A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Earlier this week I came home from work and found my husband in the living room on the floor writhing with another guy. The windows were blacked out.I asked him what the hell he was doing, and he was brazen enough to say he was making guy-on-guy porn for women, and said he'd had 100 orders which was bringing in some cash for us.I feel disgusted by the whole thing. I spoke to him and asked him if he was gay, but he said no, he's not, he's just become gay-for-pay (apparently there is such a thing, according to Wikipedia).He's usually a loving husband and a great father to our 4-year-old son. Our son has a great bond with him, but now I know why my husband ignored him.I've tried talking to him about it but he's insistent it will carry on.Not in our house it won't.I don't know whether to forgive him or not; he's never cheated before now on me like this.Please help me defuse this situation.
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (27 February 2009):
 has this not destroyed the trust in this marriage?
i would be more annoyed that he would whore himself out and think that this was fine to do within a marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): I have to say this... NO woman I know likes watching gay porn between 2 men. Heck, look on this site, and there are plenty of women who don't like porn, period, much less between 2 men. Only men like seeing girl-on-girl action. That said, I actually worked in the porn industry and I am telling you, the only people who pay to see 2 men getting it on are GAY MEN.I'm not sure what your husband's deal is, but if this is for money, there are other ways to make money. Now, I will say that there isn't much money for men in the straight porn market (women get paid more than men) but going to gay market means either 1) your man is an idiot who can't find a decent second job... I know the economy is bad, but not that bad or 2) your man likes men. Which, if he does, is a conversation you need to have with him.By the way, porn star John Holmes, who was "gay for pay" toward the end of his career and when he had a raging drug habit, caught AIDS that way, from which he ultimately dies, so, like the other aunts have suggested, you might want to get checked out, just to be on the safe side. And since he's clearly in the amateur market making home-made porn (and thus without the mandatory HIV-tests the pros do), he's probably not screening his co-stars.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): "Gay-for-pay" means he identifies as hetrosexual - it doesn't mean that he actually is!
To be able to do that well he'd need to be at least bisexual as I'd think most straight guys would be incapable of doing that.
This is only the first time that you know about.
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A
male
reader, nichiren +, writes (26 February 2009):
 Divorce him.I know most posters are telling you to try to work it out.However he cheated with men and lied about it.He did so in your home where you two have a young child.He has no respect for you or your child.He can possibly get help if he wants to change.But you taking him back even after he tries to reform would be akin to you possibly welcoming the same things or other deceits back.the old saying goes 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.'I am a firm believer in forgiveness, but from afar.Because what if your son had seen that.Not saying your husband is a bad person or father, but his hidden actions could have detrimental effects on his family.
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A
female
reader, aunty_rach +, writes (26 February 2009):
it would have been a different matter if he had told you about his idea and you were ok with it. but for him to do it behind your back is worrying. also if he wanted to make porn, why gay porn? i think you have a few issues to sort out with him.
i don't no many guys who would want to make more money by having sex with another man.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 February 2009):
 Ha! He has an interesting way of earning extra income. Funny, he didn't seem to take into consideration the risks to YOUR health and well-being. He didn't seem to understand that if YOU catch an STD that leads to cancer or AIDS, he's deprived your child of his mother.
I think that insisting it will carry on despite your reaction indicates that he actually IS gay or bi at the least. And I think he's being coy when he says the porn is for women. I'm fairly confident that most of the customers for this type of porn would be men. Not that it matters who's buying the end product here.
Get yourself straight to the doctors and do not have sex with your husband until he's been as well and you both check out clean. God, how irresponsible and cavalier he has been with your health, let alone your feelings.
Right, now that you've made that doctor's appointment, you pop over to www.straightspouse.org and get yourself some support. This is something that I expect you will find difficult to tell friends and family, so you will feel isolated and alone. There's no need to be; you need all the strength and support you can muster.
Personally, I would also probably line up an attorney, so that if things deteriorated, I'd be ahead in the planning for taking care of the needs of the child and myself. Let him make his own plans, if they are going to involve having sex with strangers. Yuck yuck yuck.
Oh and ask to see proof of the orders. That ought to be interesting.
Good grief, you poor thing, you do NOT deserve to be treated as though you had no say in your future! What a lousy lying stinking pile of manure he is!
Sorry, lost my head there for a moment. Now don't you lose yours. THINK, PLAN, take back control of your life!
Hugs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): This is definetly cheating and I would be sickened by it too. I'm so sorry for you, you don't deserve this. If I was you I couldn't be married to a man going pervy and would have to pack my bags. You and your son deserve better than this.
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A
male
reader, 23ConfusedOne23 +, writes (26 February 2009):
 People never seem to stop amazing me. I think in this situation I would first as for proof that he's making porn in the form or DVD or website(not that it makes it better that it's tru but you want to make sure that he's not cheating and becoming gay or what not). If he's becoming gay then you have a huge problem at hand, if he's just doing it for the money then you still have a big problem but maybe there is a reason to make him quit doing his "extra income". You have to be firm with him that it's unacceptable what he is doing and you won't tolerate it. If he loves you then he will quit it.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (26 February 2009):
 In addition to what Emilysanswers suggestion, I would urge you to also get medical check up for STDs.
Did you know that he had brought in extra cash for the family? Did he use it for the whole household/family expenses, or mostly for himself?
He said he's had 100 orders - in the past or in the works now? If he's done this for a while, I would say that if you had not caught him in the act, he would not have readily come clean with you. He knows it is wrong, that is why he had not told you before this.
He may not be gay per se, but if he had already ignored your son, he may have gotten addicted to his side job, either because he enjoyed the sexual act and/or the money he gets from it.
I hope he comes back to you "clean", i.e. not taking this route to earn some extra money, whilst putting his own life (and yours, and your child/future children) in jeopardy.
Addiction is not easy to overcome, whatever the addiction is. On your part, a trust has been broken, and for you, it is something that will need more than a "promise" to win it back.
I hope you have the strength to resolve this issue.
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): As I see it, he is cheating on you with another man! I'm not sure about the demand for guy-on-guy porn though!!! I suggest you take a firm stance and ask him to leave as he has made it clear that he is not going to stop this 'cheating'.
Before you contract some nasty infection, send him on his way!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (26 February 2009):
I don't know why he doesn't get that this is NOT the kind of thing you just do on the side for a bit of extra cash.
How could he not consider your feelings???
I think you need to take a tough stance on this and tell him that it WAS cheating and as such, he is out of the house for now until he realises what he has done and that it is not acceptable.
After a few days on a mate's sofa without you or his son, then he might see what he just risked and come back.
Good Luck!! xx
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