A
female
age
41-50,
*ailsel
writes:My husband and I have been married 3 years, our sex life started out strong and wild...He asked me to buy a strap on and play the man with him. I have been against porn and he knows this. I caught him buying porn and it almost ended our relationship. I thouht from the begining that was the reason why he went this route. That he thought I would be ok with gay porn. A year later I was away form hime and I caught him watching porn again. He said a week later that it was gay porn and porn with men with breast. He wanted to know if I would have a three some with that? Was this a fantasy only? I had to know I said lets go get some gay dvd's. we did, I couldve died, he was hard and touching hiself while I was besid ehim while he was watching it. A year later it still continues, the gay porn sites he tries to look at with me as he is turned on and tring to talk me into having a three some with another man. But the next day always the same talk, he says it was just talk and he isnt gay. I am sure there are men who like being touched down there but the porn makes me believe that he must be gay. Also he is 25. please help with advice is he gay or bye?.....
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male
reader, Candleman +, writes (5 October 2009):
In order to determine if your husband is gay or bi is whether or not he is aroused by women. I am not talking about intensity, if he is sexually aroused by women, then he is bi. This doesn't mean that just because he has sex with you that he is bi. A lot depends on what goes on in his mind when having sex with you.
It could be that your husband, due to society was forced into having these heterosexual feelings to where they are not really who is is.
If his only intimate sexual release was forced to be with women, then he could have adapted to this behavior, all the while struggling with who he really is.
One of two things could be possible. Either he developed genuine feelings of a bi-sexual male, or he struggles still with a reality that denies his true sexual identity.
He has already added the addition of you being the man in the relationship and that is all well and good if he is truly bi. But, if he struggles with regular sex with you and views your hetero-sexual acts as something that he just has to do, or if he is constantly thinking along homosexual lines like pretending he is w/ a man when he is w/ you, then you are dealing with a homosexual who is struggling with his true identity.
Let's say your husband tells you he doesn't always think of men w/ you or struggles being with you but is lying. You could then look for others signs like always wanting to do it doggy style, anally, calling him a feminine type name etc etc. I want to really put a caution flag here because he may do all of these things and the focus is on you. Or, he may allow his mind to drift from time to time which isn't so bad. The key is that he has to experience stimulation being with you, a woman, not pretending he is with a man all the time.
Now about the gay culture. My wife and I lived w/ two homosexual men when she was still at univ. There are two general types of gay men. One is called the top and is the more masculine. He usually is the one doing the fucking. The other is called the bottom, whose role is more feminine and enjoys being fucked. My friend, the bottom of this relationship, was actually one who was also into being the top from time to time (not w/ husband though he was a complete top, they had open relationship.)
Neither one was interested in women. In fact, my wife (gf at time) used to get some mean stares from the top. For both, the idea of sex with a woman was repulsive.
Your husband is definitely fitting the definition of a bottom. Now, the biggest question again is does he find sex w/ women stimulating as well. Or, is he vicariously living both a top and bottom homosexual identity with you.
Stories abound in regards to the homosexual man who is married, has kids and when the kids leave, they finally come out of the closet. These men usually keep their homosexual side to themselves. In fact, my top friend owned a store that I rented the basement of and I always had to go get a cup of coffee when one of his tryst would come in. A lot of these were men married w/ kids whose wife had no idea about this side of their sexual identity.
Where you are fortunate, is that your husband is sharing this side of him with you, and hopefully he will be honest with you in sharing what he experiences and has experienced mentally with you in your sex life.
My suggestion would be to allow your man the freedom to explore his sexual identity. If he is allowed to express it, then perhaps he can learn for himself whether he is bi- or whether he is gay. He very easily could be confused himself. If you try to restrict it, then the same mechanism of denial that society so often places on a homosexual person could very well prohibit or delay your husband from understanding who he is.
The key will be for you two to be honest about your emotions with one another. I highly suggest seeing a therapist together that is open to the life that you are trying to create with one another.
I wish you the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): I don't think your husband is gay. I think he is addicted to pornography. Being addicted to pornography myself, all I see is a man who has become bored at times with the norm, or traditional male female pornography, and has begun seeking greater thrills from more fantastical, more rebellious pornography. It is an addiction entirely separate from healthy sex. It fucks with your head. Based on the symptoms, you ought to research porn addictions, and see if your husband has one. And then get him help. It's the best thing you can do for him if he has a sexual addiction.
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A
female
reader, thewomanmenwant  +, writes (5 October 2009):
My first thought was, "holy shit, you've got something dangerous up your alley!" Whatever is in the mind will find a way to manifest into its physical component. Always. Please keep this in mind. Remember the secret, "thoughts are things."His fantasy is already finding it's escape through videos and it's only a matter of time before he finds his way into actually experimenting with it for real.You didn't sign up for sex with other men. I am sorry but it doesn't seem as if you both have the same sexual values. Maybe you didn't spend enough time talking about your sexual preferences while you were dating.Watching porn with men screwing animals is sick. It doesn't matter if someone says it is a fantasy. It's just sick. Where do you draw the line? What wouldn't someone want to fuck if they are going to do it with an animal? I think your man may be bisexual.
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