A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for almost 20 years. I am 48 and he is 65! I recently found out he had been seeing this girl in her 20's "off and on" (whatever that means) for 14 years! They hooked up when she was 17 years old! I never suspected a thing. I was running errands and saw his truck pulling out of a motel. I followed him and when he realized I was behind him he began running from me! He stopped to let her out at a store and I rammed my truck into the back of his repeatedly (I have never been so furious in my life) we split up for a while and he admitted to it and did the whole I'm sorry it will never happen again. I can't get past the fact that he lied to me for sooooo long! He is bipolar and the doctor said this is common (sexually promiscuous) for people with this disorder! But he was on his meds at the time. Since this happened I started playing detective and I have found out he has been a "dog" for 3/4 of our marriage! I don't think he is acting out anymore (how would I know- his word doesn't mean a thing anymore) but I don't trust him anymore at all. I can't get past all of this and I have obsessive thoughts about it. This was almost a year ago and now he doesn't initiate sex with me at all and claims to be impotent. I suggested getting his hormones checked or something. He goes days without showering! I don't know if he is doing it so I won't come on to him? (he doesn't need to worry) Or is it because he will pick up some whore if he is clean? I don't know anymore! I have 2 kids in college and have only been hanging in here to get them the best start possible in life. One is in her final semester (not his kid) The other is sophomore (ours together) We are basically room mates and I just don't feel like I can go on pretending anymore. I told him a few weeks ago this wasn't working for me and too much damage had been done and I wanted a divorce. He threatened to commit suicide. This is just so "jerry springer" crazy. I am a little worried that he would actually do it, he was hospitalized for a suicide attempt 6 years ago. So what do I do...go through the motions until my kids finish college? Live in a sexless marriage? Have an affair? Bottom line I am not happy and I am living with a man I thought I knew but really don't know him at all! There is a part of me that just "hates" him for what he has done. We own a business together so the money is all tangled up with family...its just a damn mess! I just feel like I am missing out on my life! Give it to mew straight what should I do?
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 Like I said, eventually you will run out of reasons to stay.
Sort your finanaces out right now, look around for more work and start to save. Make sure you have access to important paperwork, especially savings accounts, mortgage statements, pension plans. Anything in your name or joint names, he cannot raid, but it will be impossible to prove unless you have statements and papers.
It's an emotional time, it surely is but you need to get your head on straight because it takes planning.
Try to have a consultation with a good lawyer. I would never have negotiated the divorce without mine, even though it was extra expense, in the long run it saved me money.
You do sound like you are close to ending things and sometimes it's a leap of faith, but I cannot underestimate the importance of financial planning.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback. I want out! The missing parts are I kicked him out after my "out of my mind" bumper car escapade (I seriously can see how someone can become so furious they would do things in that "heat of the moment" that they would never do otherwise! He agreed to counseling, only once! Told the psychologist what she wanted to hear and came back home then had to fix BOTH vehicles. I am embarrassed for what I did but it got his attention! And it made me feel a lot better! I have been to counseling on my own. I have just postponed the inevitable...like his mom is dying of cancer now, them the holidays and before you know it another 6 months is gone! There is no hope for this I know that. I will see a lawyer before I say anything because he will start hiding assets and try to screw me out of what is rightfully mine! This sucks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback. I want out! The missing parts are I kicked him out after my "out of my mind" bumper car escapade (I seriously can see how someone can become so furious they would do things in that "heat of the moment" that they would never do otherwise! He agreed to counseling, only once! Told the psychologist what she wanted to hear and came back home then had to fix BOTH vehicles. I am embarrassed for what I did but it got his attention! And it made me feel a lot better! I have been to counseling on my own. I have just postponed the inevitable...like his mom is dying of cancer now, them the holidays and before you know it another 6 months is gone! There is no hope for this I know that. I will see a lawyer before I say anything because he will start hiding assets and try to screw me out of what is rightfully mine! This sucks!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 November 2012):
This did happen to me in a similar circumstance. My husband was a drinker, a gambler and a cheat (we also never had sex for the last 5 years of our marriage). I was desperately unhappy and never thought I would escape. I didn't have a full time job and no close family nearby to run to.
My kids were 14 and 17. I found a full time job, saved some money and made plans to leave.
I initiated the divorce, bought my own smaller house and worked my butt off to put my kids through university (they are now 20 and 23, both graduated).
When you hit rock bottom, you will find a way to escape. I always thought I could wait it out, but in the end I was fighting for my life in a sea of lies, debt and mistrust...It's hard to leave but it's the only way to feel normal again.
Hope you find the courage to do it.
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A
female
reader, citadel  +, writes (13 November 2012):
I'm missing a big chunk of your story. Like 12 months of it.
What happened after he got home with a damaged truck?
You split, you got back together, was there any counseling?
What has you asking online at this point for suggestions?
Has there been any professional mediation?
What's been going on this past year?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): You do what is in your best interest - you leave him.
Don't let his suicide attempts stop you. No one should have to live like that.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (13 November 2012):
 You should leave. I seriously doubt he'll kill himself and if he does, you will be a very rich widow. You cannot live like this. The trust is gone and it will never be repaired. He got away with it for too long. I don't even know why he's stayed married all these years? Clearly it meant nothing. Move into your own place and don't give him the address. Give him 6 months to accept the idea of the divorce. Then file and take your half. During the time of your seperation, don't meet up with him privately. Make sure you are always in a public place. If he does kill himself, you don't want to be blamed for it. Either way the kids are old enough to understand what he did and why you had to file for divorce. They will understand. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): You should definitely divorce him. When, that's another issue. but just make the decision first that you will leave him.
See a lawyer so you can get advice on how to handle the business. then call a suicide hotline and tell them that your husband is threatening to kill himself if you leave him. They will give you advice what to do (and it won't just be "then stay with him!"), they get calls like this all the time. if necessary, make an appointment with a psychiatrist or therapist and go on your own to get help in developing a plan to leave him and how to handle his threats.
Your kids are already grown so there's no reason to use them as an excuse to continue staying with this guy.
don't believe anything he claims about being sorry or changing. He's been seeing the same girl for 14 years and now that you finally found out he's sorry and wont' do it again, just like that? yeah right.
And just cos the doctor says that people with bi-polar are often promiscuous, that doesn't mean it's OK. It just means that such people need to work harder to do whatever it takes to be 'normal' spouses (which he isn't doing), or they shoudln't be married, period.
he's obviously got major issues for a long time. Now his life is finally going to be unraveling, that's just a natural consequence of how he has been living for the past few decades.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): wow! its no surprise how devastated, shocked, hurt, betrayed, etc etc etc you must feel. to be with someone this long and not know, what a crushing blow....my heart goes out to you there. and youre right, this really does sound like a mess. but.....what is it that you want? do you want out? do you want to stay? that is the first question you have to answer. perhaps you want to allow yourself a time limit....ex. ill give myself 1 to 2 years to see if i can get through this, and make an honest effort. maybe not that long, maybe a little longer. if you decide to leave, please dont let his threats of suicide make you stay. of course you care about him, youve been with him such a long time, and maybe you could let him know that youre willing to help him or get help for him for his depression.....but, also just as important, allow yourself to feel, feel every emotion you are or may experience. im sure youre overwhelmed, and thats ok. if you need to talk to someone, talk here like you are, or seek counsel....please dont try to deal with this yourself. ultimately, the choice is yours, you have to think about YOU, YOU are the only person that knows what you need and want. please keep us posted on your progress and events. big hugs xo
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