A
female
age
36-40,
*uscle and Sinew
writes:I've been married for about three years and I find myself less intimate with my husband. I feel like I always have to compare myself with other women. I have a low self esteem because his eyes wonder even if I'm there. I've seen things on his phone, he looks at dirty magazines. I just don't know how to deal with this. I can't even make love and if I do it's just cause he wants to, sometimes, well most of the times I fake an orgasim because I know that's what he wants. I confronted him and told him I fake it, but he can care less if I do have an orgasim. What should I do? I'm lost and tired od feeling like I'm ugly. I feel like a plain Jane because of him. I don't know what he wants? Thx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 May 2010):
 That is wonderful news. Some times you just have to give a little nudge to get things back on track. I hope all continues going well for the both of you. Take care.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 May 2010):
 Thanks for your update.
It is a great pleasure to hear that you have found the spark again in your marriage. Don't let those problems get you down. Overcome them and live a happy and joyful life.
All the best to you !
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A
female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (25 May 2010):
Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the question thanks guys all your advice has payed off, and i am as happy as ever..a big burden is my mother in law. but no that everything has fallen to place are marriage is growing. i feel it he feels it. and we let all the burdens in gods hands. thank you all once again!!!
M&S
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 April 2010):
That's great to hear. I hope all works out for you, take care.
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A
female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (23 April 2010):
Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the questionrcn and laura, your replies have helped me a lot. in fact i told him how i felt and told him what can happen if things dont change. i actually took control. i feel almost relieved having all of this off my chest. i know mu huby loves me. i think he is also self conscience about himself too. which makes things a little harder. but with faith love and hope. a marriage will always wk
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (21 April 2010):
You should seek your own happiness. You do not have to depend on him for your happiness.
Think of those things that you want to do.Go and do it and you will feel much happier and it will increase your self esteem and confidence.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 April 2010):
You're not selfish at all. You have every right to a satisfying marriage. You deserve to feel beautiful inside and outside. You deserve to be desired, respected and treasured. Women are not property, just as a relationship is not a tool to control the other person.
I recommended counseling, whether or not you remained married. These negative thoughts, and experience take their toll on your sense of self. I recommended you see counseling to provide you with tools for increasing your sense of self.
As far as your husband is concerned, I don't know why he's behaving the way he is. I don't know why he's not busting his rear to assure the marriage is satisfying to both of you. In helping people, I attempt to see the situation from what could be the second side of the story. In this situation, the second side is blank. I have never said that before, and no matter how hard I looked at it, I can't see possible reasons for his inaction. Almost, as if you are the only personality of your marriage.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (20 April 2010):
Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had been taking zoloft to help with this prblem and even when I would take it, I still feel the same. I can't go anywhere and not feel like he is looking around. I don't know what to do? Even in front of my and my co workers he came a cross an "old" friend and asked for her number, saying that he was gunna go by her moms house. I'm tired of feeling like this. And if we were to go to counseling I'd be scared that it wouldn't take us anywhere. I just can't look at him the same, I'm sad with him yet disgusted with him. I can't talk about this with family, they would just tell me to stick in there and not to break off the marriage. Sometimes I want to leave and just drive in my car and go somewhere far away. I'm tired of pretending. I bite my tongue, I always feel like I have no rite to feel this way, almost guilty. I think he wants a girl who less reserved than me. I'm too sheltered for him. He is a great person, but I don't feel beautiful inside and out. Am I being selfish?
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A
female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (20 April 2010):
Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had been taking zoloft to help with this prblem and even when I would take it, I still feel the same. I can't go anywhere and not feel like he is looking around. I don't know what to do? Even in front of my and my co workers he came a cross an "old" friend and asked for her number, saying that he was gunna go by her moms house. I'm tired of feeling like this. And if we were to go to counseling I'd be scared that it wouldn't take us anywhere. I just can't look at him the same, I'm sad with him yet disgusted with him. I can't talk about this with family, they would just tell me to stick in there and not to break off the marriage. Sometimes I want to leave and just drive in my car and go somewhere far away. I'm tired of pretending. I bite my tongue, I always feel like I have no rite to feel this way, almost guilty. I think he wants a girl who less reserved than me. I'm too sheltered for him. He is a great person, but I don't feel beautiful inside and out. Am I being selfish?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 April 2010):
How a man treats his wife can make or break her. If there is love in the relationship, she will have joy and radiant in her face. If love is not there, the woman's countenance will suffer and she will always be sad.
You need to go back to the basics of falling in love again with each other. Both of you need to work at your marriage. Talk to him about your wants and what needs to be done to revive the romance in this marriage.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 April 2010):
Only 3 years, and it's "blah"? This is not how a marriage should look. It'd tell him, something needs to change. Be firm. Tell him this is your marriage too, and you will not be part of one that makes you feel the way you have been. A marriage needs to be one which begins and allows the couple to grow together. This one sounds as if you said "I do", then "flush."
I'd recommend personal counseling to improve your sense of self worth, and as far as the marriage, I'd recommend a marriage coach. Someone who can sit with you and develop a plan to keep the spark alive, and can provide you with a direction for this marriage to grow. Have date nights, take vacations, play, be crazy at times. Have fun. Lay down "responsibility" such as walking the fine corporate or business line to love and enjoy your marriage. Especially, find out what really makes him feel loved, and have him do the same for you, then repeat as often as you can. Marriages 9 times out of 10 crash when put on auto-pilot. Keep your eyes on where you two want to go as a couple, and keep working toward that.
Sometimes it can be simple to repair. I had a couple, ready for divorce, I had them pick Sat. afternoon together, no kids, no bills, just focusing on them for a few hours once a week. That few hours saved their marriage. One simple change. I bring that up, because what you said was extremely similar. Sometimes we loose focus, and let life direct us. We need to always remember, we direct life, and will loose what we treasure if we allow life to dictate our marital direction.
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