A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my bf have been together for 7 years. I'd say 3 of those have been really happy. The last four years have been trying due to family problems on my side. It's been very stressful. I ended up having panic attacks and severe anxiety. I went to a therapist a couple of times and learned to manage it a bit better but it's still there. So for the last two years I feel I have forced myself to have sex with him. He's a great guy in some respects and I love him. When we do have sex which is once every few weeks if that its just not the same. I try but I need a few drinks first and there's a lot of stalling so it doesn't happen til late. It's making me miserable because we had these plans for our lives and now it feels like we are going nowhere. I told him how I felt and he said I was a scumbag. He then apologized but then he said "this is how I feel" and he spat on the floor. He can be very annoying at times and I think that's pushed me away a lot. He narrates everything I do and almost treats me like a child. If we argue he tells me to go to my room !!! I know things could be a hell of a lot worse but the passion is just gone. Everytime I bring it up he says we can fix it. Last night I cried because I said I didn't feel as attracted to him so he responded by crawling under the sheets from the bottom of the bed and kissing my stomach and then trying to kiss me which I thought what the hell are you doing ? I just said I didn't feel that and his answer is to do that without me wanting him to then left the room when I said stop. Then this morning he woke me up doing the same thing. I feel like he's forcing himself on me in a bid to make things better but it's making things worse for me. I cringe when he touches me. He said we can fix it but how ? How do I feel attracted to him again ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2020): Your nerves are shattered and that's not a good thing.Don't blame yourself because you should blame him.What started out as a wonderful romance has become a battle of wills and this does wear a person down.Now I understand that he was being a pain in terms of trying to kiss you into being excited for him.The problem is he thinks he's better than bread pudding with cream on top!But once you're pulling away from him you know that you've had enough.How you deal with the day to day of sharing the same room up until Xmas is up to you.If you wanted a 'trial break ' you could go home to mamma, but the only way to do it would be to intend to never return back to him!Don't feel guilty. You didn't intend to marry someone who is so stupid that they think they can tell you to go to your room!And I hope you don't do that to pacify him!I'll bet you want to tell him to go to hell.Just don't throw and break anything or he'll say that you are the abusive one.I know someone who was recently in your situation.She left him and got a new flat and a new boyfriend and is now happy.You can leave him also.You go to a solicitor and ask how to get a divorce.If she/he says on the grounds of 2yrs separation then you rent yourself a place and leave him.You might get a divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty from some of the stuff you said.D.I.V.O.R.C.E.Spell it out to him if you must!And next time he tries kissing you up and it's making you cringe then you must push him away and say loudly: " No! I said No! I don't want it right now. Leave me alone! "If he's the insensitive sort he will carry on trying to coerce you so you will need to add something like :"My thrush is getting really itchy! "If he is totally ignorant you will have to just get up and walk out of the room into the bathroom taking your mobile phone with you in case he breaks the door down.Now I'm sure you're thinking it could never get that serious or bad..But if it does at least you know how not to be paralysed with fear.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2020): You are in a toxic and abusive relationship. You need to seek counseling, and firm advice from someone you trust; not just this site. You can't bring yourself to leave your abuser; and that's why you seriously need professional-counseling. He will not change, and he's using emotional-manipulation to make you feel guilty about considering the possibility of leaving him.
He isn't going to change. He will just behave for awhile; and do it again, and again, and again! If you need to find yourself a crisis helpline to help you sort things out; this is the time! Giving this kind of advice to a woman in your age-group, and for the reasons you've described, is very very difficult. They try to stay with men like him, and it just gets worse!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): I think this relationship has run its course. Attraction is one of the first things to go when someone isn’t happy in their relationship. To be honest I would loose attraction for someone who thinks it’s acceptable to spit on the floor let alone talk to me like that. This could be contributing to your anxiety. It’s hard to admit that a relationship you had high hopes for is coming to an end. But what’s the alternative? You will not magically wake up one day attracted to him again. You will become even more unhappier and so will he being with someone who doesn’t desire him. He will also end up really unhappy as knowing your partner isn’t attracted to you can be devastating. It’s just hard to accept at the minute - which is understandable. But one day you will wake up and realise enough is enough. I think it’s best to end it for both of your sakes. You may both not see it now but I think it’s for the best - for BOTH of you. You can’t fix this, he cant magically fix it by coming onto you. Desire in a long term relationship is usually linked to how the relationship is going. If the relationship is going well then the desire and attraction follows. If the relationship is an unhappy one - the attraction evaporates. The relationship isn’t working and you have now lost attraction. It’s time to move in OP.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (13 December 2020):
 You are either attracted to someone or you aren't. It should flow naturally, and not be forced.
You can't make yourself feel attracted to him again. From what you have said in your post some of his actions have been some major red flags.
He does not respect you, infact i think that you can do better than this guy.
I think that being in this toxic relationship with him is partly what is contributing to you anxiety and panic attacks. I think it would be best to end this relationship and get your self back together, work on yourself and give yourself the self love that you deserve.
By your own admission you say this is going nowhere. I can't see this changing OP. I think you would have a happier life if you called it a day with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): Wow. Can you get over him calling you a scumbag? That is awful!
Does he know you have to drink to endure sex with him? If my partner had to drink to have sex I'd try to get her help.
It sounds to me like you'd be better off without him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 December 2020):
 You can't MAKE yourself WANT to be with someone, in general or intimately.
Have you considered that you two may not BE great for each other? He sounds like a dick.
While I get that you TRY to be intimate, I can't imagine how horrible he must feel to know that you have to get drunk to WANT to try.
I'd suggest some couples counseling, but... I kind of get the feeling that you are with him out of habit not love and care and vice verse. He doesn't seem like a loving person either.
For you, personally, I think you need to do a little more counseling to keep working on the panic attacks and severe anxiety. There is not instant or magic fix, it's basically... a Work in progress and I think... he is hindering more than helping in you getting it under control.
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