A
female
age
,
*ianaMaria123
writes:I have reached the limit in associating with my in-laws. After 30 years of taking abuse from them, I have decided that I have had enough and I am no longer putting myself at their disposal to allow them to continue treating me badly.I have spoken to my husband about this for decades, and until just now, he refused to acknowledge it. He finally said, after 30 years mind you, that he realizes they ‘give me a hard time’ but he ‘doesn’t understand why’. I have asked him to intervene and speak to them, but he said no, that I should ‘grow a tougher skin’. I have seen 3 marriage counselors over the years, only one of which he would agree to see. All three concurred with me, that his family was not behaving properly, that he should intervene, and further more; he should protect me when we are with his family. He dismissed all three as quacks and would not act on their advice. I took some self esteem building sessions and built up the courage to confront my Mother in Law directly. She denied everything and screamed at me. I tried to approach my sister in law, and had the same reaction.I will give you just a few examples of their behavior, but I doubt you will even believe the stunts they’ve pulled. For brevity, I will list the most grievous incidents, rather than the 2 hundred or more they’ve acted out:When we first married, my MIL came to our apt., demanded my paycheck and my husband’s, and said she was going to ‘manage our money for us, put us on a budget, and give us spending money.’ She was also going to, ‘give money to my SIL, to even things out, so that one couple would not be earning more than the other’. I said no to this in no uncertain terms. I told my husband when he came home, and he said he didn’t believe me. I was also asked what size his ‘private parts’ were, and if he was ‘any good with them’. I refused to answer these women. SIL had an open house, and had asked me to sew curtains for her and make a 5 foot wreath for her great room wall. I did, not charging her for my work; she paid for the fabric and used my discount. I brought a gift to the Open House as well. I walked in; she took my gift, threw it on the floor and yelled at one of her kids to open it. I walked around and other guests would walk away from me. If I sat next to someone, they would get up and leave. My husband was placed in a folding chair on the driveway, surrounded by his mother and sister, where upon they introduced every guest to him, and his mother went into the kitchen to ‘get him a fresh plate of food’. She looked at me and said I was to eat from the food in the garage that had been sitting out. I walked back into the house and stood before the big wreath I had made her, and a man stood next to me and we started talking. His wife came up, said, ‘this is the bitch we’re not supposed to talk to’ and the 2 of them walked away. I then heard my SIL telling someone next to me that she had hired an interior decorator that sewed all these drapes (the ones I made) AND the wreath. Even my husband’s cousins were instructed not to speak to me. I have no clue why I was treated this way, other than I have refused to be her slave over the years. I have not sewn for her since, and yes, she’s asked. One of the cousins told me they were instructed not to speak to me, and everyone at the party was told the same. There have been so many slights over the years, out right rude behavior, lies told about me, incidents imagined and exaggerated. My SIL has told everyone in my husband’s family absolutely horrendous stories about me. I should add that she dropped out of school in the 7th grade, and bosses and orders family members around. If they don’t do what she says, she comes up with something horrendous to do to them to make them do whatever it is she is demanding. Everything is her way or no way, believe me. I think they all do as she demands just to keep peace and so that they don’t have to worry about what she’ll do to them if they don’t meet her demands. I have had my MIL overnight hundreds of times, arranged for her to attend functions at the kid’s schools, sent photos of what the kids were doing on the weeks she couldn’t visit, sewn alterations for her clothing for her, convinced my husband to do repairs for her to her home (he’s not inclined to do so), taken her to see entertainers with money from my paycheck not my husband’s, we even took her to Hawaii with us. I have had family dinners for them, given milestone dinners for them, really took time to buy them thoughtful and expensive gifts. I get virtually nothing in return. They will spend $200 on my husband’s gift and tell me, ‘they just didn’t feel like getting me anything’. My SIL has grabbed gifts out of my hands and announced that it was something SHE wanted and I never see it again. No one does anything to corral this madwoman. The final straw for me was this past January. My husband went in for open heart surgery. We didn’t have any clue that he had problems. My MIL stayed 4 nights before the surgery, and just announced she was spending New Year’s Eve with us; she didn’t ask. She TOLD us. We had below zero temperatures, a snow storm, and here is my MIL, another person for me to take care of, when I just needed to be with my husband and kids and process the upcoming surgery. MIL came down without any change of clothes and not so much as a toothbrush. She refuses to shower, only bathing once every 2 weeks. She is elderly, and I have to help her walk thru the snow, get up and down, etc. I’m fixing meals for my family, and she is ZERO help to me. I convinced her to leave after 4 nights, and told her she could return for the surgery.My kids sat in the waiting room with me, and my MIL and SIL for the 6 hour surgery for a quadruple bypass. My sister in law informed me that my husband would need to quit working, and that I would ‘just have to learn to live without the money’. She said it so horribly to me. Never once during this time, or before or after the surgery, did they ask me how I was handling this, if I needed help with anything. If I needed help with the kids...nothing! I tired of listening to them talk about, ‘what if he dies during surgery’, ‘what if he’s a vegetable’ and on and on. I did what I could for my kids, having them work on homework; they brought a laptop and sat together. I lay down on a sofa and put my coat over me, more to shield me from my MIL and SIL than anything else. Would you believe my MIL walked the length of that sofa, and farted all the way across, and then my SIL burst out in a cackle. They planned it. My MIL has walked past me at family events and farted like this. Until now, I chose to ignore it. But with my husband laying on a surgery table fighting for his life, I just could not fathom having these women in my life anymore. My MIL stayed at the house another 4 nights. I took her to the hospital to see my husband/her son, every day, twice a day, dragging her thru the snow banks and ice, dropping her off at the front doors, parking the car and then meeting up with her. We were told to shower everyday and wear clean clothes into the ICU to keep infection rates down. MIL refused to change clothes or shower. I had to remind her to wash her hands at the sink at the entrance, every single visit. The kids went to school during the day, and I did what I could to get groceries, cook, laundry, and visit my husband, and to bring his mother to see him. Well, after the 4th night of this second visit (her 8th night with me in a 2 week period); I felt that I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I would walk into my family room, and MIL was on her cell phone, saying, ‘Here she comes now. She’s walking into the kitchen. She’s letting the dog out. She’s going to the frig....’ I told her that my life was not a reality show. I wanted her to stop calling her daughter (my SIL) and reporting my every move to her. She told me she would not stop. She was constantly on that phone, reporting every miniscule detail of our lives to anyone that would answer her call. She then told me that she had a recording capability on her phone, and she was going to record me. She set the phone on the counter, with the recording thing on, and left the room. I called my best friend, not caring if I was being recorded or not. I told her what was going on, and that I just didn’t need another person to take care of right now, and especially not a hostile guest that doesn’t lift a finger to help me. My friend said I had to ask her to leave. I confronted my MIL, and told her that it was time for her to go home. She screamed at me that this was her son’s house, and she was not leaving. She then walked past me three times, and farted each time. She went up stairs and slammed 3 doors. When she returned, she was extremely hostile to me. I told her that I was not trying to hurt her feelings, but I needed to get the house ready for my husband to come home (cleaning, bringing up a recliner for him to sleep in, getting groceries, prescriptions, etc.), and I needed time to myself to adjust to the fact that my husband is now a cardiac patient. I told her I needed time with my kids. (My daughter asked me the night before WHEN Grandma was going home; she was tired of her being here, too.) She put up such a fight, that I agreed to let her stay ONE more night. The next morning, I took her to the hospital to visit. She would sit there, wring her hands, and cry and spout the most awful things...about how he’s not going to make it, and she and her daughter know someone that had this surgery and blah blah blah. I looked at my husband, and I just knew he would be better off without her there. I knew that her leaving was the right decision for ALL of us. She would make the afternoon visit with the kids, and then she’d be leaving if I had to don snowshoes and drag her back to her home. Would you believe at the afternoon visit with my kids, she told my husband that I was kicking her out? He burst into tears and cried that he didn’t understand why I hated his mother. My kids came home so upset. That was it. I sent her packing. These events during his surgery made me realize that these 2 women have never cared about me or felt I was ‘family’. They have absolutely no respect for me or anything I’ve done for them the past 30 years. I had always hoped we were at least friends, but I saw clearly that we never were and never would be. For my MIL to tell my husband that I was ‘kicking her out’, showed me that she had no feelings for what he was going thru; it was all about HER. She wanted to be here in the midst of the drama to report everything to everyone.I told my husband that I am done with his mother and sister. I refuse to attend any functions or holidays were they will be present. If they come to our home, just let me know in advance and I’ll leave and he can have a nice visit. His mother has lost her overnight privileges here. I told him that he and the kids should continue to see them; but I’m DONE. I told him that if he chooses to visit his family, as he should, he will not suffer any repercussions from me. I see this as the only solution, other than separating or divorcing. Do you have any advice at all for me? (My kids are 17 and 21.) We have been married for 25 years and dated/were engaged for 5 years.Welll,my MIL died unexpectedly. She was found 2 days after her death. My family, myself included, are devastated. It's been 11 months since her death, and my husband has now informed me that he feels I am responsible for his Mother's death. He claims that he didn't see her or call her because I didn't want her around, consequently, he didn't contact her as much, and his mother died of a broken heart from not hearing from him. The woman was 85 and heart disease and was a lung cancer survivor twice. We are now talking divorce. I refuse to accept this burden of guilt he is trying to lay on me. He says he can't look at me without thinking I killed his mother. I can't look at him without thinking that he didn't stand up for me for 30 years, and how different everything could have been if he wasn't such a momma's boy. Do you see any hope here?
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 You're awake, now. Big hugs and here's a large coffee... just be kind to yourself.
You more than deserve it.
Cheers.
A
female
reader, DianaMaria123 +, writes (23 June 2010):
DianaMaria123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, Lola1. Thank you. I see now it is control/temper tantrums. I am finding my voice, finally. I've decided the next time he makes a stupid demand like that, I will tell him he can buy the groceries, and the person that does that also gets to cook the meals. Oh, and he had better find a use for tampons, because he doesn't use those, but I have no intention of stopping my purchase of them. I have been very meek, trying to keep the peace and avoid confrontation. WEll, no more. Bring it on. I am peaceful with a decision to leave this marriage, but I will attend counseling and give him a chance to change. It's a win-win situation for me. I think I answered my own question. He does this, because he can, because I let him get away with it. Have I been in a coma all these years?
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (22 June 2010):
TIP: The next time he throws a temper tantrum, shrug happily (you are happy because you make yourself happy) and go get your nails done. :-)
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (22 June 2010):
Your husband 'demanded'? I'm sorry, hun, but maybe you've been bullied for so long you can't see the forest for the trees.... Your husband 'screamed and ordered' you aren't to buy ice cream and deli meats for the kids?
You feel like you are going crazy because you have surrendered to his roller coaster mood-swings. You keep trying to keep the peace and be a good wife. Why not try to be a good DianaMaria123?
Take yourself OFF the mood-swing roller coaster and start making decisions for yourself.
If YOU want to buy ice cream and deli meats and your kids like them, them buy them for EVERYONE. If the kids eat more of them than anyone else, and your husband wants to thow a temper tantrum, let him.
Have you considered the possibility he fed your mother-in-law's low opinion of you? Couldn't it be possible he ENJOYED being in the middle, having both of you fight over him?
If he wants to throw a temper tantrum about ice cream and ham, blames you for his mother's death (projects his guilt onto you) and expects you to endure years of bullying by his family... when does DianaMaria123 get to start taking care of herself?
... or are you waiting for his permission?
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A
female
reader, DianaMaria123 +, writes (21 June 2010):
DianaMaria123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do respect the relationship of a father/dtr. I just don't think it should be to the exclusion of the mother and son. It feels like sides are being taken here.
A question for you. My husband screamed last week that I am not to buy lunchmeat and ice cream for the kids anymore. At the store yesterday, he actually turned to me and said, 'do we need ham?' When I reminded him he ordered me not to buy it, he said, 'oh, that'. 'I have a new live and let live policy now, just ignore that'. I feel like I"m losing my mind. He says things and denies saying them or tells me I shouldn't pay attention to them. I'm trying to do what he demands, but then this happens. Repeatedly. Does he do this to make himself feel important, issuing demands on me? But why act like it's nothing and say I'm to ignore it? I'm trying to do what he asks/yells but then he acts like this. I feel like I"m losing my mind. Why does he do this?
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (21 June 2010):
 One more thing... I suggest that you respect your daughter's relationship with her father, as unpalatable as that may sound to you right now.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (21 June 2010):
I'm sorry to hear about the divide between you and your daughter, but if she's old enough to take her dad out for a meal then she's old enough to take responsibility for her own choices. If you decide to leave this marriage some relationships will worsen - it sounds like this could happen between you and your daughter. Sometimes people just don't get along, even if they are blood relatives. And hard as it is the best thing to do is to accept it as you move on with your life.
She may yet come around, and like your husband she has to want to have a respectful relationship with you.
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A
female
reader, DianaMaria123 +, writes (21 June 2010):
DianaMaria123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had yet another eye opener tonight. My dtr gave my husband his Father's day card. Inside she had written how thankful she is for all his help and direction, etc. For Mother's Day, I didn't get a card. She also took him out for lunch. It hurts so much. I feel like they just keep kicking me to the curb.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (21 June 2010):
"I can see my husband is trying to diminish me in the eyes of our daughter, and consequently, she and I are not that close anymore, which is just unnatural."
The cold dead hand of your mother-in-law touches you from the grave. Your husband is playing the same manipulative games as his mother, and in wanting someone on "his side" he is willing to poison a relationship between mother and child. In his defense he does not know any other way to interact with people, but once again by his actions does he speak.
Your window of opportunity to heal your children is open now. Do something about it before any more damage ensues.
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A
female
reader, DianaMaria123 +, writes (20 June 2010):
DianaMaria123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, Chippy2. I'm going to see the Dr. tomorrow and then sign up for counseling and take it from there. I seemed to have lost all feelings for him and don't even want to be in the same house together. He follows me everywhere and wants to do everything together when he is home. I do my work during the day and would like to do what I want to do in the evening, not spend time watching him watch sports on tv and surfing the internet on a laptop computer. And he talks non stop. He doesn't want a conversation, he just wants me to listen and worship the words coming out of his mouth, usually something about cars. What did I see in this man?
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (20 June 2010):
For me penniless and peace of mind won out for sure. It is odd that most people fear that when leaving a relationship, when in actuality, when you have the strength to see that you are ready. The universe seems to provide what you need to make it work. Just have faith and believe that you were meant to be happy too.
We all have the right to be treated well. As long as you are doing what you know is right in your heart then go for it.
It is a real shame that now he is trying to turn your daughter against you. My x-husband did that to my daughter and now she talks to neither of us. The pain is unbelievable but I am hopeful she will speak to me again.
Good for you being aware and protecting the relationship with your son.
Best of luck in all - If there is a womens center near you please call them - they can offer immense help in counseling, guidance, shelter, resources, and support.
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A
female
reader, DianaMaria123 +, writes (20 June 2010):
DianaMaria123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWild Thaing, you are right. And it will take time. Last night, he and our daughter were bad mouthing our son. I see that they are...taking sides against my son and I. I think a family should be supportive of each other, not divisive. I can see my husband is trying to diminish me in the eyes of our daughter, and consequently, she and I are not that close anymore, which is just unnatural. He told her some untruths about me that I had to correct. When confronted, he denied it. I was able to witness this first hand and will talk to him about it. Another blow-up. Is it worth it? I'm not sure. The easy thing to do is to think I can end the marriage and find happiness. The truth of the matter is I would be alone and penniless. And to be honest, penniless but with peace of mind is starting to win out.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (20 June 2010):
"He has finally admitted that he feels bad I was treated this way by his family for 30 some years, that he ignored it so he wouldn't have to do anything about it."
Yes, he can say words, but by his actions does he speak. A person in denial will say whatever it takes to make his discomfort stop. But in no way does he realize that he is staring into the abyss.
I'm not saying that he can't turn it around - it might yet happen. But he has a lifetime of damage and abuse to undo. And HE has to undo it, not you. Never forget that. He has to want to change, to realize that life with a balanced family is preferable to a life in his comfort zone of dysfunction, and no amount of nagging and signing things will "make" him bend to your will. You and your kids have lives to live as well, ones that are balanced and filled with respect for others and self.
I am pleased that you spoke to your best friend. She is the kind of true friend that is ready and willing to support you if that day comes to leave.
You have a strength that can carry your family (your husband included) to a better place. Your husband has to prove to you and your children through his ACTIONS that he is able to place his life in your hands. He is not there yet. Good luck and take care.
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female
reader, DianaMaria123 +, writes (19 June 2010):
DianaMaria123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, everyone for your responses. I had to take time to seriously consider everything written. I want you to know that you helped me a great deal.
First of all, I didn't see my husband as continuing the abuse, and I thank you for that insight.
I called my best friend, asked for help, and she did come thru for me. If I need to leave, she will take me in. She is willing to listen and has been helpful with encouraging me to talk to my husband and not keep everything inside. Thank you for encouraging me to 'impose'!
I had a very long discussion with my husband last night, and yes, he does feel guilty, and yes it is one of the steps of grieving. Thank you for that insight, too. He has now denied asking for a divorce and he has denied saying I killed his mother. This has been a pattern in our relationship; he says things and then denies having said them. So, I started writing down his comments and making him sign them. We have both agreed to seek counseling and possibly medication for depression/anxiety. He has promised to be more supportive of me with his family, and believe me, that will be tested. He has finally admitted that he feels bad I was treated this way by his family for 30 some years, that he ignored it so he wouldn't have to do anything about it. But, he still feels I am to blame for his not seeing/calling his mother the 2 weeks before her death, even though I told him she could come here, but I would be elsewhere, and even though I encouraged him to go visit her. He claims he couldn't see her without me because it would 'look bad'. I pointed out that I always made time for him to spend time alone with his mother. (My brothers are not allowed to see my Mom unless their wives are present. I felt that was just wrong and never did that to him.) I told him I cannot take any more guilt trips from him. If he truly believed I was resonsponsible for her death, I want out of this marriage 'yesterday'. He claims he will not even see his sister and other relatives rather than put up with my complaining, so we need to work on that. I don't want to separate him from them - I just want him to stand up for me if they are abusive. Oh, his sister remarked that his leaving his mother's home to marry me caused her to have breast cancer - 5 years later. I told him if he believed that, too, I am OUTTA HERE. These people just load guilt and blame where ever they can.
And yes, this is affecting our kids. My son admitted to having problems with anger and we have promised to talk to him and help him work things out.
I am guilty of trying to keep the peace. Here on in, I will speak my mind and tell my husband to get over himself or stop having outbursts and blaming me when he is stressed. I still want to return to work. I refuse to give up my hobby and friends. If he doesn't want to make friends, that is his decision. (He only wants to see family.) But I live an hour away from family and need to have people here I can socialize with, with or without him. He said he will try to be more understanding, but really wants me HOME. I said this is control. He said his mother never had hobbies...I swear this will never end. That woman really messed up his mind, and then I had to go and marry him. This is so hard. But I am determined to fight for what I need. I want to enjoy my life and have fun, not worry about 'setting him off'. Thanks again for all the support.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (17 June 2010):
One more question: If a true friend wanted you to help her leave an abusive relationship would you say "no, that's too much of an imposition"?
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (17 June 2010):
 As cliche' as this will sound,I earnestly mean it, Poster: I genuinely feel your pain. I was nearly convinced that you had my ex in-laws as your in-laws until I noticed the age bracket, proving that to be impossible. I dealt with about 10 years of what you've dealt with. I lost that battle and relinquished my ex husband to the embrace of his beloved heathen tribe with a "good riddance"
Though I could be called biased, I offer the following for your consideration or use: I see absolutely *nothing* in your post that could possibly make you responsible for any of this, if anything, you may be guilty of excessive patience and extraordinary kindness, above and beyond the call of duty.
I agree that your husband is the de facto abuser here. He is continuing the abuse by proxy.
Your MIL was probably the incarnate of the devil himself, along with an SIL minion.
The old sea hag was 85 with one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel and this is your doing, how?
Do NOT accept this load of crap.
How dare your husband seek to perpetuate his family's atrocity upon you? That's all this is: a veritable sanctioning of what he's allowed to be visited upon you by his own family: a perpetuation of his beloved mother's reprehensible and inhuman legacy of atrocities.
Just about the time you'd figure the old hag can no longer plague you, he does this for all your efforts? HE is the abuser and this is the method of his abuse. I'm afraid that I'd leave him to it. Jump ship and leave him with all his fond memories of his darling demonic mother. Best wishes to you in whatever you decide.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (17 June 2010):
Children have more insight than we adults give them credit for. Your job is to show them that normal relationships are very different from the dysfunctional ones they have experienced with their father and among his relatives. Show them what it means to be respectful in a relationship. That's all you can do.
I'm a little concerned about this: "I have a lot of friends, a few very close, but I would never impose on them to house me if I leave." Close friends will fall over themselves to get you and your kids out of that hellhole. A true friend will never see a request from you as an imposition! She would rent a moving truck the moment you gave the word.
If you decide on leaving, tell your close friends and see what happens - don't let your guilt guide you into inaction.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (17 June 2010):
** Your husband feels guilty. sorry :P
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (17 June 2010):
You are as patient as a saint. I would have left that husband years ago...
There is manipulation and there is bullying. You were the victim of bullying. It's just everyone else's tough luck if her only method to 'survive' was making your life miserable.
Your son feels guilty because his mother died alone and no one (including him) noticed for two days. This is an all-too common way for many of our elderly to leave this life and it is very sad (even for those who may have spent their lives earning such a death).
He is deflecting his guilt and trying to put it on you so he doesn't have to own it or deal with it himself. After all you've put up with and done for him and his family (who were all very happy to let you be the target of the MIL's bullying tactics so they didn't wouldn't be), do you deserve this from your husband? Absolutely not.
Let the divorce go through and try to be as happy as possible. Once he comes to his senses, maybe he'll see what a jerk he's been and maybe it will be too late, but you've spent your time in pergatory and now its YOUR time to live.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): Don't just get couple of jobs and hang around there; your kids will really begin to notice as they get older that there is something wrong. Moreover, I am sorry that you have had a traumatic experience with your parents' divorce, I really am, BUT I do think that you need to get your husband- who is abusive- and his family out of your life. He is in complete denial about his family and he won't change. You are still young, you have plenty of years ahead of you to make a new start and find some happiness. Please leave this man; I have had some run ins with my ex's family- nothing like as bad as yours- but I can really empathise to a certain degree, and you don't need to put up with that kind of rubbish. You have had it for 30 years. You sound like a strong person, and you should use that strength to get yourself out of this situation, especially if, as you say your daughter has been on the end of some of it. You don't deserve this at all. Move out and move on. You are unhappy as it is, but at least if you move out you will have some prospect of finding a new life without this rubbish. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, DianaMaria123 +, writes (17 June 2010):
DianaMaria123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGreat answers, everyone. Thank you. Especially the lifeline thrown by 'You Wish'. I never realized my husband is the abuser. You are right that by his silence,he condoned their behaviour.
About the party, the guests consisted of people my SIL and BIL worked with and my husband's side of the family. BIL worked in a factory and SIL is a hairdresser. These people gladly went along with the 'fun' of being abusive to me. It's happened at some family gatherings, too, where friends of his MOther's would refuse to speak to me on Thanksgiving,Christmas, etc. SIL's frinds would say, 'I've heard all about YOU'. Just manipulative witches, and my husband allowed it to continue. Even at MIL"s funeral, the priest kept glaring at me and refused to speak to me, but would speak to my husband. My MIL was active there with cooking for events. I am tempted to write the priest a letter and tell him that there are 2 sides to every story, and that he encouraged my MIL and her friends to be abusive to me. What kind of priest is that? My husband wanted to join and early in our marriage I would have. No way will I set foot in there again.
A long time ago, a counselor told me it didn't matter who my husband married, any woman would be treated like this and not to take it personally. Unfortunately, my husband is succeeding in turning the kids against me, saying I must be hallucinating because none of this ever happened. I told him he knows, deep down, that this happened and he refuses to acknowledge it because then he has to do something about it, and that I am not 'overly sensitive', I'm a victim of abuse. I told him his sister is a bully, and told me I'm nuts. So, it really helps to read here that I haven't lost my mind.
q1605, really good point that MIL died and no one noticed for 2 days. Where were her loving son and daughter? We were at the cottage, and now my husband doesn't want to go there anymore and has put the place up for sale. Again, my fault he was there and not at her side. She had asked to move in with us, and I said no, not under any circumstances. She really wanted to move in with her daugther, but she didn't want her either. That alone tells you a lot.
I think I would be happier without him and his crazy family. My family is not close. My Mom is dying and I am executrix for her and legal guardian for my sister, who is developmentally disabled. My 2 brothers are married and do everything with their in-laws. I have a lot of friends, a few very close, but I would never impose on them to house me if I leave. My parents divorced and it was ugly, with a lot a violence. I don't know how I would support myself as my work skills are very outdated. I'm thinking of just working 2 min. wage jobs so that I"m not here much, only to sleep. I want peace in my life, not looking over my shoulder for the next burden of guilt being laid on me. I think my dtr knows what's going on with the in-laws, because she has been victim to some of it, too. My son is oblivious. Everyone out there, never marry a 'mamma's boy' and never, ever marry into a strong ethnic family. They will never accept you and will make your life hell. My husband is only 1/2 of their ethnicity, but man, it dominates 110%. Thanks for the support. I can see things clearer and don't feel so overwhelmed after reading your answers.
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (17 June 2010):
Honey, you've held up pretty well after all this abuse over 30(!) years. It sounds like your man is either unwilling or unable to set healthy boundaries with his relatives - even dead ones. It's never too late to set your own boundaries, and for the most part you did it. Now your husband has a choice - he can either work towards rebuilding a healthy marriage with you and the kids or maintain a completely dysfunctional set of relationships without you and the kids.
I probably haven't told you anything you didn't already know. Finally, whatever you decide you need to do right by your children so that they can have a safe harbour. Good luck and take care.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (17 June 2010):
 That family was so dysfunctional, and I think you waited 29 years too late to kick your husband to the curb. Not even Tina Turner took this kind of abuse from Ike before she left him.
Your kids are grown and will understand why you're walking, especially if they've seen a fraction of what you've gone through.
I don't get how your MIL/SIL could convince an entire party to snub you like that. I would have lit into your husband for not getting off the folding chair to be with you.
You may not realize this, but the primary abuser to you these past 30 years isn't your MIL, it's your husband. He left you wide open to 30 years of ridicule and mistreatment, while all the while, he could have put a stop to all of it. Instead, he was weak spined and with his silence condoned her treatment of you.
Now he blames YOU for his mom's death. That goes beyond ugly and hideous, and he can take care of his own cardiac self for that little comment.
You need to get out of there and feel a life without abuse for a change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): Your husband's family sounds like something out of the movie "Deliverance"....gastly.
I don't know how you kept from killing his mother yourself with your own bare hands...kidding, but seriously, what a bunch of nuts.
I can't advise you on if there is any hope for you and your husband, I am sure he is still grieving.
I say if you want to be free and leave him, then do so, you can spend your golden years in peace.
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (17 June 2010):
 I felt my own blood pressure rising as I read your post. All I can say is that I'm so sorry that the best 30 years of your life have been blighted by these hideous people.
The hope I see here is that you're now seeing your husband for what he is. I can only imagine that his upbringing was substandard (to say the least), which is a mitigating factor but hardly a licence to be an utter wimp and allow you to be subjected to abuse. He wants a divorce? If I were you I'd say hallelujah.
Take charge of your life and find yourself some happiness surrounded by caring and compassionate people.
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reader, DianaMaria123 +, writes (17 June 2010):
DianaMaria123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll of you had great answers. I just can't understand his total loyalty to his mother, even when she's dead, after all I've done for him. Nothing is ever good enough for him, and I'm sick and tired of trying to please him, and now this! The kids don't measure up to his standards, either. Why did he marry and have kids? His first marriage broke up after 6 months, and he admitted his mother interferred. I never should have walked down that aisle.
Thanks for letting me know I"m not crazy for believing this guilt trip he's putting me on. I don't see us recovering from this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): You shouldnt feel any guilt at all, you went above and beyond what was expected to do. You shouldnt feel any guild whatsoever. Hope it all goes well
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): I don't think your husband is fair to accuse you of killing his mum!! And it's fair enough that you don't like your in laws because they don't sound too great!!
If your husband is having a hard time dealing with this "killing" then just be there to comfort him, tell him if you need
him you're there, once he has stopped grieving and gets over it hopefully things will
work out
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reader, Chippy2 +, writes (16 June 2010):
Wow! What U have gone thru sounds awful. I would say that you need to do what is best for you. Realize this, U may have not wanted anything to do with her BUT he is an adult and could have seen her ANYTIME he chose to.
Don't let him manipulate you - like his mother did to you all.
If it were me - I would tell him yep divorce is the key - they please move forward - don't look back and try to be at peace with yourself.
Good luck
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