A
male
age
,
*eanpole
writes:Hi, I found out 6 days ago that my wife is having an affair. I have known in my heart things have not been right for quite a while and understand that this has been going on behind my back for 2 or 3 months. I am having a very tough time dealing with this. We have been married 12 years and have been together for 15. We have a 5 children (the eldest 17 from her previous marriage).We, like any relationship, have had difficulties in the past that we have worked through. Mainly the problems have been due to her jealousy and the ammount of hours I work to provide a good living for us.I have suggested we go to counseling and proceeded to make the appointment. She says she really really wants a divorce and is not prepared to dicuss this with anyone to help us. When I found out about the affair I begged her to stop, told her I still love her and would forgive but she just laughed at me. This made me feel more hurt and pathetic.During this last 6 days I have lost a stone in weight (who needs diet plans eh!). I am very mixed up on what I want and now she is threatening me with the house, can she make me leave and will she definately get it. She doesn't want to keep it herself, I have suggested me keeping it so that the children will still have their own familier surroundings when she inevitably takes them from me.I have offered to buy her out for half of the value of the property, do you think this is unfair?I have no close friends because she has manipulated it so that everyone I know is through friends of hers. It is my fault because I have allowed her to do this purely for a quiet life and now I feel so desperate and lonely.Help me please, I do not know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007): You have received straight talking and very good advice from the other posts. You will be no good to anyone by not eating - although it is a completely natural reaction to intense stress and feelings of 'loss'. Your wife is behaving cruelly and you must rise above it for the sake of your children and your own sanity and say you will not resort to 'mind games'. The most important thing is to get some emotional support - you have done a great thing emailing this website, I hope you get lots of replies and also please keep using it as new issues arise as they invariably will do. Take each day as it comes, set small achievable goals. There is a chance your wife may go down a route and regret it - or she may not. It is important that you protect your dignity and that of your children as there is much at stake emotionally for everyone. I urge you to seek support from the charity 'relate' on your own as it is not just for couples to attend - they will see individuals - or the samaritans. Remember that you were an individual before you married and you still are - and have a right to be yourself despite the cruelty. If you cannot face cooking food for yourself try and eat out. As the other post described - walking is very therapeutic and you can think clearly. Just wanted to write to give you a bit of moral support as you sound like a very caring and loyal man and you should be proud of that - whatever life throws at you.
A
female
reader, brainache +, writes (18 July 2007):
I am in a similar situation to you,you must try to eat and look after yourself,I didn't and am suffering severe depression and you don't want to go down that route,you have a young family to look out for too,go to solicitor or C.A.B. for advise so if things don't improve you know your rights.It's such a difficult thing to go through and you can think of nothing else,but do try not to blame yourself too much i know it's the natural thing and very difficult when you have lost your confidence and self esteem you could go to the library and look at a few self help books,
in this very early stage try to relax as much as you can and i also found writing my feelings down helped good,bad whatever (no-one can read mine it's awful, but healthy?!)
Take care my thoughts are with you
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (18 July 2007):
Hi there beanpole,
What a sad read this was, you are suffering badly at the moment aren't you? You are obviously reeling from the shock and finding it difficult to function at all. How to help? This is a tough one. To be brutally honest, it sounds like she is going and there is nothing you can do about it. You need to concentrate on damage limitation now. I don’t know your wife, but I wonder if she is making all these threats to you because she feels trapped and guilty, and so is lashing out in all directions.
I would try to stop pressuring her, let her know that you know she is going and that you aren’t going to try to stop her. Grit your teeth, dig your nails into your palms and try to look like you are cool with it. Never mind that you are anything but cool with it. If she doesn’t feel cornered, she might be more rational about this, and start thinking about sensible options. She might calm down enough to consider if she is doing the right thing, although I wouldn’t get my hopes up.
Plan to see a solicitor tomorrow. I’m not suggesting that you kick-off a full-scale legal battle, but I think you need to get some advice on where you stand. I think he or she will tell you to sit tight and not offer to leave, but you will find out.
You say you have no close friends. If you feel that you don’t have a mate that can listen to you, then I would try calling the Samaritans. They aren’t just there for when you are thinking of ending it all, they are there for situations just like this, when you find yourself lonely and afraid. Have you got any siblings or other relatives that are supportive? They are yours rather than your wife’s, so you could give them a call.
You must try to eat something if you are going to cope at all. Doesn’t matter what it is – for the short term forget about nutritional balance, and just get something down you when you can. I don’t know how you feel about fresh air and exercise? You may loathe them, but I find that a walk can help to relieve unbearable tension. If not this, then maybe you have something else you would enjoy doing for an hour or two to give you something to do with yourself away from the home.
Believe me, you will get through this. No one can pretend that it isn’t going to be awful, but you can do it. Take one day at a time, and look after yourself as best you can.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 July 2007):
 You need to consult with a lawyer and he will walk you through everything, that's why they earn the big bucks. She sounds like a real witch, you'll be just fine. Act like a class act, your children and lost friends will notice, trust me.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (18 July 2007):
 You need to consult a good divorce attorney ASAP. You should be able to keep the house if you pay her off. She cannot force you to sell or give it to her if you do that. You both own the house equally and are each entitled to half. You give her her half and get to keep the house. She cannot kick you out. It is just as much your home as hers. If one of you begins to behave badly this can change. If one of you becomes abusive or threatening or making a hostile environment then one of you may have to go, hopefully the one that is behaving badly.
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