A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am in my late 50's and have been married for second time for 12 years. I have grown up children from my first marriage. My husband is 60 and from the beginning he has been so secretive. He never shows any interest in my life and health and never shares things about his. He never tells me about his work or just general gossip. Even when i have had health problems he never showed any interest or asked me how i got on at the hospital etc. i feel so alone.when we met and got a mortgage together we agreed to share our finances and share our commitments etc. However I quickly found out that he hid things from me and still does. He takes his mail to his work unopened and parcels would also arrive which he would not open but take to his work. I then started to snoop and found out that he had ran up thousands of pounds on a credit card and also £2000 on our joint account without discussing with me. when I asked him if he had money problems he just got sarcastic and said that he spend it on drugs, gambling etc he then just goes in a huff and doesn't talk to me for weeks at a time. i still don't know what he spent the money on.This has continued through out our marriage so much so that I am afraid to open my mouth, He is not aggressive but I feel that he controls me through his silence or withdrawing from me. If I dare to say the wrong thing when he is driving then he drives like a maniac, I feel scared that he is out of control. If I dare ask for example to have dinner without the tv on so that we could just chat but he gets angry and just leaves the room or one occasion threatened to put a hammer through the tv so now i don't ask. We just sit there in silence while he stares at the tv. I feel that I cant ask for anything, even for him to do anything in the house as i cant stand the huff he goes in to. On holiday if I disagree with him or not want to do what he wants, he will just get up and he just walks away from me. Once i couldn't find him. I was frightened and I had to get the bus back to the hotel on my own in a foreign country. I just hate the secrecy I feel that I don't know what he is up to. He has changed his passwords on his computer and phone and he disposes of his mail so i cant see it. There is no honesty or trust. Despite us making plans for our retirement i found that six months ago he had taken out another loan, this is over 4 years and I feel that he has no respect for my feelings or financial wellbeing. If he died tomorrow all he would leave me is a pile of debt. I fear for the future if I cant trust him not to take out finance without telling me.again I only found out this time because I had checked his computer and found a copy of the contract.when I tried to talk to him about it, he didn't even say sorry, all I get is silence . he does not try to make amends but just gives me more silent treatment and of course changed the password on his computer so that i cant find anything else. Then he manages to turn it round like it is my fault and walks about in a huff.Then recently I found out that he has been lying to me by pretending to be going to work when he has been going away on day trips . So he has, on at least four occasions left the house in his work clothes at 7am and comes in at 6pm pretending to have been at work. I also work full time and I rush home to make his tea/tidy up etc, visit my elderly mother and deal with her dog. He even tried to get my own son, who had found out about it to cover up for him which hurts me even more. Again when I told him I was hurt that he lied, and asked him how he would have felt if I had done this to him all he said was "well your obviously not happy so lets end our marriage then" I said I'm obviously not happy being lied to am I ? but he said nothing. no sorry or explanation. Then he treats me like I am the one in the wrong, for example doesn't come to bed, blanks me etc etc. He said to 'end it' which is again what he does but does not do anything to initiate the process. so again it is just ignored and we carry on like nothing has happened.now when he says that he is at work i do not know if he is telling the truth. Most of the time I feel invisible, if I am out with him he seems to spend all his time looking around and hardly looks at me. He continually downloads videos of young naked women on his phone and computer and loads inappropriate things onto you tube that anyone can see under his name. I have tried to tell him that they make me feel worthless and not good enough but he continues to do it. I worry that my colleagues at work might come across them. I also feel that when he is out with me he eye balls other women and smiles at them. i know he cant walk about with his eyes shut but i just find it a bit odd and hurtful.He doesn't seem to care about my feelings. I feel that i have given up hope and no longer ask him things or check up on him. It was so exhausting and I feel bad about myself doing it.The thing i fear the most and i feel a bad person thinking this, is that he will have a heart attack or something and i will have to look after him. He is very overweight and has a very unhealthy lifestyle, i feel angry and resentful because i care for him but when i mention my health the first thing that comes out of his mouth is something about him. I seethe with anger but i never express my anger i seem to internalise it and get depressed.We are both now acting like nothing has happened, he comes in and gets handed his tea and we sit there for the rest of the night in silence . we do not have a sexual relationship anymore , he prefers to look at his computer.i worry that time is running out for me and if i am not careful i could end up with this for the rest of my life. I am afraid of being alone. I wanted to ask :Should i just make the best of things here ? Am i being idealistic to expect him not to do this ? am i asking too much ?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2019): This guy sounds terrible. You don't trust him. He has done you wrong financially and psychologically and possibly cheated on you. Why stay with him?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2019): Corrected typos:
"He seems like one of those online-trolls who found himself a naive and lonely woman."
"Doing everything he can to wear her down into a crushed unhealthy shell of a woman."
"You might also get all his debt to be shifted onto him alone."
Post script:
Let me put it this way. It's a matter of survival. Him, or you? Evil people never seem to have an expiration-date; they seem to go-on and on and on. So you have to cut ties; and run as far away from them as you can get!
Sister, I will pray for you. You need courage, and that's what it takes. Take care of YOU!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2019): "My husband is 60 and from the beginning he has been so secretive."
I'm going to build my advice on this comment. I think the others have more than adequately covered just about everything else.
Hire a lawyer and provide information on all those credit accounts or loans you've found. It is time to get your credit investigated. Get a full credit-report; so you'll know the condition of your credit and what you owe. In fact, everything you're telling us, is what you should be telling an attorney. You're wasting your time here; when you need to be consulting with someone who can deal with your legal matters, and get you out of an obviously abusive marriage.
Get-off that kick about feeling guilty!
That's exactly your problem! Turning a blind-eye to red-flags and deal-breakers. You married the man; because you wanted to be married more than you actually cared about him. It didn't matter how he felt about you, marriage was the goal. You needed someone to make you a wife; so you wouldn't be left single and alone.
You dismiss or tolerate the worst characteristics you can find in a man, or any human being!!! Secretiveness, disrespect, poor money-management, indebtedness, disinterested in intimacy, porn-addicted, and downright nastiness!!!
You can't love someone you don't know and trust! Nothing is scarier than a person who is shutoff and secretive. You have to wonder what they're hiding? There is nothing to justify your love or trust. You might find corpses in your basement, or buried in the backyard! Just figuratively speaking, don't panic!
You settled for the first man to ask you to marry him; because you assumed you'd grow old alone. Look at that list of complaints. You mean to tell us, none of this behavior and secretive-behavior was evident before you married him? You're so terrified of loneliness and not having a man; you overlooked the worst things in human-behavior to avoid it? You just presumed you'd smother him with love and change him. Right?
How can you care about someone who snaps at you, hides things from you, ignores you, flirts with other women, and sits silently day after day? Giving you the silent-treatment. Treating you like you're a boarder, or his live-in maid; whom he merely tolerates in his house. he sounds like one of those online-trolls who found himself a naive and lonely woman. Got her to marry him, and now he's got his citizenship, her income, and probably a life insurance policy on her life. Doing everything he can to wear her done into a crushed unhealthy shell of a woman. To collect on her premature death!
If he told you he takes drugs and gambled, he was probably telling the truth; because he knew you'd retreat into denial and naivete as though it wasn't possibly the truth. Let me tell you something, if someone gave me a comeback like that; his clothes and belongings would be found on the porch in suitcases and garbage-bags, with the door-locks changed! He dared you to divorce him; because he knows you're terrified at the thought of being alone and single over 50-something.
You're a grown-woman. Do you need someone to tell you that you're well-past the point you need a divorce?
Here goes! My dear, get yourself an attorney; and determine if any debt has been forged in your name. You already know you're in-debt; so take the house, and any liquid assets you can get to payoff debt you won't be able to get out of. You might also get all his debt to be shifted to him alone. It is evident you didn't voluntarily cosign for most of it.
You don't have to care so much you're becoming a martyr. Submitting to abuse and going broke. You're more afraid of being alone without a man to depend on; than what you're going through. Those are usually the reasons a woman in her 50's will go through hell with a useless no-good scoundrel for a husband. Using the weak excuse she cares for him. Why'd you write all those horrible things about him? What's there to care about?
If you don't get out of that hellhole; your health will fail, and you'll kick the bucket before he does. You've got your kids, and you can do bad all by yourself. Unless you're a drama-queen addicted to the drama and self-pity? Somehow, I doubt that to be the case! Lawyer-up, sister!!!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 January 2019):
 Would being physically alone be worse than being emotionally alone, as you are now? What are you getting from this marriage, apart from grief?
Firstly, if he is spending money from your JOINT account without your knowledge or express agreement, stop putting money into that account and sort out the finances a different way.
NEITHER of you sounds happy in this relationship but you are BOTH hiding your heads in the sand. Why would you expect HIM to initiate divorce proceedings when he is the one doing the lying? You are effectively his housekeeper. Why would he get rid of you when it would cost him to hire someone to do what you do?
He quite obviously has some sort of a secret life going on, possibly another "wife" and family somewhere. Or he is that into his porn that he spends his missing days with call girls or similar.
Can you manage financially without him? If so, I would urge you to see a solicitor as soon as possible and find out what you would be entitled to financially if you two were to separate and divorce.
You are right that this is what you will have for the rest of your life IF YOU ALLOW IT. It is in YOUR hands and yours alone to do something to improve your life. Once you are divorced, you can look around for someone who is honest, who treats you with love and as an equal, not someone who abuses you in this way (abuse does not need to be physical).
Sweetheart, you ARE worth better than this. You could have 10, 20, 30 years or more left. Is this how you want to spend them? Even worse, do you want to spend them tied to a man who treats you this way but who you cannot walk away from because you would feel guilty leaving him if he was ill?
GET OUT WHILE THE GOING IS GOOD. That is MY advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2019): Day trips?
Well, does it not cross your mind he might be spending the day with another woman? Someone who might like fat guys? Chances are she hadn't yet seen he is a passive aggressive asshole? He's a dick by attempting to control and punish you with the silent treatment. It's a clear power play by a selfish, manipulative poor excuse of a man. You made a mistake. I'd divorce this dick. Consult a lawyer first.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (20 January 2019):
 I felt sad when I read your post, OP. You sound very sad and lonely and confused with a man that you should be able to respect and trust. I would be absolutely miserable if I was in your situation. Your husband doesn't sound like a man that you should stay with let alone grow old with.
You have every right to be concerned about finances. I would strongly suggest you get your husband to open up to you or its time to lawyer up. God only knows what he has done and what he is planning to do. Its scary. OP you are right, what if he would suddenly die? You wouldn't have the slightest idea what kind of mess he would be leaving you with!
Life is short darling...I know..I am your age. Do you REALLY want to live out your life with this man? Yes being alone is scary, but what fun is it being alone and shut out and STILL lonely.
I wish you all the best sweetie. Start protecting yourself. His day trips sound very suspicious...I'd check into that as well. If you can afford it, hire a private investigator. There's truly something wrong with how your husband is acting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2019): He wants you to end it .. have a conversation soon . Tape it .. then if he says again end it . Say fine . You will by means of unacceptable behaviour. No one can live and be happy like you .. you d be happier on your own with a dog and friends than this poo.
Your young enough to have or met someone else don't think your not. If that's what you want. I would separate myself from thus man and my finances asap.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 January 2019):
 First TALK to your bank about the loans. MAKE sure he CAN NOT take any out without you BEING there to sing the loans.
Open a SEPARATE bank account in YOUR name only and deposit your pay there, whatever you have BUDGETED for bills gets transferred into the shared. NOTHING more. Until you know what is up.
Also, CONTACT Citizen's advice. Ask then the LEGALITY of ANY loans he take out in both of your names WITHOUT your knowledge.
Does he have credit cards? I could QUITE honestly, open a PO box and have EVERYTHING delivered there for a while just to see WHAT is going on. Like you said he REFUSES to talk about it, HE hides stuff.
I know it's going BEHIND his back BIG time and you definitely have to consider that he MIGHT leave you if he finds out. but I think you NEED to know before he makes a DEBT HOLE so big YOU can not get out of it, either together or alone.
From YOUR perspective (and honestly, most women's, I don't think you are asking too much, however from his you OBVIOUSLY are thus he uses silent treatment, ignoring you and leaving you alone as his way of punishing you for even questioning him.
I think ONCE you have an idea of what is going on FINANCIALLY, you need to sit him down and IGNORE if he gets man or throws a fit, it needs to be discussed. Talk money. Over what amount do you feel HE should talk to you about purchases or you him? WHERE are your money going? WHAT is he spending money on?
And YOU have to decide if this is really a good partner for you, he sound rather controlling and unpleasant. WHO in GOODNESS name go on day trips with out their partner for shits and grins and have the PARTNER pay for it? while claiming to go to work? Something is up, OP
You don't have sex anymore, is that due to his health or are you just no longer interested? Again, something that needs to be discussed.
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