A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For the past few months, my husband has been spending more and more time hanging out with his colleagues and bosses (male) late at night. Work has been getting busier and he's trying really hard to impress his bosses, as he was placed in charge on a big project which is something new for him. I'm so proud of him and I respect his need for time to do his own stuff, but our relationship and quality time began to suffer. I spoke to him about my concerns and needs a few times, but he isn't putting any effort into our relationship. During our last conversation, he said he thought long and hard and that he needed some space to think about what he really wants and for me to do the same. This took me by surprise so I was extremely upset which probably pushed him away more. He also said he didn't want to go to marriage counseling. I was super disappointed because i thought it would help. The following day, he left for a week long business trip. He reached out via text just twice and I replied, but otherwise no contact. We didn't define any rules for this "space" because all his responses was "i don't know". During this time I came to my senses and decided to respect his need for space and to think about what I want. I was ready to talk when he was ready.When my husband came home on Friday, he said he was going to hang out with his boss again, so I did my own thing. The next morning, my husband and was somewhat affectionate and chatty, rather than cold like before. He even initiated sex. We both have lower but matching sex drives and one of us initiates maybe every two weeks or so, so that was a pleasant surprise. After sex, he told me that he and his other colleagues left his bosses' house earlier than expected the night before because his boss (male) took one of the female colleagues to his room to have sex. I asked if it was consensual and my husband replied "yes? no? i don't know... i dont know what they did that. We all work on the same team and next week is going to be weird." I tried to play down my reaction because the last thing I wanted was to make my husband close up instead of open up, which is what happened when I reacted badly to him needing "space" earlier. He was definitely sharing more with me than he was before our "space." We had dinner with friends that evening but he was very distracted. The next day we spent mothers day the following day with both our families. Everything was normal. I also felt that hanging out in a group was a good way to spend time together without too much pressure. I figured we both cooled down so on our way home I told him that I thought about what what he said and I know what I want, and that when we're both ready we'll talk. To my surprise, my husband said we'll talk when we talk, i still want to do my own thing for a couple of weeks. I didn't reply right away but later told him that I respect his need for space but it's confusing when he gives mixed singles. He the agreed to stop giving me mixed singles.Today, he is back to being cold again. I reached out asking what he wants to do for dinner and he says he's hanging out with his boss again (his boss usually drops him off so i know they're together). I told him "okay. I hope you were planning to tell me." My husband says "No, i wasn't. Just do your own thing for two weeks. We talked about this yesterday." I told him that we did not talk about this and that he stopped giving me space the moment he came home, and now he wants to go back to having space? He replied "i want to act normal when we're at home together. Would you want me to be cold? I can sleep on the couch if it's confusing you." I told him "Ok, you're right, space is space and we don't have to update each other. Yes, it would be less awkward for me if you took the couch. thank you." No reply, which is fine. I think my husband is being extremely unreasonable, immature, and selfish. I think the best thing for me to do is to give him the space he wants, on my terms and not his (he doesn't want to define them anyway, rather defining them as he goes it seems) and just do our own thing without communicating. Also, I'm aware that his boss (his director in fact) is probably a bad influence. In my husband's own words he "treats women badly and has been divorced several times, but is nice and funny to hang out with, and I learn a lot of work related stuff from him". I can't control who he hangs out with and I don't want to push him away more by doing so. Does anyone have any advice? Do I just do my own thing and time will tell whether we can work this out? I've been doing a lot of self reflection and thinking of ways to improve our marriage but I think he's just taking a break from our marriage. It's upsetting to carry all the emotional burden. I'm ready to admit that I carry 50% of the fault for our marriage problems, however they are minor problems (like cleaning) and we just haven miscommunication and handling them immaturely. I just never thought we would end up like this.Also, in case it helps, his personality type is ESTJ. I'm also very sure that he's on the extreme end of the toxic masculinity spectrum. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): OP, I'd be concerned hubby is placing himself in the position where he's at his bosses house just before his boss has sex with a female colleague! Warning bells ringing! Find out who this woman is. It's likely she gets around. Wouldn't be surprised if she has sex with hubby. And if there are all KINDS of sexual antics going on at the bosses house. Investigate secretly!!
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 May 2019):
 I hate to say this, but your husband is acting like he's cheating on you. If I were you, I'd very quietly do some reconnaissance on what he's spending his money on, what he's saying to whom on texts, calls, and emails. Check the call log to see if there are any phone numbers he sends tons of texts and/or phone calls to. He might even have a secret cell phone to hide or cover his tracks. Check his PC and/or social media usage. DO NOT tell him you are doing this. Act normal. Follow him secretly if he says he is "hanging out with his boss" to see what's going on.
He's exhibiting all the signs of someone who is unfaithful, and he knows that you are a doormat when it comes to confronting him. He can swat you away when you lose control of your emotions by gaslighting you and making you seem crazy or unreasonable, so what you need is proof that he is up to no good.
In the unlikely event that he IS still being faithful and is in fact acting like this, then I'm with Honeypie in saying drop the "labels" with the "toxic masculinity spectrum" and so on, and instead, respond to his actions. If he is mistreating you and acting unmarried, then file for separation and find a good lawyer so as to protect YOURSELF financially. You've told him loudly and clearly what you need from the marriage, and he is acting unfaithful to his vows to love and cherish you, and he needs to answer for it. How are his actions loving and cherishing you?? Being married and faithful isn't only to not have sex with someone else (though he very well could be!) but to love and honor and make the marriage and family the highest priority. Meaning his behavior is ALREADY an act of infidelity!
No more hiding or doormat from you. If needs be, hire a private investigator if you can afford one, or do your own investigating if you can. Stop confronting him, and give him NO CAUSE to suspect that you're researching him. If he's cheating on you, it WILL come out, and then you can confront him with proof and nail him to the wall.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): He treats you sorry sweetie like a walking door mat. He wants space for two weeks .why and when will he demand this again . If were you . I'd pack him a bag .. he wants the space.. right .. and tell him to move out . Asap . He can go live with his parents or boss who cares . Tell him he has 5 days to tell you if he wants thus to work you will give him that long that it . You want demand respect an honest answer . No playing
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 May 2019):
 I don't know what the "toxic masculinity spectrum" is all about, so I will just go by WHAT I would do in your shoes.
He wants space, why?
Because I think he isn't sure that marriage is WHAT he wants right now. I think he looks at his boss and think well if I was single I could bang chicks and be a dick about it too! Pretty immature. He reached out THROUGH text to tell you. Seriously? He couldn't even SIT down and TALK to you? Immature and rather disrespectful.
And yes, I DO think his boss is a bad influence, but... ONLY in as far as how IMMATURE and IMPRESSIONABLE your husband is.
I find your "grouping" of him being an ESTJ kind of not very compatible with the behavior you are describing.
ESTJ are the "take charge" kind of people - your husband seem to be a follower rather than leader.
ESTJ are usually "model citizens" who take their commitments serious. - again, no... he is taking having fun and doing this bro-mance thing as more important.
So if he TRULY is a ESTJ he is in conflict with himself. If that makes sense.
OK, to back to what I would do in this situation.
I would TAKE some time to reflect on WHAT you want from your marriage and partner, then look as see if you are GETTING any of that.
You seem willing to compromise, he doesn't. It's what he wants. It's really "my way or the highway with him", isn't it? If you think you can set boundaries he just IGNORES you and tells you to do your own thing.
IS that a marriage? Is it a marriage you want?
You don't really come out and say it, but I'm guess you are wondering if he DURING this break is cheating on you or TRYING to. I think that is really your biggest concern and you totally left it out. Because ? You think he might. You think he is wanting to copy his boss and act like he can do what he wants, including women. So you are wondering if he is asking for a time-out to "relive" his bachelor years" or because he is not happy in the marriage.
Am I right?
My thing is this. If a relationship OR marriage NEEDS a "break", it's broken. Something is NOT working.
You are BOTH ignoring it. You by "letting" him do whatever F he wants.. all to keep him happy and think you are OH SO understanding... and him by just not investing AT ALL in you or the marriage. You are just the "room mate" right now. (unless he wants a little sex, right?)
So, what are you to do?
Well, for one - BE honest with yourself. I don't think you ARE OK with this "break" thing at all. I think you are trying to be the "cool wife" in hopes that he will NOTICE that and decide YOU are worth being married to and the marriage worth working on TOGETHER.
I wouldn't be OK with a break either. EITHER we WORK on fixing what's NOT working... or.. We walk away.
This limbo "break" stuff isn't FIXING anything.
I get it. Sometimes we aren't sure that there is anything to try and fix or build on, sometimes people grow apart or just realize that the partner isn't a good match anymore. It happens. There is no shame in that, other than.. it's a shame neither of the people took notice sooner.
You say you have issues with cleaning.. HIRE a maid service. If you are only two adults the house can't get THAT dirty or messy and the extra cleaning help means that the little clutter/messes there are (in between the maid service) is minimal and easy to share.
I think YOU need to not only consider what you CAN do to improve, but what you will NEED from him too.
Do you work? If not... why not? And I suggest you find a job and become self-sufficient asap.
You also need to take the bull by it's horns (that means have an ACTUAL conversation where you STATE how this is making you feel, IN PERSON) And set boundaries for this "break". Otherwise he might be out there screwing around and then later CLAIM that YOU must have been OK with it because you agreed to this "break".
You are WAY to passive. THIS IS YOUR LIFE too!
I know marriage counseling CAN give people the tools to move forward and build stronger marriages but ONLY if BOTH parties WANT to. I think it would be pointless because your husband don't WANT to fix anything right now, if at all.
I don't really SEE how a "break" is working on the marriage or even figuring out whether there is a future or not.
If I were you I'd prepare myself for a trial separation. Because in all honesty I don't see him wanting to work on what you have, his behavior as of late shows that clearly. You didn't MARRY him to "just do your own thing" did you?
So yeah, IF I was you, I'd get my ducks in a row. I wouldn't find the "suggestion over text" to take a break acceptable at all.
But you have to decide WHERE you limits are, what your boundaries and deal-breakers are. So take your time and think on that. NOT on what HE might be thinking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): OP here. I also wanted to share that although I had a moment of insecurity right before he asked for space, I’m usually the independent one and he’s a bit clingy. He’s also the jealous type although he knows it and tries not to show it. So spending time apart comes unnaturally to him. It’s like he wants space and attention at the same time, or having his cake and eating it too. Well I decided if he wants space he gets space. I’m not a weekend-only wife.
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