A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 26, my husband's 28. We've been married for 6 months, and are well-liked locally.We like socializing, and do it fairly frequently.However, there's one problem which is affecting our marriage badly. He's flirting. Not with other women though, but my friends' husbands.Whenever we're out socializing my husband always flirts with my friends' husbands. Usually it gets ignored, but in one case, one of my friend's husband took it very badly, and called him a "poofter" and threatened to punch him. I told him that my husband was drunk, and that calmed him down.I've tried talking to my husband about this, but he insists it's just a bit of fun - he says women can do this with no recourse, but if a guy does it, why is it so bad?? He also insists he is not gay or bisexual in any way, but this seems to contradict it.Fast forward three weeks later - we were at a friend's engagement party - my friend's 23, her fiance's 29. We were in an Italian restaurant and sat next to another couple who we are good friends with, and who were best friends with the couple whose engagement we were celebrating. My husband began flirting with my friend's husband, and began asking him about his penis size and saying how sexy he was to him, that the husband got so annoyed, he pushed him over, and told him he was a c***t. A fight broke out, and we were kicked out the restaurant. My friend and her fiance were so upset, they were in floods of tears.The next day, I spoke to my husband, but he insisted it was just a joke, and said to me that I should lighten up.Yet away from this my husband is a good man, who looked after me when I was off work with a bad back 2 years ago.I've tried talking to him about this, but he ALWAYS dismisses the issue, insisting he's not gay or bisexual, and trying to discuss something else.Anyone got any advice about dealing with this situation, as I don't know how to deal with it.Rebecca (aka Becky)
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): hey not saying that hes bi or anything but he may be bi-curious i used to do it all the time but im gay now maybe he just likes to joke around to though
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Goodness, any 28 year old guy who continually creates conflict and fights in public, because he can't restrain his inappropriate behaviors and act like an decent, respectable adult, is cause for concern for any wife. The immaturity, the psychological unbalance here has me deeply concerned. Something is up with him.
We cannot tell you if he's gay, bi-curious or bi-sexual. He adamantly claims he isn't. I am going to steer you in another 'possible' direction here, he simply could be a 'straight man who desires intimacy with other men. (SMSM). Sounds the same as bi sexual, doesn't it? Well, at least to me, it did. But SMSM, to me sounds more like a sexual fantasy, than an actual bi-sexual sexual identity issue. It could be also described this way, as quoted: "An SMSM male might only 'fantasize' about men, but their primary sexual and romantic attractions are toward women".
Check out this article:
http://www.glbtq.com/social-sciences/straight_men_who.html
I can't state to you if he is, in fact SMSM. You may gain some insight and see some signs, by reading the above article provided. This could apply to your situation...maybe not. We don't know, but you will. Or he could just be acting like a jackass here, who likes to joke around and see his male friends get bugged and unerved by him. Either way, he's with you-his wife and he's deeply disrespecting you. He's also running the risk of getting himself severely physically hurt and he is also alienating your friends and social life--they all will stop calling, believe me.
As his wife, you need to get tougher and set some boundaries with him. Simply put, tell him..no more of this behavior...plain and simple. Tell him from now on, if he can't learn some self-control, you will refuse to accompany him to to social activities. In fact, tell him, if he does this one more time, you are going alone from now on. And then do that.
If you do talk to him further and you do find out he has SMSM tendencies, then you have some big choices to make as to whether you want these 'sexual fantasy behaviors' of his, smack in the middle of your marriage. I would not blame you if you didn't. I am sorry but you are the only one who can decide what you will and will not tolerate here. Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 December 2008):
 Dear Rebecca, my opinion is that this is not a joke. Even if it had started as one, the consequences of it are no laughing matter. And I don't think it started as a joke.
You're in a very difficult and painful situation. You just married and now you're having a serious problem.
The embarrassment is very serious, and yet I think it is the minor issue. You need to go to the root of the problem.
Is he gay? We can't answer. However, he's doing things that the overwhelming majority of straight men would never do. I am also inclined to say that many gay men wouldn't do that, either. Being gay does not mean you will embarrass other people. I have met some men who were very openly gay and were never involved in any scene. They wouldn't hide they were gay, but wouldn't flirt with other men in public, either.
His saying that it was a joke is so bad. Yeah, right, an engagement is just the right time to ask another man what size his penis is. Yeah, right.
If he's gay, then your marriage is just for cover. THAT is the problem. And a very serious one, for you need to make a decision about it. And no one can help you make that decision.
Maybe you need further proof of his sexual inclination. What you don't need, however, is another scandal. I am sure that the word will spread about this fight, and it will be a serious embarrassment for you. You don't need that, and you don't need to go through any of that. He is adult enough to understand that, whatever his sexual inclinations. I'm afraid that you need to do a lot more than mere words to get him to understand that.
I will recommend that you make sure you're not with him if you don't want to. You're too good to be used for cover, or to be kept in the dark about what goes on.
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A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (10 December 2008):
 Sorry that my advice might sound a bit harsh. I don't believe that your husband is heterosexual. Many people fear from labeling themselves as gay or bisexual aspecially men. Many of them still get married with a women althuogh they are not heterosexual. Men fear the prejudces against them in society if they label themselves. He is saying its a joke as an excuse. You should help him come out of the closet and then end the relationship because he will proberly end up cheating you with another man. I believe he is homersexual. Take care!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): p.s. I hope Lance Merryweather adds his wisdom to this predicament
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Something doesn't sound right here. Your husband got in a knock down, dragged out fight, and the next day with all his bruises he laughs it off?
He might as well say, "That was fun, can't wait to do that again!"
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Don't worry he as become yet another casulty of the sexual deviant generation. Either put up with it or leave him.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (10 December 2008):
 Becky your husband has some major problems here and the worst of it is the fact that he is in total denial. Problems can't be solved if the person doesn't think or know that he has them. I think cutting down on the drinking and socializing would be a big help at this point. Any time one's bad behavoior causes a physical fight and then expulsion from a restaurant, you've got to know there's something amiss. Do try to get him to some counseling if you can, he really needs it. However if the only thing you can do is cut down on going out and drinking, then I'd start there for sure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): he is in denial
he loves you but is probably bisexual
it shoudnt bother you if u trust him
and he stops flirting with other men
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