A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my bf have been going out for nearly two years now. As we live nearly an hour apart, i only get to see him at weekends. During the week when we are not seeing each other we talk almost all day via instant messenger. I have recently found out that as well as speaking to me all day he also speaks to his ex girlfriend who also lives a long distance from him. He didn't keep this a secret from me, and i knew that he spoke to her i just didn't realise the extent of their contact. Am i right to be worried about this? Would it be wrong to ask him to stop speaking to her? Does this mean he is having an emotional affair? Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this
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affair, ex girlfriend, his ex, long distance Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007): Emotional cheating is when one gets way to attached to another and they form a strong emotional bond, like that of intimate lovers but without the physical aspects.. Usually it will distract a person greatly from working on his primary relationship with his current partner. I think you are smart to wonder a bit... I feel, he is talking to her too much. To be honest, it's rare that a man can talk to an ex gf, (a woman he was emotionally and physically intimate with) and not feel some degree of emotional attachment. You would never, ever be out of line to tell him that speaking to his ex gf 'every day', is making you feel unsafe in this relationship. If you told me he talked to her, once per week or twice per month, I'd say not to worry. But, every day is unusually much too frequent. Obviously, they do share something meaningful still and they are close friends. But in light of their past history, it could be far too easy to go over the line. Get to the bottom of this and talk to him. Set a few boundaries and never fear be open and forthright with him. This is what sharing one's life with another is all about.
And as Eyes said, another way to tell, is to watch if his behaviors. Also by asking yourself some questions helps, such as: Do you sense an emotional absence when you are with him? Is his ex gf over-riding your primary role in his life and is she distracting him from the intimate close relationship you share with him.. Remember, a real love would not set you on the sidelines. He wouldn't allow it, let alone entice it..do you feel he is doing this? Is he sharing feelings and experiences with her that he should only be sharing with you? If he is then, he's gone over the line. If not, then I would say he is 'not' having an emotional affair with her. I think if this bothers you, though, you should be honest and communicate that to him and just let him know every day' contact is not appropriate.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 July 2007):
 Eyeswideopen is right.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 July 2007):
 I wouldn't ask him not to speak to her if I were you. Just because he talks to her doesn't mean he's having an "emotional affair" especially because he was totally honest about talking to her. I wouldn't be worried at this point but if his demeanor towards you changes in anyway then it's time to worry.
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A
female
reader, AuntySophster +, writes (18 July 2007):
 I dont think you have any need to worry about this. IF he has been honest about the situation and told you that they are in contact, then it is more than likely all innocent. I still have contact with my EX, and my current partner knows about this. Remember, relationships are all about trust - If you cant trust him, is there any point?
A.S xx
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