A
female
age
51-59,
*eb70
writes:My husband loves to go out late at night to listen to live music, while I don't like the scene at all because it's loud and crowded. I need to go out more with him because he very much wants me there. How can I make it more bearable? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, penta +, writes (23 July 2007):
 That's so wonderful! Thanks for coming back and sharing your success!
A
female
reader, deb70 +, writes (23 July 2007):
deb70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE!
I did it! Thanks to you all!
My hubby and I went out to a local restaurant/bar that brings in live music on Friday nights - this time it was a couple of guitarists - very nice. We met his friend who he's been out with many time before and I hadn't met yet(a fellow who shares his musical interests, they both play guitar) and we stayed out until 2:30 AM!! After, we went to a diner. My husband was so thrilled to have me out with him. I was very proud too. The following night, we rented a romantic-comedy. So, that's real compromise and we're both very happy with the outcome. Thanks very much for your suggestions.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy  +, writes (20 July 2007):
 I'm glad we could help hunni!
xxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (19 July 2007):
Hey Deb. This is great news! I'm so glad we were able to help.
One of your questions below asked for help with the visual. I think you could easily find some "trendy" sunglasses -- preferably something with color-tinted or mirrored glass -- to help dull the bright lights. Behind them, you could close your eyes and no one would know!
Then just look forward to the cheese fries and you have a great time. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, deb70 +, writes (19 July 2007):
deb70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou all are wonderful! I appreciate the caring and kindness and just wanted to say thanks so much. Here's the latest: I've put together a small bag of items that will make me more comfortable while there (some handiwipes for the bathrooms in case they don't have toilet tissue for example - why are they always so gross??!), and have asked if we could visit an all-nite diner after and he said absolutely. I should have explained that I have a bit of claustrophobia and loud noises freak me out so I try to avoid those situations and have never gotten used to it. Anyway, he's tried to go with his friends alone (as I do with my friends to things he doesn't like), but he says he still wants me there with him occasionally. He wants his lady on his arm, he says. Also, I asked if it's OK to wear sneakers and be really comfortable - I mean, when I think of "going out" I would think, heels and a skirt - but it's so wrong for a bar/club - and he said, yes, that's fine, no problem. So I just will wear jeans, sneakers and a t-shirt, with a cool cap, and maybe I'll be more comfortable. Here's hoping.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (19 July 2007):
Hope you come up with a solution hunni! xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007): can't he go with friends? i mean my husband also loves live music and like you i don't, but i love the theatre and he thinks its boring so we do those things with our friends. it means we still have our own lives and don't have to compromise on the things we like
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A
female
reader, deb70 +, writes (18 July 2007):
deb70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Agony Aunts!
Thanks very much for your answers. I agree - compromise is the best way! I have the earplugs ready (I have tried that before with some success), and I love the idea of capping the night off with a treat like cheese fries! Yum! Also suggested was use of an Ipod; I'll need to see if my husband is cool with that - one of my friends even suggested watching movies - I don't know how removed I can be from what's happening - I don't want to offend my husband... And I like the idea of taking turns as well - doing what he likes one week, what I like the next. At least, there is no smoking anymore in my state at these places - that had made it harder. So, the noise level is taken care of now, what with the earplugs. Any ideas about all the visual stimulation? Maybe I can wear a hat to block peripheral view? I simply take so much in that it's overwhelming to me. I hear it all, see it all...And what about all the people bumping into me? I get so aggravated and want to stomp on someone's foot when they get too close, but that's what inebriated people do sometimes, right? They don't mean to get in your personal space; they just do. Thanks for your thoughts...I truly appreciate your help!
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (18 July 2007):
 Hi there Deb,
Oh, man - I know what you mean. I actually used to love going to shows with my husband, but now I can't stand it. The people are usually loud and obnoxious, there's cigarette smoke everywhere, the music is too loud and usually something I'd rather not listen to, and [insert 100 other complaints here].
BUT! I know that it means a lot to my husband if I go with him, so I will every once in a while. Afterall, I drag him places he loathes, as well. heh heh Giving up a few hours doing something that your partner really enjoys kind of makes it worthwhile in a way, don't you think? Like yummy said, "it's about compromising." ^_^
Maybe you two could go and do something that you enjoy beforehand or afterwards even. What about going to grab a bite to eat and/or getting some coffee? My husband and I will sometimes stop by all night diners and load up on junk food afterwards which always makes me happy. (Mmm. Cheese fries!!) That makes going out to a show even better because then I can also look forward to something. Even if you don't stop to get food, maybe there's something else you'd like to do... Take him with you to get a new outfit to wear out? There are lots of things! Try to make it a night that the both of you will enjoy.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (18 July 2007):
Can you not go and see a live band one week then do something you like the next week?
It's about compromising.
xxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (18 July 2007):
Is there something you like that he doesn't? You can either go out "together separately" (go to your separate activities then meet up at the end of the evening), or you can trade off (you both go to his thing one time, then yours the next).
You might suggest a ball-room dance class, or something, if you like it. Then the next time you go to a loud music thing, the two of you will have the skills to dance to it.
It would be very sad if he had to give up something he enjoys so much just because you don't like it. He would probably resent it (I know I would, and so would you) if he had to do that.
(Have you thought of bringing an iPod? That way you could at least listen to music you like rather than whatever is so loud. Or even ear-plugs would help -- you'll probably be able to listen to the music through the ear-plugs [grin] and it won't seem so loud.)
Good luck.
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