A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:As i write this down i realise how stupid it all sounds and how much of a massive idiot i’ve been. Just over a year ago i went to a 20 year school reunion, i don’t live in the town anymore but i have a lot of friends there and my parents still live there so i still have links but i work (well i did) as cabin crew for a big company and spend half my time living in the middle east and half in the u.k so don’t get back that much. So cut for time and i met my first ever boyfriend at this reunion, sounds like a cliche i know but he’d also moved away from the area as well and it was amazing to see him and we had so much catching up to do, so we Swapped numbers! over the weeks he told me about how his marriage had irreversibly broken down but they were still living together, both desperately un happy but there for the children, he works as a high level Police office so stupidly i had no reason to not trust him, when it became evident we had both feelings, i told him i needed to walk away i wasn’t going to be that person, he was absolutely devastated but said he admired my morals, i then went away for 2 months with work and whilst i was away he text me constantly so many wonderful things and said he would move out of the family home and end the marriage properly!! roll on 2 months and i came back and indeed he’d moved out of the home and into his friends place! it wasn’t ideal but better than nothing... we’d agreed to keep it on the down-low for a few months out of respect for his family. life for 3 months was absolute bliss ... we spoke about marriage and babies eventually, i even got some DIY done on my flat because we were going to buy a place together, then a friend of mine texted me, she was one of the only people that knew we were together and said she’s spoken with my bf mother and the wife had kicked him out because she had caught him texting and sending dick pics to another friend of ours, (his mother was disgusted) his wife had broken into his emails and he was on several dating sites. and was sending dick pictures to several people on instagram, when i heard this, when he came over i went through his phone secretly (wrong i know) but indeed there was recent correspondence with several different women and texts between him and his wife that he was missing her and wanted to go to counselling to work on the marriage, instantly i chucked him out and i won’t ever see him again, although he’s been texting me and has turned up at my house and my parents begging me to try again, i feel like i should warn his wife (and also another one of our friends he is talking to secretly) the man is the most prolific cheating scum bags i’ve ever met and surely he can’t get away with this , friends say walk away, block his number and don’t look back and if the wife takes him back it’s on her? What’s the best option please. It’s hard to make any logical decision when i’m heartbroken and hurt is doing the talking for me at the moment. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): Thank you for your advice everyone.
Original poster here
I know like i am defending myself and maybe i am, but he had told me he hadn’t been in a marriage for years, when he left the house when i was in Dubai he sent me several screen shots of paper work for a divorce lawyer... i would not be a mistress to any man and i did not have any type of intimate relationship until he had moved out of the family home.! Please remember this man was my bf for 4 years, all through our late teens and to my knowledge be never lied to me then... add in he is a police officer who is suppose to be honest and trustworthy!! All i am saying is i am guilty of being an gullible idiot!!
The warning to his wife is he’s told her he’s changed but yet, was calling me crying to take him back and she had no idea!!
i have deleted his number and cut him out of my life, i won’t contact his wife i’ll walk away with my head held high now !
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): Typo corrections:
"Being a tattletale is also admitting you are a woman capable of cheating with married-men!"
"When you step in a pile of dog poop, you don't go looking for the dog's owner."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): You don't need to tell his wife anything! If you found-out what he's up-to, what makes you think she doesn't already know? Snooping men's phones is the thing these days. Surely the idea occurred to her!
Sometimes spiteful-women think they're getting back at the scumbag by telling his wife. You were a co-conspirator in his little undercover cheating-caper. How do you think exposing yourself as one of his mistresses is going to go-over with his wife? She might track you down, and give you a thorough thrashing! Some get angrier with the other-women, than their cheating-husbands! Especially, when you knew he was married and you did it anyway!!!
Being a tattletale is also admitting you are a woman capable of cheating with married=men! Until you heard about Peter Piper's pernicious peddling of his pecker-pics to one of your friends, and was also broadcasting his X-rated junk-show worldwide...you were fine with cheating. Exposing the cheater will expose you too!
When you get yourself out of a hot mess; you'd best keep stepping forward, and you don't look back!!!
Stirring up trouble and instigating a lot of drama serves no constructive purpose. Leave that kind of thing to scheming trouble-makers and scornful-women. Don't stoop to that level. You found-out what he's about; so move on and leave him where you found him. When you step in a pile a dog poop you don't go looking for the dog's owner. You wipe your shoe and keep walking! Going back to mess with his wife is just pouring salt on her wounds.
His marriage is a shambles; probably because his wife is very much aware of what he's all about. She'd probably rather have him there sharing responsibility and financially-supporting his children; than chasing him down for child-support.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 July 2020):
 His wife already knows what she married. What she chooses to do with that information is up to her. Remember, she has much more to lose than you so her decisions may be different based on years of marriage to him and the fact they have children together.
Your friends are right. Delete him out of your life and move on. You will feel much better if you walk away with your head held high than exact some sort of "revenge" by telling his wife. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 July 2020):
 You don't need to "warn" the wife. She already knows, that is why she kicked him out.
You are just ONE of many he chased for his own entertainment.
As for your parents? WHY on Earth would they want you to keep seeing this guy? After he LIED to you and USED you?
LISTEN to your friends. Walk away, move on, BLOCK his sorry ass. STOP wasting your time on this one.
Yes, if the wife takes him back, THAT is on her. SHE knows he is a dick. If she takes him back it will he HER choice.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (27 July 2020):
 I think that your friends are right, you should block his number, delete everything to do with him, and think to yourself how lucky you are that you found out this about him now, and not once you were married to him like his wife did.
If his wife took him back, yes that's on her, but I think its very unlikely that she would, as she knows full well what sort of person he is. As for your friend with whom he is talking to secretly, i'm sure she knows that the pair of you are not together anymore, and I'm sure she will find out the reasons why.
I know its hard, and yes I know your heartbroken but I assure you that things will get easier, time is the healer of all things.
When you feel like this its hard to put a positive spin on things, but honestly things could have been a whole lot worse for you. Infact, think to yourself that you have dodged a bullet there. You are out of that relationship and away from that no good man. Chin up, and onwards and upwards, and good riddance to bad rubbish.
Take each day at a time, but each day bit by bit you will start to feel better about yourself, you can start looking forward and not back, to a bright positive happy future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2020): You seem to think it is ok for him to cheat on his wife and be with you, if he tells you he loves you and wants to marry you and seems to only want you, but when he wants any form of sex with other women then it is wrong. How does this add up? His wife would be far more upset at him falling for and making plans with another woman than using faceless strangers online to jerk off to. Women he has no feelings for and does not respect.
You are angry because he lied to you and used you. Why are women always amazed when a man in a relationship turns out to be lying to them. He lies to his wife so of course he lies to you too. Fair enough, but do not drag his wife into it and use excuses for hurting her too. She knows what he is like better than you, she ended their relationship. She does not need advice. You are wanting to get revenge on him for "cheating" on you and you are wanting to hurt her too.
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