A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Me and my wife have been married for 40 years, we're in our 60' but haven't had sex in over 1 year. Is there any advice on how to spice it up? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): you should try going out for a romantic meal & out for a walk holding hands. Me & my husband are in our 60's & have sex once or twice a week usually. Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): First, let me congratulate you on 40 years of marriage, which is a marvelous achievement. You two have walked a long path together. I can only imagine the triumphs and tragedies you have shared. I hope you both take satisfaction in what’s gone well. And that you’ve come to terms with what hasn’t.
My guess is that two main issues will come to play. One is menopause. The other is the accumulated bulk of things you haven’t chosen to speak about. I’m going to discount the first given your age – you’ve probably had ten or a dozen years to deal with menopause, and your question notes that you haven’t had sex in the last year. Maybe you never dealt effectively with menopause, which is something a physician could advise you upon. I haven’t trod that path just yet, but I don’t imagine it will take us a decade to navigate it. Regardless, sex happened since, so perhaps it’s the former.
I’ve been in an exclusive relationship for 30 years, so perhaps my experience is of some value. When we started out, it was all new, it was all wonderful, and we told each other everything. I won’t go into detail about the sex, which was marvelous, or the talking, which was about how we saw the world and how we would change it. We challenged each other. Came to respect each other. So when we got married after a few years of dating, it was a very respectful coming together of equals.
But. Neither of us came from cultures where sharing was automatic. In fact, our shared culture didn’t encourage us to be open. Because it was a closely shared culture, I assumed she knew what I thought.
Fast forward to just after our 24th wedding anniversary. Coming up on the 30th anniversary of our first real date. We’ve made a home for three children, the youngest of whom has become a teenager. Our married relationship had become, frankly, more like running a boarding house. My wife and I haven’t SHARED, in a meaningful way, for some time. We’ve been too busy with our careers and with running the home. The sharing we did when we were dating, well, that was so long past, we didn’t remember it any more.
And then my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer.
I worked hard to be tough. I told her that we would get through it together.
And the odd thing was, I met with a mutual friend, who told me that my wife didn’t have a clue about what I was thinking. I assumed that she knew how awful I felt. And she didn’t.
So I let go. I hugged her, I cried, I sobbed, and let her know in no uncertain terms that I loved her, I wanted her to live. All our years together I assumed she knew it, and she didn’t.
Now we’re in the medical system, waiting for her to have some awful surgery. And in the meantime, we have reconnected. We’re closer than we’ve been in years. And, oddly, have had some amazing sex.
So, OP, perhaps you should imagine something that will break through your norms. A year ago I would have thought that my sex life was gone forever. Not for a moment would I wish cancer on anyone, but cancer has completely changed my world.
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