A
female
age
41-50,
*anting him back
writes:Ok, my husband of 12 years left me over two months ago. Eventhough, he had a very good reason for leaving I was am still in complete shock. When he left we were growing apart more and more everyday, I had been sleeping on the couch for a couple months. I honestly thought it was because our son took up to much room, and refused to sleep somewhere else, but it bothered hubby more than I realized. It was more than that, we didnt talk much, I kept bills from him. anyway, since he has been gone we have argued on a daily basis. all along him telling me if we can just get along for a few days we'll go from there. well I found out he has been seeing someone and I have become obsessed with that. He says that she means nothing and would come home very fast if we could just get along. He has said this same thing to my sister and a several good friends. For the past week he has been telling me that it is all completely in my hands if we could just start to get along he would think good thoughts and want to try to make it work, but much more argueing and he will be gone for good. So question is, Is it too late, can I turn it around for good? Does he mean this, or is it his way of laying the blame on me when we don't get back togehter? Is there anything specific I need to do while trying to get along to get him realy thinking about wanting me back. Remember I am competing with someone 6 years my junior who he says he enjoys being around because she don't argue with him. I truely think he is getting feelings for her, but of course he wouldnt tell me that. He did say she said she loves him. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): First of all YOU should have put your foot down and told your son where he was going to sleep you are the parent. A child should never be is a parents bed. Except in instances of illness or a thunderstorm and there scared but after that they go back to there own bed. That can put a huge kink in any relationship. Bills are something that should be kept out in the open not hidden. He is probley just seeing this person as either revenge on you or just to surfice his sexual needs. he could be just using her to make you jelious. I agree with rcn when he wrote that if he truly wants to work on ya'lls relationship he needs to ditch the other woman.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008):
I BELIEVE HIM, but you have to put more effort int your relationship and sleeping away from each ther is creating distance, hiding things is creating distance, you are not including yur husband in anything so obviously he went elsewhere what man would not.
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A
female
reader, andyb  +, writes (26 July 2008):
you are being given a second chance to make your marriage work, its up to you whether you take that step or not. If you don't you may always wonder 'what if'.
and the reason his new lady friend does not argue with him is because they are not emotionally involved yet.
mind yourself and good luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 July 2008):
 First of all think about this from a different angle. He says he'll leave his new friend, IF you get back together. I would tell him that you are not willing to discuss the two of you, until he's single and free to do so without complications. How fair is it to either of you girls to know he's discussing getting back into the marriage, but is leaving his choices open.
Let me ask you this. Assuming he's only seen her for a short time. How long did it take before the arguing got out of control. Was it just a few months, or much longer. This quote I hear symbolizes why it's not always the best to just leave a relationship and get into a new one: "The worse thing you do by getting into a new relationship is that you take you with you." I talked to a pastor at my church about the quote. He had his own way of validating
its truth. He told me that he offers pre-marital counseling, and says it's interesting to him when he gets turned down when it's like their third marriage. He said this little voice tells him, "I'll ask again before their fourth." This means the negative issues which could be a cause in the marriage with you for the breakdown, will be a negative cause in future relationships. This is why I strongly believe, when married, it's much better to work on problems in a marriage than to leave and find someone else. The two of you know your faults, the problems which exist, and they can be worked on. It's going to take both of you. All though I really don't agree with him seeing this other person while he's still married, I bet you were not an innocent angel in the marriage either.
There are two different types of arguments. One is nonproductive, the other is productive. The nonproductive argument is a power struggle. Your right, he's wrong or the other way around. The productive method is to see the issue from the eyes of the other person. Not judging them for what they perceive to be right, but using both perceptions to develop a solution that will satisfy both of you. It's not a matter of trying to be right. It's saying, it's okay to see the issue differently. It doesn't mean your wrong. Just means you have different views.
The communication doors need to be open. If there's an issue that bothers either one of you, discuss it while it's fresh to resolve the issue. What happened here is 1+1+1+1+1= a weight of many issues that begins driving a wedge between both of you. You can see over years how that can create a huge burden. Sometimes so deep it's difficult to weed through and solve.
I believe it can work, if the intent of both of you is solely to make this marriage work. If you do, there is no lets see what happens in a few days. If you put a time on change, it also allows a time to give up. When working on a marriage, that cannot be an option.
Good luck. I hope all works out for you, no matter the outcome of this marriage. Take care.
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