low sex drive. Could be he thinks he's just normal, and that you are the one who wants too much. Could be. Not everyone are full of self insight.
You waited with sex until you were married, so I will say, obviously, going without sex for long periods doesn't bother him. Which points to a low sex drive. Which has nothing to do with your body.
"I feel guilty. Like this whole time we have had a sexual relationship, he didn’t think my body is sexy or attractive"
That's your issue. You take it personally. This isn't critique, and how would you having the body you have be an offense to him anyway? He knew what you looked like, you weren't covered up in a burka until the day you married. So drop that. That's your hurt ego talking again, and it is a ridiculous idea.
"I don’t understand why he would want to marry me"
You wrote, in this post, why he married you. And you know very well why he would want to marry you. You know your husband. This "I don't know" is your hurt ego again, trying to feed your insecurities by robbing you of the truth. Because you know he loves you, and like you said he's gentle and good, and doesn't run around trying to be mean to everyone. Right? So he didn't say this to hurt you, he tried to talk to you. And, as it often does with these topics, it comes out the wrong way because people tend to be extremely touchy about their appearance. Especially women. Especially women who might not really approve of themselves. Like you. Who try to lose weight, but don't. The comment hit you below the belt, because I bet you tell yourself the same thing every day. You just didn't think you'd hear it from your husband.
But what your husband also tells you every day, I guess, is that he loves you. So don't "forget" why he married you. Keep all the facts on the table before you continue this talk with him, and keep an open mind. Things aren't always the way they seem. Don't assume the worst, don't make up fake "evidence" in your mind. Stick only to the cards on the table when dealing with this, or things can escalate pretty fast.
Talking about body issues in a partner is never easy. Now, like I said, it could be this has nothing at all to do with your body. But if it does, you need to not jump to conclusions. Take a deep breath, calm down, and talk to him after you've both had time to cool down and breathe... Then take it from the beginning. Tell him how you've felt during sex. Ask him how it was to wait with sex for so long before you married. Was it easy for him? Maybe ask him to write down why he married you, so you can get it in writing and remind yourself of this during the conversation. So your hurt ego wont convince you of anything else.
Just talk. He's attracted to you, but something is wrong in this dynamic, and you must figure out why. He knew what you looked like before you married... My guess is, this isn't really about you at all, but about him having a low sex drive and not being able to explain it. Give him time to find the words, don't attack him.
Marriage counseling is probably a good idea, but the work needs to be done by the two of you, not the councilor. My advice would be for you to see separate councilors and then talk afterwards.
...............................
|
