A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my wife for 11 years and we have 2 children - 11 and 8. Where to start.... firstly our relationship has reached crisis point. My wife has met another man (a business partner in America) while chatting through skype. I want to save our relationship, but not sure about how to do it. Have read your column and found similar scenarios. Well, at first we had great sex, but then every time we have an argument, it becomes a big turn-off for me. Then we would go for months without any sex and sometimes a year or so. For a long time it was me who showed no interest in both intimacy and sex and there are times where I have questioned myself whether I really love my wife - after arguments this question always arises. Now after so many years my wife has probably just had enough of our stop start relationship and has met someone who has shown an interst in her and made her laugh and smile. However, I definitely do love my wife and want to try and rebuild our relationship, but just don't know where to start. I have never been a great talker and my wife tells me I don't listen - please help me. We did try therapy (on my wife's instigation) but then she didn't like what the therapist said. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response, you hit the nail on the head with your analysis. I have started doing some of the things you have suggested - lots of compliments, also be more attentive and listening better. Not sure how on communication. The problem now is that whether my wife thinks I am being sincere, I suppose I just have to keep working at it and hope she starts to soften. I am really keen to start sex again with my wife so we can feel that closeness. However with so long without sex, my wife does not exactly feel like jumping back in (and possibly getting hurt) if I once again return to my previous ways. We are going away for a week (on business), but at least we will be alone.
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female
reader, rammsteinfan  +, writes (1 May 2007):
 One thing I should tell you is when a woman is not getting what she needs in order to feel good about herself, she will look somewhere else to get it. She might be under alot of stress and be argumentive at the drop of a hat. Arguments happen in every relationship....it's how you handle it. You shouldn't let it interfer with your sex-life with your wife!! I remember a saying.."NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY!! That is so true!! With less and less sex, your wife is not feeling too good about herself....her self-esteem might be pretty low!! And she is probably always in a crabby mood...am I right? I know that if I got no sex from my husband...I would get crabby, argue all the time, and be looking for someone else!!
How long has it been since you and your wife spent time alone, without the kids, on a vacation? If it feels like it's been too long you can't remember....you need to plan for it!!! It will help you two....and then you can have intimate talks....and try to talk more with her....communication!!!! You said that you are not a great talker....Why don't you find some self-help books, tapes ect to help you with the art of communication
Also be heavy with the compliments to your wife...this will build up her low self-esteem...making her feel good about herself. That will make her happy....and when your wife is happy...you will be happy!!! I feel happy when my man makes compliments about anything about me....it makes me feel good, and the outcome is wonderful!
I hope that this will help you out! 11 years together is a long time...to be wasted away. Also you have children to consider...this could affect them in ways that you don't know!! Think of them, too!!!
Good Luck!!!!!! Be sure to keep us posted on what happens!!!
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