A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner seems to be a very angry person and its got to a stage where I'm not sure I can carry on with the relationship anymore. Background info: he was mentally, physically and sexually abused as a child. He had counselling for some of it but the therapist was too upset to go on treating him he felt unable to see another and so I guess that was that. I can't completely understand his behaviour but I was also mentally and physically abused as a child. I don't know much about his feelings because he won't discuss much with me but its his day to day behaviour that gets me. He expects me to be the dutiful little wife and have the home perfect and his meals on the table after work. Now I'm quite capable and would consider this of it wasn't for the way he just demands these things. If dinner isn't cooked the way he likes he bins it and accuses me of trying to starve him. We have children and if they complain about the dinner he sends them to bed without it, he expect them to be in their rooms when he comes home and for me to sit with him and gets angry if the children interrupt this. Now I've told him many times these angry outbursts are not acceptable - once he put his hands round my throat and to get him off me I had to hit him and now he blackmails me saying he will tell everyone I hit him when really I was defending myself. Our sexual relationship started out great but now it's just boring he only lets me have sex with him if he thinks I "deserve" it if I defend myself verbally then he will say no sex tonight you don't deserve it. He hardly wants sex but then tells me he was at it 3 times a day with his ex but now he's "grown up and grown ups don't have sex" if he says no to sex that's the end if it but if I say no he will try to force me into it saying that I don't get to decide when we have it. Surely someone sexually abused as a child wouldn't try to force another person into sex? It's like living with Jekyll and Hyde - he might come home happy but the smallest thing can set him off. He won't talk about his life but demands to know mine then laughs or attempts to do the same things that were done to me as a child. I promised him I would never do or say anything hurtful about his past but he just won't tell me why he's angry so much. One time he was awful towards me and told me that since I was beaten by other adults as a child it's ok for him to do it to me as well. I wonder if its a power thing. He says horrible things to me then gives me a box of chocolates as if nothing happened but never says sorry.Does anyone have any ideas what is going on with him? I'm thinking every day that as much as I love him I can't be in this anymore.
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female
reader, Kindpigeonette  +, writes (10 February 2013):
He is ABUSIVE! And guess what? They ALL have sob stories, just like most of us. Most people did not have a perfect childhood. He is now a grown man and he cannot continue to blame his childhood for his behavior. Do you know why he does though? Because it works! "I didn't mean to trash your dinner (that was actually just fine) and treat you like a ragdoll. I mean, you understand, I act this way due to my childhood." Take a look at yourself for a minute. YOU know what I am saying is true. I know you know. YOU were abused as a child, but you are the complete opposite of this monster. My god you are an angel, that is why you try and empathize with him. He knows you are an angel and THAT is why he targets you. He knows that all he has to do to keep you as his SLAVE is to use your kindness and empathy to his advantage. All he has to do is give you a cheap box of chocolates and he gets a SLAVE. Sounds like a good deal huh? I just turned 23 two days ago. I have been in not one, but TWO abusive relationships. I am not proud, however, I can tell you that things will only get worse. Do not stay because Valentines Day is around the corner. Do not stay because your birthday is. Make a plan to leave while he is at work and get YOU and YOUR KIDS and ALL if your belongings to a safe place he does not know about. I broke up with my last boyfriend only a few days before my birthday/vday. I made the mistake of staying longer because of various reasons in the past, and the relationship got progressively worse. If you don't leave for yourself, at least leave for your children. They know what is going on and they know how to act. Get out! Get out! Get out! NO, this is NOT healthy and if your kids stay in this environment any longer THEY WILL be effected and grow up with the same problems you or your husband have. THEY will be adults one day. Don't let them grow up to think even subconsciously that this is healthy. Feel free to update here on your situation at anytime, but please be careful to not let your husband see this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2013): This man is abusing and manipulating you! You need to leave now. I don't care that there are kids involved because they are going to fashion their behavior by what you do not what you say. Its better to have children in a single parent hone that healthy and not a two parent home that is completely dysfunctional. Clearly, this is total devastation going on here. Whatever you have to do get out do it NOW! Don't worry about what's going on with him. Get yourself together for the sake of you're children. They deserve that! They didn't ask for this! Best of luck to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2013): You cannot carry on living like this not just for your sake but your childrens too. They must be nervous wrecks by now, it's like living with a time bomb.
If your husband refuses to get help then he will never change.So neither will his behaviour towards you and your children.I find it hard to believe the therapist was too upset to continue his treatment, I think it was more likely your husband did not want to.
He is clearly damaged by his childhood so cannot function as he should.He should be creating a happy peaceful environment for HIS children and he isn't
Only he can help himself. All you can do is ensure your children and yourself don't live in this pressure pot any longer.
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