A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 15 years walked out at Xmas leaving me and the children. He had been having an affair but said it had nothing to do with her he just didn't want to be with me anymore. I was very hurt and angry. He still pays all the bills and the mortgage but wants a divorce as quickly as possible. During our marriage I treated him very well, I was a good earner and paid for everything for him, new cars, boats, all his clothes paying his credit cards bills etc etc. He says he feels I never really cared about him. I have sent 100's of e-mails and texts telling him that I do care etc etc and he will not answer anything unless it has something to do with the children. He now says through the solicitor that I am harrassing him and will put a restraining order on me unless I stop. All I want is to talk to him about things as I feel bereft but he doesn't care at and wants nothing to do with me. He is successful and independent and can easily de-emotionalise everything whereas I am emotional and feel strongly about everything. I have tried so many times to talk to him even using the children but he will either walk away or just hang up on me. What can I do?
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female
reader, GetAGrip  +, writes (19 May 2008):
Maybe, he only wants a divorse becasue of the way you have been acting lately. He has a girlfriend because she makes him happy and not you. Don't show your desperate. Talk to him with your head and not your heart.
You need to get it across to him, that all you have been doing,is trying to understand where it went wrong in your relationship. Send him a hand written note and tell him you have been trying to give it 100% and you are sorry you have been going about it the wrong way. Tell him you are going to get counciling on your own. THATS ALL you need to write. This will take the pressure off him. Don't tell him he needs counciling. You need to have counciling on your own. One day he will realise that it takes 2 to make a relationship work. Men don't like to be pressured. Let him see the change in you first. Be patient if you love him. This is the first step. Once you have backed off, when he comes to to pick up the kids, he will see changes in you.
Remember you have been together a long time and you will mean more to him than his girlfrind. You have a better chance. Hang in there.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 It never pays to be pathetic or clingy to him.
The more pathetic you are, the more he will heaped scorn upon you.
Show your confidence and ignore your emotions and feelings for him.
Throw those feelings to the dogs.
Stand on your own two feet and show him that you can manage your life without him.
Do a 180 degrees turn around and act the opposite of what you are doing.
It will shocked and surprise him.
Don't talk to him or asked him why.
Just walk with your head held high .
Show him your dignity and integrity.
You won't be pushover!
The more you chase, the more instinctively he will run away from you.
Stop chasing and he will come back when reality sets in .
Time is a great healer.
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A
female
reader, janetmf  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 I am also going through a similar situation. Only mine is an abusive alchoholic. Right now I don't think he is drinking. He goes to church with his girlfriend and they call them selves Christians although we are not divorced yet. I am left again to pick up the pieces. Unlike you I want nothing to do with him. You have to think about your self and your children. Believe me there are a lot of nice guys out there and you don't deserve to be treated like this. Don't call, e-mail or text him. Even if you did get to talk with him it most likely wouldn't make a difference. He has made up his mind. You need to start thinking of your future with out him. If he did come back chances are he would leave again. Like mine did. You deserve better. Try to just get by one day at a time. Wake up and think something great will happen today. And it just might. Go to singlesnet.com (it is free) and you will find there are good guys out there. Weed through the 'wine and dine' you ones. I believe there is someone out there for everyone. Let me know how it goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): If you want to get rid of the solicitors you gotta approach this as a calm mature adult. If you keep demanding closure, he will think your hysterical and demand a solicitor stand between you and make things official. I know it's asking a lot, but could you pull your self together and start acting like a mother in danger of losing access to her children. You might try suggesting a family member (either side and impartial) or someone you both trust from the church or amongst your friends. It would be cheaper, private and cause less animosity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): He wants out and you want closure. As far as he is concerned you ARE DEAD to him, he wants nothing more to do with you. He dosen't want to speak to you, he dosen't want to look at you, he dosen't want to hear your name. That's how some men are baby. I know you want closure, so did I. I haven't got it, even after 3 years (and it's still running on)
However, you need some kind of resolution, so here are some suggestions that you may try, but I warn you they're very hard, will test you courage and your love to the limits, they may not work. PLEASE USE WITH CAUTION, RESULTS ARE NOT GUARANTEED AND THEY MY BACKFIRE WITH UNKNOWN CONSEQUENCES.
Option 1: Write him a letter, swallow your pride. Tell him how much you miss him, tell him you'll do anything, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, if he will just come home. Tell him you await his answer, and you will accept his decision 100%. Give this letter to the solicitor and wait.
He'll either return on tell you to piss of "cause he never loved you anyway"... Least favoured strategy. Even if he comes back he'll never love you and you'll be his puppy dog for ever. Anytime you have an arguement he'll say "If you don't like it i'll leave... Your the one who begged me to come back anyway..... I only came back because of the kids." I hate to think what he would demand for this sacrifice and how much it would hurt pride. A living torture, living and loving a man who dosen't love you.
Option 2: Write him a letter. Inform him that you accept his decision. Make sensible arrangements regarding maintainance and access to the children. Enclose a personal letter where you calmly express your regret about the end of your relationship. Remind him it is only manners for him to explain the reasons for his decision so you can move on and get on with your life, for the sake of the children.
Option 3. See option one for advice regarding children and maintaince. Have no futher personal contact with him. Accept your single status and spend time with family, freinds and children as a newly discovered single woman. Take up flirting as a hobby, find a new hobby, loose some weight, go on holiday. Write to Dearcupid often, asking advice from agony uncles about why men leave, and what could be going through his head. Learn about why this relationship failed so you wont make the same mistake again. Talk to the agony aunts about how to spot a good man, from a bad man. Laugh at the poor jokes they post about "why men are useless."
Option 4: Continue on your present course, untill your husband has enough evidence to incarcerate you in jail, under a charge of harrasment and nusience (sorry real bad spelling) He will then file for custody of your children, you will be declared an unfit mother, due to your state of mind. (sorry - I was wrong, this is the least prefered option for me. I DON'T LIKE THIS ONE, I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL)
The way your acting is dangerous baby, in more ways than one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. My children are 12 and 13. I know I have to get on with things but I find not being able to communicate with the soon to be ex husband unbearable. The only comment I got out of him months ago was that we had not made each other happy in the marriage and it was time to move on. Sadly I was really happy so that makes things harder. I know he doesn't want to come back and I doubt I would take him after being 'dumped' like this but I am not getting any closure. I only wanted to talk to find out why he had gone and why he felt like he did but he won't talk to me for even one minute and will only pick up if I withhold the number. Since he left he has done everthing through a solicitor which is costing a fortune. I have tried to reason with him by sending a letter etc to try and keep the costs down but he immediately forwards anthing I send to his solicitor and calls it harrassment although these are perfectly civil letters. I am sitting here not knowing what is going to happen next. I should not complain as all is paid for apart from my solicitors fees but would like it to end as I can't live like this. I cannot accept although I have no choice in it and I must that after so long someone has just walked away totally. All requests to see the children go through the solicitor costing £350 a time when he could text and I would answer for free. Crazy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): You love him, he no longer loves you. You have your kids and your mental health and well being to think about. Listen to lonelytwo, he's trying to tell you how your husband feels, he's trying to tell you to let it go and move on. He's a man, he knows how men feel. Listen to him, take his advice, listen from his experience.
I know your hurting, I know your confused, I know you don't understand, but try, try really hard to put aside your feelings, cut contact with your ex, and try to make plans to be a happy, single woman, a nice ex-wife, a loving woman and an eligible catch for the man who comes into your future and loves you just the way you are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): I think the other aunts maybe correct at this point, that it is to late. Whatever he feels happened, he seems he has taken enough, and texting him reminds him you may not still get the problem he has, and using the children to talk to him has him as mad as hell now.
Your situation has a ring of similarities to mine. I'm self employed, but because of the housing problem, it has been rough going, so she has picked up the slack. The problem is that I feel the same was, that she only puts up with me and doesn't really love me, or even have a sexual interest in me, which hurts, and causes me to distance myself from her. She says she could be with me another 24 years, but the way I feel I've been treated as a mate/lover, I can't see staying in this relationship for much longer, because it hurts.
Unless you can acknowledge his complaints and turn 180 degrees, I'm sorry to say the relationship is over.
Giving each other space at times like these is very helpful; avoiding confrontation. It is possible you can deny the divorce (not signing) and remain married (In the USA I've heard that done), and just say you want both of you to take a rest period and maybe at least both of you see a counselor. If after that, there is no improvement, then you'll sign the divorce.
Good luck. By the way, how old is your children and are they boys or girls?
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (18 May 2008):
 If one person in a marriage wont communicate then there is not a lot you can do Im afraid. You need to accept that he probably wont be coming back even if that hurts you but its vital for you to be able to move on. This wont happen overnight of course and you will go through many emotions, anger, hatred, bitterness etc etc but you need to go through the pain to get through the other side in one piece, for your own sake. You do need to leave him alone now and let the divorce run its course. Only contact him re the kids and keep it simple and non personal. I know its hard as you probably feel you dont know what you did wrong but its not necessarily your fault and this is something he feels he has to do yet by not talking you cant get closure. Talk to people around you, you dont need to be alone during this and often it helps to talk. I wish you luck in the future and hope you can be happy again soon x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): He's walked out of your marriage. The worse thing you can do is harrass him, it won't bring him back it will only drive him further away. I did the same thing, he did come back but he didn't stay and I was left alone, ashamed and embarrassed. I thought you should fight to save a relationship, but now I know that if you love something, you let it go and set it free. If he loves you he'll be back, if not then you got to let him go free to love someone else.
What can you do. Well you taking the best step by talking to us. We'll be your friends, we'll help you get through this. Every time you feel like calling him, talk to us instead. Send me a letter, you can scream at me, you can pretend I'm your husband, tell me all the things you really want to say to him. LEAVE HIM ALONE. HE DOSEN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE.
Listen to what babyduck has said. She's given you the best advice on how to make sense of this situation. Give it time, look after yourself, be kind to yourself... This will eventually pass, life will go on. You have to stay strong for your family, for your kids. YOU WILL HEAL, YOU WILL GET STRONG. One day you'll meet somebody who loves you more than this man ever could.
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