| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I have been married to the same man for 22 years. In all those years, my husband has never really acted like he truely desires me. Very few kisses and even less hugs. Even in the beginning there never has been romantic moments like hand holding and lying on the sofa together. Sex has dwindled from frequently to once in a while. We rarely spend time together because he doesn't like anything I like, and vice-versa. My parents are deceased and I'm dying to find someone to talk to about this. I feel like he is being dutyful right to the end, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life being more like a roommate than the love of his life.
View related questions:
roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (2 May 2007):
 That sounds sad. I didn't realise that it is that bad from your first comment. It sounds like you do your best, but there is no response... It's the same with my parents. But it is my mother which blocks up. We can not say or suggest her anything, because she is right and we are just all agains her. She is not able to look beyond her own nose and she likes to wallow in her self-pity. So my father gave up. I think that is very sad. I do understand him, but is that the end of it?
I see that this situation is very frustratig! And I can somehow understand that trying hard for no response just causes in resign. But I'm really sorry that I have to say, I don't have the experience or any expert knowledge to give you a helpfull advice. The only thing i really would suggest to you is that you go to see a professional marriage guidance counsellor. If your husband will not come with you, just go on your own. Do it for yourselfe! You should at least have some spiritual guidance! And the best thing you can ever do is that you pray for him and your situation. I will try to remember you regularly in my prayers. May God bless you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEnzian
Thank you for your very intelligent and honest answer. Normaly I would agree with your reply, and yes I am firmilar with The Five Languages of Love. However, things that you or I might suggest would one by one be shot down or discarded by my husband. I truely am at my wits end as to what more to do. I can accept things as they are and remain broken and lonely inside, or I can walk away from it all. Our children are nearly raised. We only have one at home now, and she will be gone in just two short years. I have waited this long, I can wait two more years. Not that I am determined to leave, nor do I have someone waiting in the wings. I would love for him to want me, but he just doesn't. You can't make someone love you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Enzian +, writes (1 May 2007):
Hi Dear!
I'm sure he loves you very much, but can not show it the way you would understand. Have you ever heard of the book "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman? His says/writes that there are five "languages of love" and everyone speaks and understands one (or mayby) two of it. Is is your "mother-tounge of love" That means that you feels that the partner loves you when he shows his love to you in the language you understand. But you don't feel he loves you, when he shows his love in an other way.
To explain this better (I hope you will understand it). This five "languages of love" are (because I read the book in German, I only know German the words for it. So I write them down and have a look in the dictionary try to figure out which one could be the one in English. Hope this works!):
- the first language of love: Lob und Anerkennung = COMMENDATION, COMPLIMENTS and APPRECIATION - this means that you would say to your partner how good he is and that you adore him. It also could mean that you encourage your partner. If this is hes language of love, he will feel loved by you when you tell him such words.
- the second language of love: Hilfsbereitschaft/Gefälligkeit = HELPFULLNES, COMPLAISANCE or GRATUITOUS SERVICE - if this is your partners language of love he feels you love him, when you do all his washings, cook for him, cleand the house, look for the children. For him it would not only be normal and naturally that you do this things, but he regards this as a gratuitous service. It would also mean that you may do some extra work for him, when you see his shoos need some cleaning that you would do this strait and so on. If it is a wifes language of love, this would mean for her husband, that he would try to help her in the household whatever he can. Not that he has to do everything, but not only help her when she needs it badly and also fix things straight away, when they are brocken.
- the third language of love: Geschenke = GIFTS- its especially a womens language. She feels her husband loves her very much, when he brings her flowers, chocolates or anything little. Also men can have this language and are happy about any present.
- the fourth language of love: Zweisamkeit = no word in the dictionary for this ... best way to say it in English would be BEEING TOGETHER. Thet means spend extra time together and getting all the partners attention. It could mean having a candle light dinner together, going for a walk together, talk about anything, going to the cinema, and so one
- the fifth language of love: Zärtlichkeit = AFFECTIONATENESS, CARESS -that would be holding hands, kissing, and so on and also doing this in the public.
The idea now is that each partner trys to find out the language of love of the otherone and then trys to show his love to his wife or husband the way she or he will understand.
Your language of love seems to be the fifth one affectionateness/caress. So your husband would have to learn (yes learn, because its not his natural way to show his love to you!) to kiss you, hold you hand in the public and sit close to you on the sofa when you watch TV.
What is your husbands language? What do you need to learn?
To love the otherone means to make him (or her) happy, not want to be happy yourselfe. Love is also giving and tankig - not only a taking! And love should also depend on mutuality. You may also sometimes need to do things with him he likes, but you can't stand. When you will see his happy face that you show your love to him this way and in his language of love, I'm sure you will do it more often and more and more you will do it with joy.
For more informatione read the book "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. And I think it would be a good idea to talk about this with your husband. When you show him your enthusiasm about the book, he may will read it himselfe. But don't force him to it!
Good luck and fun by learning his Language of love!
...............................
|
