A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi - my boyfriend is 32 and I am 36 we have a long distance relationship but see each other as often as we can. When he moved from our home town 2 years ago he struggled to make new friends and joined a local informal football team which sounded like a great idea. The concern I have is that he has not really made any friends at his new place of work and the only male friends he has made one is 17 years old and the other is just 21. I have tried very hard to not be judgmental as I know it is difficult to make new friends but I am concerned that these lads are very young. My boyfriend previously worked with teenagers in a mental health capacity for several years and now does not. I have considered whether he misses this 'teenage contact'. However my concern was deepened further when I was last with my boyfriend he received twice daily texts from both friends who would be asking him where he was, what he was doing, how his day had gone etc. I dunno it just seemed really clingy and not like lads that age - almost like my boyfriend enjoyed the opportunity to be the centre of their world. The friends I mention are both vulnerable - one is very unhappy at home, has issues with being adopted and the other is depressed. I am worried my boyfriend has actively sought these friends to have a bit of power over them and yet he does not seem interested in making friends his own age at all. When I mentioned all this to him (tactfully) he got angry with me when I said he should be careful about their vulnerability and how powerful his influence could be over their own parents and to perhaps consider their feelings. Since that time I have left the subject alone. I am also uncomfortable because I am aiming to live with my boyfriend in the near future and I consider the younger of his friends the same age as someone who could be my son! My boyfriend and I skype regularly and every single time we are mid-call his mobile phone bleeps and its a message. I inquire gently who it is (saying - hey you're a popular guy) and its always one or other of these young men/boys. I toggle between feeling like I'm paranoid and that of course there is nothing wrong but then I reflect on myself and think I would not have that much in common with a 17 year old girl - ok I might be friendly and supportive as and when - but I would not expect to be that involved.When we were together in our home town all his friends were late 20's or in their 30's and I never even thought anything. Its only been recently. Any view or advice would be really helpful.Many thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Next time you visit him and he gets all these text messages, ask him to switch his phone off, explain that you want his undivided attention for a little while. Take careful note of his reaction and body language. Maybe when he gets a sms , say something like oh, let me see, what is he saying( take note of his reaction),it should give you some indications.Or invite them around to be spend time with you both, then keep an eye on there body language.
It does sound a little weird and I must admit I would also be a little alarmed. I think be very diplomatic and try and find out more before you move in with him.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 December 2008):
 I guess that the best way to help you, at the moment, is to voice the idea that seems to be hidden in your post.
His relationship with such young guys has made you suspect. Maybe you think that he has a thing for young men? Is this the problem?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): It is a bit of a worry. I know its wrong but i am real concerned. Do some snooping (sneakily) dont get caught by him. As he got mad when u asked him without really asking bluntly he may get furious. Be careful. But i dont like the sound of this
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A
male
reader, ostego160  +, writes (10 December 2008):
Tough one. One thing I do believe is that age is relative. I'm fairly young, yet my good friends' ages are 64, 50, 30. People can have common interests and friendship can transcend all ages.
Is he acting differently? Has he recently been doing things he wouldn't be doing otherwise? If not, it doesn't seem to be any cause for alarm. As far as his angry response, maybe he feels that you are telling him who he can or cannot have as friends, this is very touchy for men. Even if this isn't what you said/implied, he can still percieve it that way.
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