A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has admitted to me he's been depressed since 2002, but pretended to be happy.We met in August 1999 aged 24, married 3 years later, but since then he said everything's been dull for him, even the sex, it wasn't as fun as when we were dating, and that he's also been bullied online by a guy he knew from 1998 who posted photos of him in his underwear online (they were staying in a hotel in Ibiza at the time); the guy was a friend until now, but the photos have been online since 2004 and he didn't know until recently.He told me his depression came from people in the neighborhood who are angry at him because we're rich (he built up his money, isn't old money) and rich people who are old money that hate him.He told me he NEEDS help but doesn't know who to go to or how to deal with the photos (which the website owners won't take down; it's a 2004 website about Ibiza, a fansite).What do we do now?
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bullied, depressed, money, underwear Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2020): I understand old money over new .. my nana is old money but she wouldn't speak ill of anyone being able to make their way in the world . However a few of her friends do look down on people who are classed as " new money" so I get that . My nana doesnt speak about politics, religion, her age, and her money . I think however there is more here as the other aunts and uncles point out. I feel hes hinting .. though at what could be anyone's guess . I would sit him down and ask him straight is there anything in his past he wishes to discuss . There many young people who have experimented with the same sex and he shouldn't be ashamed to say or drugs or whatever . Doesnt mean hes gay . Just means he maybe bi and experimented and didn't like it . If hes able to open up that would be a step in the right direction . If not then I think its times to look at counselling and mental health intervention . I mean that's a long time to keep up a facade of happiness .. Chin up and I do hope it all works out . Keep us posted
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2020): Your husband is making up a stupid story so you leave him.He wants you to be the bad guy.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (14 December 2020):
 Are you taking his version of his situation as gospel? I ask because, to me, the whole story sounds feeble and just doesn't add up.
For starters, nobody gets "depressed" over a photograph taken over 20 years ago on holiday, especially something as unremarkable as a man in his underwear. I may be totally off-track here but I can't help wondering if the "bully" was actually his lover while they were on holiday, hence his upset about the photograph. If this is the case, it is not surprising your husband is depressed as he is probably wondering what else this man from his past can reveal. Is it possible he is being blackmailed over his past, given his wealth? Would him being "outed" ruin his professional reputation, not to mention his marriage? As I said, I might be totally wrong here, but it's what my gut is telling me about this story.
Secondly, why would people be "angry" with him because he has made money? Unless he has amassed his wealth at their expense or via immoral/illegal means, I can't imagine others could care less, especially if they themselves have plenty of money. I assume you know the source of his wealth?
As I said, his whole story does not add up. My gut tells me there is more - MUCH more - going on than he is telling you - or, possibly, than you are telling us on here? If you are accurately relaying what he has told you, he is scratching the surface of what lies beneath.
I feel for you, I really do. I hope you can get to the bottom of what is really going on and that you can sort it out between you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2020): Typo Correction:
"Why aren't you aware of any of this until now?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2020): He needs to speak to a medical doctor, and get a referral for a mental-healthcare professional. Of course, following a full medical-evaluation. He should attend to his physical-health; and determine if there are any underlying medical-issues causing his depression. His reaction to those pictures seems disproportionate to the situation. They're nearly 20 years old! I'm surprised they're still on the internet, and wonder why anyone would even be interested in keeping them there?
If he knows how to make so much money, I don't see how difficult it would be to figure-out how to seek medical-care or find a psychiatrist. I think much more is going on here, than he's telling you!
It's hard to say whether all the things you've described are interrelated. The matter regarding sex and your marriage, may have nothing to do with depression. The pictures may somehow attribute to his damaged mental-state; but may not necessarily be the cause. I would speculate he's not being totally honest about the cause and effect here. I think he's bundling everything together for the sake of convenience; but the real details and facts probably will not come-out until he has sought some counseling and therapy.
I think his reaction about pictures that old just doesn't add-up. Unless he hasn't changed in appearance one bit over the last 16 years! I would further assume those pictures are so outdated, they're long-forgotten; and nobody would recognize him, unless he identified himself...or someone who knows him, knew when the picture was taken! If the viewer knew the age of the pictures, they'd be scratching their heads like I am. It's not exactly equivalent to sexual-assault or molestation!
He was in his underwear, not completely naked! How body-conscious can he possibly be? He's a man in his 40s now! Such a dramatic reaction just doesn't seem becoming of a grown-man; and it seems quite strange, considering how truly insignificant the picture of a guy in his underwear is. Unless his genitals are visible, or exposed? Even if that were the case, I wonder how he has gone so long without seeking help? That he would let it ruin his marriage and your sex-life. Yet he has still managed to amass himself some wealth. Why would other wealthy-people care about how old his money is? Why aren't your aware of any of this?
You've got plenty of money. Relocate, find a good psychiatrist, and get yourself a good lawyer! I think he's hinting about getting a divorce.
In my opinion, I think he's being blackmailed. I find it hard to believe his reaction is to pictures of himself in underwear taken nearly 20 years ago. I suspect that he's not telling you everything, my dear! Just maybe, there are more unsettling pictures out there; and perhaps some that were taken much more recent! The story seems off!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): He needs to go to his doctor and seek a therapist. Only they can help in regards to his depression. Being depressed over people not liking him being ‘new money’ seems odd to me. Maybe he doesn’t really know why he’s depressed - sometimes there is no reason. Or it could be a multitude of things. Only a trained professional can help him get to the bottom of it. He said he was depressed since 2002, so way before the picture was even on the site. He need to seek a lawyer to get the picture removed. But I don’t think that is going magically cure him of his depression. Or will having all your neighbours magically like him.Unfortunately you can’t help him and he can’t help himself. Depression is a cruel disease that requires specialist treatment. Please find appropriate help from professionals. I wish you both good luck. And hope he gets the help he needs.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2020):
 If the pictures have been out there since 2004 - then it's been 16 years. Your husband probably look different now, so the likelihood of being recognized is a lot less. Doesn't mean it's not hurtful to him.
If I were him, I'd consider contacting Citizen's Bureau and see if he can find legal help to get it removed, or since your husband HAS money - contact a lawyer. Sometimes a call or letter from a lawyer has way more weight than from an upset person.
If the people in his neighborhood are angry at him, IS it about more than his money? Because I get people who are envious over money... but being angry?
Also has he considered moving? So he doesn't HAVE to deal with that?
Either way, IT IS absolutely OUT of his control how other people feel about him and HIS money. Being depressed because people don't like him, seems off to me. Not everyone will like you. (him) Just like HE won't like everyone he meets. Him being rich doesn't mean people will automatically like him.
As far as the depression, it might benefit him to find a counselor.
As for the guy who has bullied him online - WHY has he not blocked the guy? If it's more like malicious stalking than bullying, then I can see the issue. Because that is something the law isn't equipped to handle.
Do you guys have a group of friends? Hobbies? If not, perhaps that is something to build on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): HiAre you sure he has not been getting blackmailed regards the photographs or a secret he is hiding? Sounds a little odd to me and the fact that he says he is been bullied and the mention of money and hate. I think you need to dig deeper into this one and he may open up to you. He is asking for help! so try and go easy on this one, I think he has been keeping something quite important from you.Hope both of you make it through this time and be very truthful to each other, if the truth is hidden you stay in the same status quo and both of you will end up very depressed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): THERAPY.You say you are rich, so you can afford it! This is very important since most people never go because of "money issues". This can also be an excuse not to do what hurts.Don't wait, just find a therapist and move on from there. You can always change them and try someone else. You may need couples therapy as well.I'd suggest you both start therapy, because if one partner goes through the change alone, there's a good chance that the marriage will fall apart. A lot of marriages are based on unhealthy foundations (codependency being one of the most common examples). When only one partners seeks therapy, the other just stays in the old patterns of behavior. I don't know if it's just an omission on your part, but you don't mention "love" anywhere in you post. Has your husband mentioned that he loves you? Why did you get married?Depression can distort on'e' perception of reality. When we think that "everybody hates us", it's just our projection, a defensive mechanism, like: people are jealous because we are rich (NOT everyone can harbor such feelings!), all people hate us because we earned our money (idem)...I don't see why he wold be bothered by someone's posting online his photos in underwear even if it's women's underwear. I can't be sure that it was you already posting this, but a woman has already posted about this issue. She said that it was hurting her husband's business.Get a lawyer and see what your legal options are.One of the ways to start feeling better is stop feeling helpless. Depression can make you feel helpless and blind you, make you think that there's nothing you can do. These are all false preconceptions!Don't wait, find help.
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