A
female
age
30-35,
*abyMoo
writes:Hi, :) ok.. Uhm well you may know from my previous question that my boyfriend has 2 cancerous grade 2 brain tumors and im scared to death to lose him. Well... We both know he may die but we alao know we were made for each other. Yes im only 17 and my boyfriend.. Well soon to be husband is 18. But we want children. And we decided to start trying for children but while having sex with him i couldnt help but to break down and cry. Of course i felt horrible but heres my question... Would it be wrong of me to have a child with him knowing that the childs father may die? And if so how do i explain this to my husband? :'(
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 May 2010):
I'm not sure it's a good idea. I'm sure it would mean a to to you, but at the same time, you would suddenly be a single mother and that is a big burden. You could do it, because there are plenty of single mothers around who have proved they can. But at the same time, it's not easy. The other thing that you may need to think about is whether the cancer could be passed on to the child in terms of a gene. Some people are more prone to cancer, and the gene can be passed on. I think right now you should focus on yourself and your boyfriend.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 May 2010):
 To be honest I dont think it is a good idea to try for a baby - you are not even married and you really do not want to be left as a single mum aged 17/18. I dont think it is fair to bring a child into the world that may never know its father, and it is not fair on your boyfriend to miss out on all the wonderful parts of raising a child. Even if he is around when the child is born, he will be too ill to be able to give all his love and attention to the child.
I know it seems like a good idea and I can understand why you are tempted to have a baby now - after all you must see it like this is your only chance to have a baby with the man you love, and because time is short then you must have the baby now. I do understand where you are coming from but this is just a romantic ideal, where in your head it is this vision of carrying on your boyfriend's life through this child. But the reality is that you will be 17/18, possibly dealing with the death of your boyfriend and you will be trying to raise a child alone. It is too much for someone so young, it would probably lead to post-natal depression in my opinion because you would be alone, greiving and each time you look at the baby it would remind you of the boyfriend you have just lost, and you would resent the child wishing you could have your boyfriend back instead of the baby.
I think if you really want to get married then fine, go ahead. This wont really have any impact on anything and I guess because time is short at the moment then it is understandable. But to have a child - this is irresponsible. All your attention should be focused on trying to help your boyfriend get better, not trying for a baby, then going through pregnancy with all its ups and downs, then dealing with the financial pressures of buying everything you need for the baby whilst your boyfriend is having treatment....then when the baby arrives you will be tired and stressed and wont have any time to look after your boyfriend, and it will only get worse from there. You will be spreading yourself too thinly over a very ill boyfriend and a newborn baby - this is too much for most adults to deal with let alone a 17 year old.
I really hope you listen to the advice here, I dont think you are thinking about the baby rationally here. The child will never know its father - it is clear you think the world of him so is it really fair to the child to let it grow up never knowing this wonderful guy? And is it fair to you to have to be alone raising a child for the next 18+ years with no financial help and no emotional support? I know you wont even be thinking of this right now but if your boyfriend does die, then I am sure he will want you to be happy in the future and live a full life. So maybe in a few years you might start to think about meeting someone else, but realistically who would want to date a young woman who has a small child to a dead man they can never live up to? As horrible as this sounds, children to single men are baggage they dont want or need. Men are genetically designed to look after their OWN children, but if they are presented with looking after another man's child then this is a very unattractive idea and you will struggle to meet a man willing to do this.
So instead I think you should focus on planning your wedding and helping your boyfriend in any way you can to get better. His health should be the priority now, and you need to focus all your efforts into this. It sounds like he may still pull through this, after all he is young so he has a better chance at getting better. So you need to support him now, look after him and be there 100% for him. He doesnt need the added stress of trying for a baby (which can take months, even years) plus the financial stress of preparing for a baby, plus a stressed out hormonal girlfriend! Fingers crossed your boyfriend will get better and you will be able to go on and have a baby in the future. And if not, you will still have wonderful memories of him and your time together, a baby in never going to make what you have any more special.
I hope you do the right thing.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2010): U should be thinking about prom and what school ur going to no baby's. U have a serious situation ur husband is sick...be their for him love him keep him happy but don't add stress to this that's all it would be. Love live life. Enjoy him take lots of pictures video tape ur moments so u will always remember him. Don't bring a child into this picture
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2010): For one I think u guys are to young to be married, and the fact that he is sick makes me think that's why u guys rushed getting married. Anyway ur kids in love. And a baby? Who will raise it? Feed it? Pay for day care? Ur parents. Don't do it I know u love him but having a baby is hard and one day if he dies u will move on....then u will have a baby that will want the love from a father. Good men are hard to find and ur child will be losing because his father can't be there. U guys are in love but u will be doing it one once he's gone and u should be focused on school if the day comes when he loses his life. Ill pray for him for god to heal him. Just please tell ur husband u can't handle having his baby because u will miss him more and u don't want to do it alone. Don't rush ur life because god may take him away. That would be a big mistake. Good luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 May 2010):
 Honey, what do YOU want to do ? How do YOU feel about raising a child on your own at your young age ? Would that make the aftermath of your possible loss better or worse ?
That's what you need to be sure about ,before you explain anything to anybody.
Best of luck. Love and light.
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