A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The problem I have is that my husband regularly has pointless, angry outbursts and I'm the only one around to hear them. In front of other people he's as quiet as a lamb. We love each other. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me every day (when he's not raging about something). The outbursts usually aren't directed at me (but sometimes he will shout at me for asking some simple question or making a request), but affect me all the same as shouting really puts me on edge. The smallest things will make him angry and then he will shout and swear, storm around and/or bang his fists on his desk etc. I have tried telling him that this behaviour puts me on edge and makes me feel upset but it has not changed anything. The problem now is that after so long of being ground down I am feeding his negative behaviour by being negative myself when he gets in a mood about something. I try to stay level headed but we very often because he reactions to the smallest things are way over the top. What can I do to help him see that his behaviour feels/is destructive? My dad was very similar when I was growing up and I feel like I've lived a life of walking on eggshells. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): Like you, I also have a very temperamental husband. At first I was so shocked, I would just cry. Eventually I toughened up. Why didn't I leave? Love I suppose. The fear of being alone. There are times when things are good between us. But he gets over emotional about things that I do not understand and can't really control his own outbursts. He has never gotten violent. I doubt he ever will. But his can be verbally vicious. I have learned to give it right back to him. I would hate for any of our friends to walk up to the door during one of our rows. They would probably be shocked, because in public he is completely different. Yes, it does steal a certain amount of your self confidence. Makes you feel worthless and unattractive. Even when they aren't angry, you still don't feel like you are valued. I have tried everything; telling him (when he's not mad) how it makes me feel, how damaging it is. He seems to want to change but can't. I think it's a lack of self control. His Dad was a tyrant as well I'm told. And my husband suffers from being short in stature, so he was probably picked on as a child and grew up with small-man syndrome. At any rate, I suppose his angry outbursts haven't killed my love for him. And like others, sometimes I pick up my purse and leave the house, go see a movie, go out for a drink with friends. I deliberately stay gone a very long time. When I return he is always apologetic and sweet. It seems to bring on an attitude adjustment. Just know your life will always be like this. He will never change. You just have to learn how much you will let it affect who you are. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking the time to respond :) The support is greatly appreciated.I'd just like to add that, unlike my father, my hubby doesn't seem to be using his behaviour to try and control me. As I said, his outbursts aren't usually directed at me - I just happen to be in the room having to listen/watch lol. He has battled with depression in the past and I get the feeling that the tantrums have become some coping mechanism for him somehow. (Having been a long time sufferer myself I can understand how one may develop various coping measures etc.) Particular thanks to Getta as this is something I will certainly look into. My hubby has always been very supportive of me, and - while I don't feel appreciated all the time - unlike relationships in the past I can see he genuinely wants to make me happy. I just need to find a way to get in there and help without threatening or throwing around ultimatums etc. Today he threw a tantrum because his PC is broken. (In fairness broken tech is one thing that makes me throw a strop sometimes!) Posting here allowed me to think and reflect properly: I made sure to stay level headed and calm and told him that I'm happy to help him get it sorted and that getting angry is only going to upset us both but solve nothing. Before he got too riled up he apologised for his outburst and, thanks to no PC games (haha!), we spent a lovely evening watching films together.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (15 March 2014):
 I hear you completely! We love each other… He has pointless, angry outbursts… In front of other people he's as quiet as a lamb... The smallest things will make him angry and then he will shout… I have tried telling him… I try to stay level headed
However I must share after a period of time living on the edge, keeping a level head and exercising rational ultimatums with my filthy tempered partner; I broke down from his abhorred mood raging temperament by giving him a WHACK over his head. (Just as you see in Comedy sketches...)
In his case it certainly knocked the living neurons back into there rightful place in his brain! No medication required and no more eggshell carpeting in this household! :) One or two rational ultimatums were also put into practise.
I do not suggest you or anyone do this comedic sketch, but it just goes to show how one (even I, as I am no Saint) can be bought to a breaking point!? This is how if I may use your words; “The problem is that after so long of being ground down I am feeding his negative behaviour by being negative myself…” Simply put; two wrongs don’t make a right. (I would further hope that children don’t see his behaviour towards their Mother, lest they copy this.)
Here I have always believed that my home is my sanctuary. I am not meant to fear or live in fear of anything nor anyone within these walls, period! Therefore my mind tells me to protect it, rightly or wrongly, it’s non-negotiable territory for me.
Nonetheless, to date I have him quiet as lamb at home after learning some techniques given by a Counsellor and the fact he can leave with my permission or expect another headache, joking of course :)
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2014): This reminds me so much of what it was like with my ex. He would have these random outbursts, and sometimes it would get physical (not towards me) but he would punch holes in the wall and I don't even know how many plates got smashed. He was also quiet around other people and when I told one of my friends about what he'd done once, they said "What, Jim? No he didn't".In time, those outbursts became about me, I was doing something wrong, I wasn't good enough, I'd never find anyone else, so I better not even think about leaving, etc. etc. etc. He wore me down. His behaviour had an extremely negative effect on me and I lost a lot of self confidence. I always used to speak my mind, but I never did around him, in case he had an outburst. I fooled myself into thinking I stayed because I was in love with him, but the real reason was because I felt trapped. I was far away from family and didn't have another choice, I couldn't just leave our house and go to stay with friends or family... because I didn't have any, I was too involved with him. And also, I didn't want to admit two conflicting things... Firstly that the relationship had gone wrong after such a short period of marriage (two years) and secondly that I had put up with that kind of behaviour for such a long time (five years!)Then I had a pregnancy scare. I thought a baby was all I ever wanted, but then all I could think about was what he would be like around our child. Would he still be angry around it? Would it grow up in fear of its own father? I came to realise I didn't want him as the father of my children. At that point I knew I had to get out, so when I lost my job, I moved back in with my parents, saying it was to look for a job. It was partly that, but partly that I need a fresh start. We tried 'long distance' for six months... Before I broke it off. I finally felt confident enough to do it, with 500 miles between us, surrounded by family and friends. I'm not saying you need to end it with your husband, but my ex didn't change, I don't think he ever will. His grandfather and dad had the same temper he did. In my experience, there isn't a way to deal with his behaviour... other than to completely remove yourself from the situation. You don't have to hold back your whole life. However I am intrigued by the other poster who said it could be medicated... Maybe that could be an option for you. I know it would never have worked for me because my ex refused to ever acknowledge his anger was a problem. I hope it all works out, whatever you decide to do xx
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (14 March 2014):
 SVC has it just right. Next time that hubby launches in to one of his tirades, YOU say to him:
"Hey, (his name here), TIME OUT!!! This is the first and only time that I am going to say this to you..... Your behaviour - this tantrum - is stressful and unacceptable to me. IF it continues (now) I will be leaving... and may not EVER return. If it stops now, and you have yet another such tantrum in the future, I will NOT have this conversation with you, then. I will leave. I WILL NOT live my life being the object of YOUR unacceptable behaviour.... so take this as the ONE - and ONLY - "discussion" that we will have about this behaviour. Is that perfectly clear?"
Then, be prepared to leave and never return. Ultimatums suck.... but, sometimes they are all you've got....
AND, once you make one, you've got to have the guts to stand by it. Do YOU????? (Or, are you content to be hubby's kick-ball for the future??????)
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2014):
 yep my husband "lets his hair down" around me too.. why is it that wives are always the ones subject to their bad behavior when we are the ones who should be treated better.
When my husband gets angry or intolerable I leave the home.
it's actually having a very slow but positive affect on him... the reward for being a jerk is being ALONE....
my advice... let him know that from now on when he gets irrationally angry you will say to him "if you don't calm down right now I am leaving" then when he does not calm down you get your stuff and leave. Better even if you have a friend you can spend the night with. Call it your safety plan and enforce it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 March 2014):
 I don't think you can do much to make him see, you tried and he ignored it. HOWEVER he does know how to behave in front of others, so he ACTUALLY chooses to do it in front of you.
It could be a way of controlling you. Keeping you a little bit on edge, for you to not question him or openly disagree. Telling you he loves you and then 5 minutes later throwing a fit, it's all about control.
I think the BIG red flag here is that you say it's JUST like your dad's behavior. It IS VERY normal that women subconsciously seek men who are either JUST like their daddy or the total opposite. But look back how did he treat your mom? Is that HOW you want to be treated down the line?
When your husband throws a fit what do you do? Apologize, tell him that is enough, or walk away?
...............................
|
