A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my husband have been married for almost a year, our anniversary is in 2 months, and i think we are on the verge of a divorce. He shows me no love or affection, but only tells me he loves me when i bring it up. i cant even remember the last time he gave me a hug...i think this is so hard for me because he works out of town during the week and when hes home on the weekends its like he doesnt even want to be here. last night i sat in the other room and cried for hours...he just shut the door and went to sleep. to make matters worse i am 4 months pregnant with a baby he said he wanted and yet he hasnt even asked me once how the pregnancy is going.im at a loss; ive begged him to talk to me and he refuses,he says hes too tired but when it comes to everyone else he has time for anything. I love him so much and would be lost wihtout him, but i cant take this much longer it is hurting me deeply. do i stay or leave?
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female
reader, solonely +, writes (24 February 2013):
Your question made me cry, because I know what you are going through. I am there. Although I'm not pregnant, I know how it feels to have someone pull away and be so unaffectionate. If I touch him, he touches me. if I hug him, he hugs me. I need so much more than that. But, reading some of the answers to your question makes me know I'm not alone. When there is something on someone's mind, it can make them pull away or make them not even realize that they're not being affectionate. And yes, being pregnant can make you feel different just as that time of the month can. Since you mentioned you have been married less than a year, I would not give up. I have always heard the first year is the hardest. And then adding a pregnancy along with that first year - I'm sure it's rough. Try to get through that first year.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): Was he like this before you got married? If not, what changed?
I'm not one to force people to stay married when they are really unhappy with each other, but at the same time if this problem is fairly recent it could be too soon to throw in the towel considering all that you would have to lose if this was actually a solvable problem.
I think you need to hang in there for a bit longer before you can know if this is going to be a permanent dynamic in your marriage. You've only been married less than a year. My hb and I have gone through years-long emotionally distant times in our marriage, due to personal problems each of us was facing sometimes you just will not be as close to your spouse as at other times and yes, some times it can last for months or even years but doesn't mean it will be forever. don't be so quick to assume that this is how your marriage will be forever, is what I'm saying. Some times you just need to give it time, realize that life in general is a series of ups and downs.
if you had been married 10 years and your marriage has been like this for 9 years, then I would say it's time to divorce cos obviously it's been a long time and things not getting better so no point continuing as it's unlikely things will improve after so long. But you haven't even been married a year yet, it could be you both just need more time to adjust to being married to each other.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (17 June 2012):
 A lot of the way you are feeling will be due to the fact that you are pregnant. Pregnancy causes your hormones to skyrocket and they make you feel extremely emotional and irrational.
For a lot of guys a pregnancy doesn't mean much to them in the early stages when there is no visable bump. In your mind it's huge because it's happening to your body but it doesn't really mean much to him yet. You can compare this to when someone else is sick, they are feeling awful but you can't really imagine how their body feels because you are not experiencing the sensations.
As for the hugging and telling you he loves you part. Think carefully, did he do these things before you were pregnant? If not did it bother you then? Has he changed since you have been pregnant? Maybe he is finding your emotional state too much and doesn't feel he says the right things so he's give up trying to be your shoulder?
If the above is not the case then definately tell him gently that you are feeling worried about your relationship because you really need hugs and reassurance at the moment.
My husband is not much of a hugger but I know he loves me because he comes home to me every night. He talks to me about his day. He listens to me about my day and he sticks with me through thick and thin.
Think very carefully about leaving because trust me the grass will not be greener on the other side. Make a list of the things he does that make you feel good and show that he loves you and see how long that is.
All the best, you will be ok. Pregnancy is lovely but it is really demanding on you mind and body. Chin up.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (17 June 2012):
 I cannot answer that question for you, but I know how hard it is when someone you love with all your heart does not return the affection. And, like most women, you have probably tried everything you know to try to get the response from him you once got. I agree that counseling could work, but that is only if your husband would agree to go. Some people will absolutely not acknoweldge that something is wrong and are content with things the way they are. You have obviously tried talking with him and he doesn't acknowledge your feelings on the matter and goes to bed. I would try again and tell him you are considering a separation if he does not work with you. I know this is a terrible time for a separation or divorce with a baby on the way, but a baby will not be happy if he/she is in a home where parents don't love one another and there is constant tension. I was told by my ex that he was tired of me starting drama all the time. That was when I knew it was over. I told him it wasn't drama...it was trying to figure out a situation. Of course, he thought there was no situation. Take care and listen to your heart. If you feel he isn't treating you kindly...or even being a good friend let alone a good husband, don't bury your feelings. It will only cause you more pain in the end.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 June 2012):
 Talk to him and tell him that if he refuses to talk to you he leaves you no other choice but to separate.
Then if he doesn't want to talk to you he has already told you "I don't care, divorce me". If he refuses to talk.. then yes, leaving him could be an option. However I am one who doesn't think divorce is a solution to a problem. You could try marriage counseling, or try a separation for a few months and see how things go. It could also be that he needs time to adjust to being married. Or maybe you should work together on finding him a new job that brings him closer to home.
Was he like this before you married? What happened that changed things? Do you know if he's got depression or any other medial history that could be the cause of this attitude of his?
I would also suggest you include in your thoughts that you are pregnant. You are hormonal, and might over-react to things. I am not saying what your husband is doing isn't bad, but I am saying that maybe the reason you cried an entire night is partially because of your hormones as well. And that if you hadn't been pregnant you might have though differently about this, and reacted in different ways. You might also exaggerate how little he shows affection based on him being away a lot, and you being hormonal it is easier to see negatives than positives.
If things do not change, and he is not willing to talk to you despite you telling him how important this is (in a CALM manner, yelling and crying is not going to make him listen, besides this needs to be talked about, not shouted and cried about), then follow your gut instincts. If you feel like leaving, after you have tried everything: then leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): Get into some marriage counseling! Everyone feels that divorce is the easy way out, maybe it is for some but you guys haven't even tried all of the options yet. Do you show him affection? How is his work is it affectingvhim? I do have to ask because sometimes the work of stress alone is the problem. Especially with a baby on the way try to include Hun in the pregnancy.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (16 June 2012):
Don't make any rash decisions with the baby on the way. I've never been pregnant but I imagine there are a lot of hormones here at play too
That being said - he cannot ignore your feelings forever. Maybe try to schedule a time to have a sit down "talk". Calm, rational and planned will give him time to come to the table - having thought about whats going on and maybe open up about why he is withdrawing.
If that fails - ask him if he will go to counseling? Couples or on his own??
Hang in there. Xoxox
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