A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 30 years and I have caught my husband viewing porn sites and selecting a person that he obviously likes the look of. Once selected he starts to masturbate. I do not agree with this and I have also caught him doing this to an adult channel on the tv. It is always in the middle of the night. What does this mean and should I feel betrayed when I have said "Why dont you want me?"
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): I think that your husband is obviously aware that you would not be happy...or maybe he is embarrassed because it happens in the middle of the night...when everyone is supposed to be sleeping.
I think you have a right to feel betrayed...married couples should not have secrets...however, nobody is perfect.
I would talk to him about it!!! Calmly. My first question would be why? He may not even know. If you want him to stop...tell him. If he can't stop...get help!!! If you can't get help...compromise...if you don't want to do that...get out!!!
It's not easy to be in your situation...I can empathize with you...hang in there! Know that whatever the reason...YOU are not to blame.
I'm sorry.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): I recently ran into the same problem. The emotions that sprang for me were exactly the same as if he had cheated on me. After a long talk with a friend I realized that I had so many of my own insecurities that were adding to my reaction. I realized that my reaction to porn and what I made porn mean was not what he was making it mean.
My guy was/is looking at women that look very different then me and I made that mean that I was not his type. It made me feel like he would always compare me with the image. Once I realized that I also have an ideal sexy guy image (that my boyfriend does not look like) it made me feel better because I dont wish that he looked that way (well honestly there is a piece of me that does, but I think that is okay).
In addition I realized that I have a great guy and that if I try to control his natural male tendencies I could ruin my relationship that I adore! I know that he loves me and thats all I need.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): Hi yes the more we as women fight the truth that men like porn as entertainment the more we will ensure that we have unhappy relationships with our man. its not what we like as they do but we are not as sexual and that is not an excuse its the truth. i told me hubby i dont like porn or him wathing it but i will not tell him to stop i expressed my insecurities and we had an open discussion. he now watches in the other room and tells me he is watching it. he loves making love to me and tries to reassure me. after we had the discussion he went to work and called me from work just to say hi and ask how i was feeling it was so sweet and sincere all because i showed an understanding and calmness and did not try to dictate to him what not to do because of my insecurities. he appreciated that. women tend to like the soft porn perhaps you should try watchin that to understand the turn on aspect and believe me it will not result in you wanting to cheat on your husband. the big killer is not the porn it is your reaction to it. be accepting and understanding and mean it, and slowly it will become less but not ever stop completely. satisfy your mans sexual needs, dont force an issue, be secure and behave that way and you will see a difference.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni forgot he also told my ex daughter inlaw that when he used to go fishing all night that he was not fishing he was seeing other women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI might of said something to him!!!! Six years agoe he went through a mid-life crisis thought the grass was greener and all that rubbish. Obviously it seldom is not. Our yougest sons marriage split and my husband thought he would, come on to his ex. My husband when it all came out said that it was exaggerated but did admit to me that he did ask her for sex and that he had fancied her from afar when they were together. Ever since then it has been a catolouge of errors. It has left me constantly suspicious of him and i really believe he is only with me because of our kids and grandkids. maybe i should just walk away rather than live this life of unscertanty
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank you all for your views and advice. One thing that maybe i did not make clear is that he has only been caught twice by me. he suspiciously deletes all of his history whilst on the pc. and on both times he could of been intimate with me rather than porn. we dont always have the opportunity, even when we went to cyprus for a week, two weeks ago just the two of us we managed to get together once. something seems wrong in that fact alone. he knew after the first time of me finding out that i did not think it very respectful so why risk it why not just tell me that he liked that sort of thing or just ravish me. oh i dont know.
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A
male
reader, nflguy  +, writes (8 October 2007):
Your husband is only doing what guys do. If he jumped on you every time he was in the mood you wouldn't be able to walk. It has nothing to do with you not being enough for him. Even celebrities with hot model wives watch porn from time to time. Turst me. The only way this could be a problem is if he does it all the time and/or does that instead of being intimate with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): I'd say dress up in something sexy and surprise him with a romantic night. How can I guy go back to porn when he's got his wife to satisfy his needs?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007): If it bothers you a lot, it is very reasonable for you to ask him to stop. Or, you could ask to watch the porn with him.
Keep in mind- he may be looking at porn, but it does not mean that he thinks those women are more attractive than you or that he is disatisfied with your performance in bed. Studies have shown that men are aroused by the sight of women being aroused, and that when they view porn they spend more time looking at the women's faces that their bodies. So you should not feel insecure about it.
On the other hand, porn can be damaging to couple's sex lives. If yours is going downhill because of his porn use, then it's important for you to do something about it... it could be an addiction.
Contrary to popular belief, men do not "need" porn to get off so don't let him pull that one either.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (7 October 2007):
 Are there issues when it comes to your sex life? is this a sudden thig?.
I have no problem with my husband watching porn if he wants to do that and he feels the same with me, some people see it as a really big deal but it is only a film with actors and actresess.
Tell him how you feel about it though and ask him why he wants to watch them, talking to each other is the key to getting this sorted out.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, just-ask-xx +, writes (7 October 2007):
 A lot of men watch porn, a lot of my previous bf watched it and I was betrayed at first but then I realised, it's a man thing :) I would tell him that you don't feel comfortable about it and hopefully he will accept your choice :) men will be men :) reply if you want to, love just-ask-xx
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