| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I broke up with my a ex over a month ago. For all this time he had been really romantic and apologetic, trying to get me back but now he hates me and I feel like a horrible person!We had many issues during our relationship because he was jealous of my past. He even called me a slut occasionally. I had a friend, and we had something strictly physical. A couple of years after that, the same friend introduced me to my now ex. I remained friends with the other guy and everything was fine (I mean, it was REALLY over between us even before he introduced me to my now ex). Then one day my ex asked me if I had something with that friend in the past and I said yes. Ever since, problems arose and just got worse.I was bored with the whole situation of mistrust and insults. So I left him for good. He kept begging me to come back, being romantic, apologetic, everything. I asked him to please cut off contact, but he wouldn't and it made me feel bad to treat him coldly. So we kept talking, until now he found out that I've been talking to that friend again, and that some of my girl friends have been bad mouthing him (my friends hate him).Now he hates me and I feel like the worst bitch on Earth! I don't know whether I'm a bad person or not. I mean, I was really patient and endured his calling me a slut for almost 4 years! Also the mistrust and jealousy. I had to put up with his anger, etc. But maybe he's right and I have been bad to him now? I don't know, but he thinks I'm just having a laugh and mocking him with my friends, and in love practically with my ex friend with benefits, etc. But I'm not, I feel bad with the break up, I feel empty and now this!I also feel really ugly because he has been the only guy who has ever liked me in that way. And now nobody even looks at me, they all look at my friends. I feel miserable, a horrible person, ugly, empty and alone. I feel like he has the upper hand, again.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 You are not horrible. You aren't unlovable. You don't need to be a friend with benefits in order to get a guy to like you.
Listen to me closely - your ex is lint. He is dirt. He is trash. He is IRRELEVANT to you, and so are his stupid insults. He's got the nerve to call you slut and a bunch of other names because of his insecurity, and for too long, he's capitalized on YOUR insecurity.
He's known how to push your buttons, and it's time to remove those buttons in your life, or you'll find someone else who will pick up on your insecurity and treat you the same way.
CaringGuy is right. Cut all communication with your ex. Defriend him on Facebook and Myspace, erase all his emails, throw away his pictures, gifts, and mementos, and delete his contact info from your cell.
It doesn't matter if he hates you. He's NOTHING. He no longer has the RIGHT to influence how you feel about yourself. What he thinks about you is laughable and pathetic and small. He is a weakling who deserves to spend the rest of his life wallowing in his jealousy.
You, on the other hand, have smart friends who see him for what he is. You are loved. You are VERY smart for not marrying this guy and carrying on his verbal and emotional abuse. He does NOT have the upper hand, or you'd still be with him getting kicked around.
You have to STOP feeling bad for "treating him coldly". He is disqualified from any compassion. Next time, you don't ASK him to stop talking to you. You DEMAND it. You TELL him, and get a restraining order if he doesn't comply. You are in charge of YOU. That's not being a bitch. That's standing up for yourself. You don't need to justify or explain to him. You don't need "closure". Delete him from your heart like a computer deletes a file.
God this is a long reply! But I hope if you're still reading, don't settle for another friends with benefits situation ever again. You deserve a guy who loves you for more than just sex. You have a lot to offer. Just change where you're looking for guys and change what KIND of guys you're looking for. You won't be alone. Take heart. Your ex doesn't have the upper hand. YOU do, because only you control your life. He no longer has any say.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 June 2010):
Just cut contact. This guy is very manipulative and has played you so you feel bad. you've done nothing wrong at all. Just cut contact with him permanently, and never take notice of him again. He's a pretty awful guy to be honest.
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