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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My husband lack of empathy really confused me. What do you think about this incident?Let's just say that I'm not all that surprised. Over the years, and we've been together for almost 20 years now, I was ill a couple of times and I must say that my husband (or bf at the time) was not particularly caring. At first he would always be annoyed, before starting to help out with the chores. But this time, his reaction blew me off.(I know, this too doesn't sound nice, but he has other qualities :). He himself was bedridden for weeks a couple of times. He's accident prone and he had several surgeries and I was always there to take care of him.A few days ago, through no fault of my own, a hot-water bottle (which we sometimes both use in winter) exploded and I found myself covered in boiling water, in the middle of the night. Even though I asked for his help with the burns, which were particularly bad , my husband started cleaning up the water that fell on the wooden floor. And not only that, he kept screaming at me, accusing me of being someone who "has no luck" (whatever that means), of destroying the floor... I was in horrible pain and in shock and I thought that maybe it was his initial reaction (however inappropriate it may have been). However, this continued for a long time, until he finally went to sleep. While he was cleaning the floor, I had to dress my own wounds (my right thigh was a mess, as it turned out) with what I could find in the house (he even yelled when he realized that we were out of bandages, since he had used them up a couple of days ago, and hadn't bother to buy more). I took an aspirin, because we had nothing else for the pain. I managed to change my clothes and curl up on the couch. He was still yelling at me. He never offered to really help. Call a doctor. Take me somewhere. Find a pharmacy that's on duty and buy whatever I needed. And I was in pain and couldn't really think straight. I just wanted to be left alone, breath and somehow manage the pain. The following morning - Sunday- he went to our friend's house to get some special bandages for burns, then went for a run (1h), then went to a flee market (2-3h) before coming home to bring the bandages and meds. I got really lucky that the pain subsided.But, I was so shocked by his behavior that I didn't know what to say. Even now, I feel somehow numb. I tried talking to him, telling him hod disappointed I was, hurt, by his behavior, but he didn't want to have an adult conversation about it.In the past few days he kept asking me how I was. He even offered at the beginning a few times to change the bandages (and I let him and thanked him).I just thought that if a friend told me this story, someone I cared about, I would have been pissed at my friend's husband...What's more confusing, he's not a macho type. He respects people and is generally speaking nice to me and others. HE's hardworking, honest and caring. But, when something he cares about (usually stuff like floors, walls, tables, CDs, books...) gets damaged, he loses it. He cannot set his priorities straight and acts like and a-hole.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2019): Take the water bottle back,but afraid your stuck with the cold hubbie.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2019): I used to be a medic. One of the things I've found, is that a large number of men are squeamish about sores and wounds. They hate being around sick people, and refuse to go to hospitals; even when they're the patient!
Side-comment: You knew before you married him he was not particularly caring. You married him anyway. So it's one of the trade-offs you were willing to make. So don't complain.
Dads, husbands, boyfriends, and fathers would rather wait in the waiting-room; than witness what's happening behind the curtain. They get nervous, sweaty, faint, and some even can't run out of the room! They can't bear to watch; while their wives or kids have gaping wounds, or a lot of blood. It's usually the wife, mother, or a girlfriend who stands there dutifully and concerned. Many guys are terrified of needles. Yet won't cry, and act so tough in other situations.
If you screamed or reacted with extreme pain; he probably was afraid to see what it looked like. He had no clue what to do about it. When you're ill, he can't handle the sight of you in your weakened and sickly-state.
Have him take a course in medical first-aid. Setup a medical emergency kit in your kitchen, bathroom, and place one in the bed-stand or a bureau drawer. There should always be medical supplied in your home.
To include: Bandages of all sizes, antiseptic spray, burn creams that also numb or minimize pain, aspirin, iodine, gauze, and cotton balls. Rubbing alcohol or betadine is good for sanitizing your hands; and the surface area around the wound, before applying your bandage. They can be used for cleaning the wounds or cuts.
People grow-older together and get used to each other. Everyone has their role, or what they're expected to do in certain situations. He's not the tender motherly-type.
Clumsy in medical emergencies. As you get older, not a good way to be! If you were having a stroke or heart-attack, what would he do?
We men are good at hiding the little "sissy" quirks we have; that seem weak or unmanly. I used to clean the discharge from the ear-infections my little pug used to have. It made my partner gag. He couldn't stand to touch the dog; even though he was totally cleaned-up and medicated. He'd ask me several times if his ears were well before he could look at his ears! I was the household nurse!
Why would you put hot boiling water in a water bottle? It's the 21st century! They still have water bottles??? You can get temperature-controlled mattresses, and electric blankets. That water bottle must have been decades old!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (18 January 2019):
 My ex husband acted the same way. He was not a doting motherly sort and had no idea how to handle such sort of situations. I'm guessing its because I always took care of everything. Rather than just come out and tell you he really didn't know what to do he handled what he could and acted like the rest of what was going on wasn't important. He felt helpless and rather than show you his weakness he acted tough. Kind of stupid and uncaring but I think thats what it was all about. I got rid of my ex (LOL) and found myself a doctor I married. Now I am the helpless one...ha ha. Sorry not trying to be silly but it is the truth.
After 20 years I think you are expecting your husband to change? He's not going to darling...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 January 2019):
 Electric blanket with a timer!!
If you are looking for an alternative to using the hot water bottle (and by the by, you should NEVER use scalding or boiling water in a water bottle, ever).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 January 2019):
Everyone reacts differently to different situations.
HE can't handle it when YOU get hurt because it makes HIM feel powerless. THAT would be my guess.
My second guess is that he is SO USED to you taking care of things when someone gets hurt that he just LET you deal with it yourself. He instead tried to focus on something (the floor) because he didn't know what else to do. HE doesn't LIKE not knowing what to do. The yelling is his frustration at not knowing what to do.
And then a couple of days after the accident when you were "fine" he offered help because he KNOWS that is what you are supposed to do.
Now you say you are not wholly surprised at his actions, because you have known him for 20 years.
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