| A ,
anonymous
writes: I'll try to keep this short.I feel like the most selfish person in the world for even asking this question, but it's really been bothering me. I'm just looking for people's opinions on this, even if what you think isn't all that nice. Thanks for reading!Here's what's up. I decided to get married to my husband after he joined the military. I was hesitant, but went through with it anyway because I love him. I still do. We've been married now for about a month shy of a year, and he recently deployed with the military. He won't be back until the middle of January.A couple days after he left, I flew home to see my family for a couple weeks. It was the first time since I've been married that I've visited home without my husband. While I was home, I had such a wonderful time with my family that I couldn't help but wonder why I had given that up. My family is a big one, and all my siblings are like my best friends. I don't want to live a life where I can only see them a few times a year (as my husband intends to make the military his career).I do love my husband very much, but I sort of feel like he's not enough for me. I feel that I'm needing something more. We get along well enough, but he doesn't pay me very much attention. I think I am decently attractive, and men give me attention, which I find flattering. I kind of miss being able to act on it. Don't get me wrong, I never would, I just miss the excitement and the butterflies of being with someone new. My husband is kind of boring, and life with him is very routine. Again, I do love him very much, but I think I'm looking for something that he doesn't have.I think I may just be feeling this way because, in a weird way, I'm angry with him for having to get deployed. Obviously I know he couldn't help it, but I think I might just be feeling like I don't want to be with him anymore because I don't want to miss him anymore. Plus, I don't want to have to live here all alone while he's gone. I'd rather be with my family than sitting here all alone with the people I care about across the country and across the world from me.Am I crazy? Am I a bad person for thinking this way? Did I rush into marriage too soon? I don't want to leave my husband, but I don't want things to be like this forever, either. I don't like where I'm at in my life right now. I need a change, but I don't know exactly what. What should I do?Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I really, really appreciate any advice!
View related questions:
best friend, military, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it's been a long time, but I was just re-reading some of my old questions, and maybe those of you who answered me here will see this, but I did eventually leave my husband. We weren't divorced until February of 2008, but to be honest, I have been so much happier ever since. Thank you all for your support!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it's been a long time, but I was just re-reading some of my old questions, and maybe those of you who answered me here will see this, but I did eventually leave my husband. We weren't divorced until February of 2008, but to be honest, I have been so much happier ever since. Thank you all for your support!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): I too am a military wife, we have 3 boys and I am 19 hours away from my nearest relative. I have often felt guilty about my kids not knowing our parents like I know my grandparents, and I too have a huge family in which we are all very close. But it comes down to things change so much that even wehn I go home and have all that fun it is always noce to come back home to just me and my family. My husband is in Iraq, I have a full time job, 3 boys 2 of which who play all different sports. That along is enough to keep me busy. Maybe you should try getting a job or volunteering, maybe take some classes at a local college. I have learned in my 10 years as a military life that my home is wehre the army sends me and my family. If I were asking and answering the question to myself (if that makes sense) I am from a town of 580 people and its great to go home and visithere and there, and I know with you being the one that moved away that all that attention is on you while your there...the new will wear off and you will be jsut another member of society. This is your chance to see things you never dreamed of seeing, take advantage of it. If you truly truly love him, you can make this work. You have to make the best of a bad situation. I want to keep our home where we are at so when he comes back he has a home to come too. I want him to know that if something happens to him, I will be alright and can make it with our kids on my own. I miss my husband more than I ever thought possible and all I can think of is the day we all come through our door as a family, again. Marriage is hard, ecspecially if your a military spouse its 100 times harder! The money, the moving, the being alone, its hard and its not always fun. Some days I want to run away from it all but I look at I what I got and now out of those 580 people in my home town only about 10 of us got outta there and it makes me glad. you have to grow within your self. Maybe you can get stationed closer to home, I say tough it out and go to school or get a job to pass the time. Hope this helps and good luch!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): My husband is in the military. We have been together for 7 years adn have 2 kids. I worry that my kids will never know their grandparents like I knew mine. I also hate how much being married to a military man limits my career as I am never there long enough to advance. I have also felt the same as you about wanting more and missing home and family but I have also realized that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Both my sisters say they wish they could travel, they wish they weren't so in the middle of every family drama, etc...As for activities, it won't change regardless of where you are. After a week of work he's going to want to relax and not go out regardless if it's in your home town or out of the country. Don't feel guilty about what you are feeling. I think every military wife goes through the same thing. But before you jump do some soul searching. Will you really ever find another man like him? His military career will be hard on both of you but their are also benefits. You need to determine if those benefits and your love out way the difficulties. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): i feel the exact same as you. i've been married for almost two years and am constantly questioning whether i rushed in. i met my husband after he got home from deployment while he was on his 30 day leave and he was so FUN. we were always doing something and had stuff to talk about and made plans to do this or that. i fell in love immediately. of course i never expected to feel the passion you feel in the beginning for the rest of my life, but i feel cheated! he's always gone and when he's home, we do NOTHING. he always says he just wants to relax on the weekends. well, i have a one year old to deal with on my own all week and i want to enjoy the time when i have someone else to share the responsibility with! it' snot even like i want to go out on my own and party, i want to go do fun family stuff! he's totally not the same person i met and agreed to marry. i want my 'leave' husband back! he was so happy and jovial and interested in life and in me. now he's getting ready to deploy a second time and i'm SO happy i'm going to be around my family, WITHOUT him, for a year. i love him, but our life is so stultifying and mind-numbing. he just watches tv, flicking the channel every 3 minutes or plays computer games, totally ignoring me and our child. if i complain he just says that i get the computer and tv all to myself most of the time and it's his turn. i understand how hard military life is, and it's not the constant absences or any temptation to cheat that are affecting me, it's how freaking BORING he is. i, too, feel like a horrible person, because, basically he's kind. he finds me attractive, he doesn't cheat, he takes care of us and he tells me and everyone else that i'm his best friend. of course, this means he doesn't ever go out with his friends, which i really wish he'd do. i swear, i hate the weekends. i can't take the sitting and doing nothing for 48 hours straight. i know i probably didn't help you at all, but... at least you know you're not alone! sometimes i think this is just part of being newly married. it's never what you think it's going to be. i'm not sure if i want to try to plow through and try to make things different, or what. i already wasted 5 years of my life with a drug abuser and i hate myself for losing all that time. i don't want to leave my husband, but i'm afraid of wasting more time being unhappy.
...............................
A
male
reader, duce00  +, writes (26 August 2007):
 I think theres a few factors here. Remember that many people feel a sense of loss after marriage. Not the next day but within the first couple years. It can be a let down when you find that your both just human and lifes demands start creeping in. Yours is worsened by him being deployed. Its a tough time no doubt, but remember that theres alot going on and you need to keep some perspective. He can take a different MOS or rating and be kept on base more often once he has fulfilled his tour obligations. If he is gung ho and wants to go running and gunning you need to ask yourself if thats the life your cut out for. Frankly he shouldnt be getting married if he knows hes constantly required to be in harms way. What ever you do DO NOT CHEAT. There is nothing more heart breaking and demoralizing to a person in the military than to have a spouse at home having an affair. Nobody on earth deserves that agony.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): Its not selfish - My husband has worked away for years, I too live away from my family. After experiencing ups and downs of life, should it help you, i find the only happiness in life is all the energy that emanates from personal happiness, without which I think life is extremely lonely. I have stayed in exactly the same situation, my advice to you is "get out" the reasons you feel are so real...as much as you love eachother your needs are different, i think you are really lucky to have learnt this already, i used to see mine once a year, but due to being so in love and supportive noticing something wasn't right took a lot longer, due to living the life style, as expected... big mistake... its a lonely life, a dark road. Life is to be enjoyed, to share, care, to be there for eachother not to live seperate lives, its a real difficult way of life... meeting the needs of one when it was supposed to be the both of you. Your partners life won't change a great if you stay or not, but yours would. You are may be quite young, so to be able to may be take the next 6 months, learning everything about your circumstance, write it down daily and re-read later, may be you will see what i'm trying to say...It's so apparent that the lifestyle you are in, because of the love you have, is not for you, as each year ticks by, it gets harder to leave. If only this has helped a little, I dont know you, but my heart goes out to you should you stay !
...............................
|
