A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am thinking of leaving my husband, is this too extreme? When we met I made it very clear to him that I'm not intereted in being with someone who uses porn. I find it insulting and disrespectful. At the time he said this is fine as he is not interested. Seven years and two kids later I have found him with porn several times. He says I dont look the same and he wants to see women who look like I did before having kids. I'm actually ten pounds lighter than when we met but I have some scars and a few wrinkles. I dress well and am told I'm attractive. We also have an active and good sex life but still he feels the need to use porn. I can't accept this and really feel I'd rather be alone than with someone who uses porn. What do people think?
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male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (25 December 2009):
 I think, you should focus on your disliking about porn.Do you really oppose porn for right reason? I love sex, and dislike porn for certain reason. My reason for disliking porn is aesthetic, I feel sure, that pornographer are not showing sex as it might be, but they are showing as ugly as it can be if one decide to follow the pornographic sexual act.
Visual display of sexual act do only one thing, that it attract attention, momentarily ! But, best sex life is possible even in darkest room, without seeing each others body. It is only sense of touch do magical work, and not shape of body or colors or dressing.
Forget, what your husband had said, it is childish statement, even you could have made very very harsh statement against your husband. But, be creative and communicate with your husband about creative aspect of sex. Yes, once I had seen many porn films, but as my knowledge grew about sex, and I found porn as totally unattractive, because I learn creative aspect of sexual life, which no artist is able to display even through his great talent.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): If he "treats" you as you've said then I think there's more to the story than what may be going on...or in fact nothing at all. If he has always been a porn watcher then I'm sure after the 7 years he's fed up of the nagging and he's realized he will never win in his porn-war so he's come to just insulting you whether it's true or not but either way it get you off his back. I don't know but maybe he has some stress issues or some problem that he is unable to deal with but he find relief in watching porn. You don't sound like a reasonable woman as its more of the "my way or the highway" vibe I get from you. But this is the only problem that you've mentioned and I find that hard to believe that you want to leave him after so long and after having two kids so that's why I think there's more to it than what is being said. Anyway, usually spouses should try to work out their problems with each other before leaving each other, and I happen to think that the porn issue is a common problem which can be easily solved, just by searching google. Good luck to you and your husband.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (23 December 2009):
 Whether or not you leave is your decision. Have you asked him to attend marriage counseling with you? That may be an option. You should talk to a counselor, and insist that he go with you.
I´m going to get flack for being ´´unprofessional``but I don´t care... your husband is being a pig. No one deserves to get treated like shit by their husband and father of their children.
Furthermore, he lied to you. When you marry you promise to love and to cherish. It´s not the porn that concerns me... its all the hurtful remarks. He needs to respect your feelings. If I were you I would go to counseling and insist that he go, like I said. If it were me, I would leave a man who continued to treat me disrespectfully. Don´t put up with that treatment from ANYONE!!!
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (23 December 2009):
When a man starts talking in this "I don't care about your feelings" type of way, its because he thinks you are a done deal and not going anywhere. Basically he thinks he can't possibly lose you, his dinner is on the table everyday, his kids are cared for; you are a stuffed turkey basically. This is my advice to make him stop taking you for granted: start doing yourself up; maybe a nice new hairstyle, manicure, dress well and go out. Go meet your friends, or even to a movie or just to a nice bookshop/coffee house and spend sometime enjoying your own company. Don't tell him where you are going, and be pleasant when you leave because if you terse your lips and slam the door on your way out he will think you are only trying to make him jealous. Do this maybe twice a week for a month and come in after bedtime a few times with a pleasant attitude. Its not necessary to tell him you want a divorce; thats drastic for now and is the very last resort; especially if you tell him with that old faded tshirt on he is bound to agree. As much as we hate it; men are 1. Visual- they like pretty shiny things 2. They enjoy thrill of the chase. Maybe if he sees you doing something unusual, different from always ready with his dinner at home, he might start to appreciate all you do for him. He is being disrespectful and he needs shock treatment to sort him out.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (23 December 2009):
 Your husband's comment that you "dont look the same and he wants to see women who look like I did before having kids" is quite disturbing. You do not need to hear that kind of crap from your husband and father of two children. There is no way that I could advise leaving, but you do need to insist on some serious discussion about this relationship.
On the other hand, some enjoyment of pornography today is fairly common and should not be the sole reason for ending a marriage, especially when children are involved. Porn is insidious, but not always the end all.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 December 2009):
 I think his comments are insulting and disrespectful. I dont know if it would be a deal breaker for me, but I would surely be finding some way to let him know how I feel, I know if somebody who was supposed to love me said he didnt like my body I would be seriously considering my options.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (23 December 2009):
 A lot of men enjoy porn and like with most things, as a woman you will have to find a way to negotiate around this to save your marriage. Let him know his comments upset you but ask him if their is anything you can do that would help to regain his attention fully. Maybe he has some secret fantasy that you could both indulge in...you have to be creative and wiley as men can be very secretive and hard to understand sometimes.
Your own attitude towards porn (although understandable) is something you will have to be a little more relaxed over. I seriously don't think it's worth breaking up a marriage over!
Let down the barriers a little, buy some girly porn and browse through it whilst in bed...get him wondering :-)
AE X
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