A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok this is going to be complicated.My husband of over a year has started to act a little different. At first I found out that he likes backdoor play, and not on me on him! Then a few weeks ago he started wearing my undies, Telling me that they were morcomfortable. I thought nothing of it and let it slide. Then one day he asked me if i would like to dress him up and put makeup on it. I'm a niave teenage girl, And curiosty killed the cat. So I did. Well, I seem to have let this go a little to far because now he wants to dress like a girl all the time! Not in public but just at home. He also wants to have sex with me while wearing makeup and girl clothes. Wel, Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with race, sexuality, sex, religion, etc. I know this is probably going to sound a bit hypocritical, but what he is doing makes me SOOO uncomfortable. I tried talking to him about this, explaining that it makes me very uncomfortable, but He doesn't understand my reasons. I thought I was clear enough, but I don't think we are on the same page. I don't want this to go any further than it already has, not only becasue it makes me uncomfortable, but because we have a young daughter and I don't want her to get the wrong idea about her daddy. Any advice would be wonderful, I'm really at a loss of how to get my husband to understand!Thank you! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, xXxlexyxXx  +, writes (26 September 2017):
l think life is complicated, relationships are complicated and love is complicated. My point being, nothing is easy.... Especially crossdressing.As a crossdressing guy in my mid 20s, i don't get it.... I've spent so long trying to understand why i am the way i am, and the best i can come up with is that it triggers good feeling neurochemicals.For example, when i dress up on my own. I feel relaxed, a little vulnerable and often quite sexy depending on the outfit. I may then decide to pleasure myself but as soon as the thrill is over societies taboos kick in and i feel guilty and ashamed.... I'll put my guy clothes on....It is slightly different when i dress around my girlfriend which is rare because I only do it when she's ok with it..... To be clear, her explanation is she's doing this for me. She doesn't get anything out of it and at times she has also said it's made her uncomfortable. This upsets me and I think about stopping for the sake of her.The thing is, the whole reason it relaxes me is because i get a hit of oxytocin (self-theory). This is the love hormone in the sense, when it's in your body you are more likely to form closer bonds. It's exactly why when I'm dressed I feel closer to my girlfriend. I feel my love for her increase. I feel way more emotional, way more into cuddling and expressions of love. It even effects my preferences on what show we watch. I'll prefer romance over horror and sci-fi.It's a side of me that wouldn't exist if I wasnt crossdressed.... So I totally get someone saying, it's like there another person when they crossdress. I also have found it helps with my otherwise poor sex drive. For example in my relationship, despite her being the most beautiful and sexy girl i've ever met (i am so lucky)....... I don't always have a sex drive, especially when under life's pressure and stress. It's non existent but by crossdressing the stress declines, my need for intimacy increases and I want to be closer to her. I actually feel vulnerable and i guess i understand why. It's because it's our secret and I want her to accept me. Obviously when she does I feel great, i feel loved and i feel even more love towards her (probably because she's accepted me for who i am, even though i don't really accept myself.The worst thing is, i love her to pieces and I know deep down she would prefer I wasn't this way. Just like i would prefer to be normal as-well but I am the way i am. She loves me because I make her feel safe and loved. This is clearly because I'm a big guy but inside, i'm a softie and I want nothing more than to feel close and connected to the woman i love. So perhaps the real issue and reason men crossdress is because society says they need to be masculine... They need to be strong, the need to be tough, they need to be masculine..... And believe me, i can do this, macho man thing but in doing so, I only have stress. I can feel like i look good, but not sexy. I'm less interested in intamcy and if I was, it would be more dominate and about me rather than about pleasuring her. Hopefully somebody found this helpfullexy x
A
female
reader, ANN20 +, writes (25 June 2016):
Eight years ago i caught my husband coming down the stairs dressed as a woman . I had taken my 1 yr old to the sitter and my 4 yr old was still home . I had come back home for my gps that i needed for work. I was floored !!!! And i could not help wonder if my 4 yr old had seen him , then i heard him . I made him go 2 the basement where the laundry was & get changed before he was seen like that . I went to work and while driving i was having panic attacks , i am not sure how i made it thru my day . That night hubby said it helped him relax & that he was afraid that when he came home all his things would be out on the front porch .We talked I told him i did not want to see it & to not let kids either . we worked out private time for him . As time went on I became very depressed & had to seek help from a psychiatrist and was put on meds . I could not get over that he had kept this a secret fom me all these years and i felt betrayed .Things went along as usual until the night he tried to come to bed with a nighty on and wanted to have sex . I said no , he replied come on you know u like it .....That is the moment our sex life was over . He became quiet and distant . I asked him to please go talk to someone but he refused .He would always give me snide remarks and treat me like i had done something wrong .finally one Christmas eve after we came home from his parents I lost it . He had sat in the living room making his remarks when I decided it was time for him to listen to my feelings . I told him that i was fed up with him not talking anymore and only thinking about his need for cross dressing .I said he was being selfish and that i needed my husband and that I was being treated like I had done something wrong . I admitted that if he had told me before we got that married that I would have never married him and how could have kept a secret like that from me and that is what hurt me the worst .He made me feel like a fool for never knowing .I told him that if he is so unhappy that he needed to get some help.I had not told him that I had been seeing a psychiatrist and taking meds till that night .Then I calmly left the room .The sad thing is that he could not understand how i so missed being his wife .Things got a bit better after that , he would go off for his private time .Then he tried dressing as a woman outside wile doing yard work , neighbor friends started asking questions . I told them and they were surprised but accepted it.Me I could still not deal with it he kept pushing the envelope . The kids started asking questions and i told them as well as i could .I am a very accepting person but to me this is still a betrayal and he has no consideration for my feelings .We now sleep in different bed rooms and it is more like living with a friend . He goes out some weekends and meets friends that also cross dress and I have now been swinging for 4 yrs . I have come to realize that i deserve more from life . I long for that person that wants to be with me , I have been staying for the kids .I am his second wife , he told me that his first wife cheated on him several times . I know know the truth why she did and wish i was as strong as she was to end the marriage . He does not want to change anything , I feel like i am just his cover so no one knows about him .Nine more years till the kids both graduate high school . By then I will be 57 and have wasted all these years not feeling loved . .
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2015): You said..."...because we have a young daughter and I don't want her to get the wrong idea about her daddy."What you really mean to say is that you don't want your daughter to get the CORRECT idea about her father. You are saying you wish to hide what is actually her father and replace him with what you consider to be a "normal" father. You can do this, but don't expect it to work out better than actually letting her know her actual father.And no, your husband is not gay or even probably bi-sexual - he is a transvestite. A cross-dresser. No more, no less. He doesn't seem to understand you because he doesn't want to not be able to dress up.Your daughter will accept whatever you provide as being normal - help the world be more realistic and let her have actual reality to consider as normal - not some pre-fab 1950's ideal of normal.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jessicaday +, writes (8 November 2014):
Oh and one more important thing maybe the most important thing that I did. She felt she had to keep my secret. That was nice of her but I told her she had my blessing to tell anyone she felt comfortable telling so she would have someone to talk to about it. That helped a lot. She was able to talk through some of her issues with her 2 closest friends and though I was a little embarresed at first I got over it and it was worth it not to burden her with a secret that wasn't her secret. The only other issue we had was anytime she tried in new clothes at the store she felt like I wasn't even looking at her or thinking she was sexy I was just thinking about how I would feel wearing that. That was a big problem for me because it wasn't true and i didn't want her to feel that way. So whenever we were out and she was shopping for clothes I would tell her what I liked and specifically say I would like wearing something like this or I would tell her this would be very sexy for her or on her. Dont take the joy of women's clothes away from your wife because you want all the joy for yourself. Make sure you point out that a limited number of articles are flattering for you but much more looks amazing on her!
...............................
A
male
reader, Jessicaday +, writes (8 November 2014):
If you're looking for a way to come out about your cross dressing this is how I did it. About 3 months into our relationship we moved in together. I knew I better tell her now before she comes home one day and catches me in the act, that could only end badly. I tried to tell her for a week but I chickened out day after day. So I wore a pair of her panties to work so I would be forced to tell her on my own or face the humiliation and awkwardness of her pulling off my pants and surprise!! I regretted my decision immediatly after getting to work but thankfully it was too late. I texted her and told her we needed to talk. She called me on her lunch break and I told her sometimes when she isn't home I like to wear her panties. She was surprised but she didn't flip out and I went on to tell her I was wearing a pair right then. That opened the door to talk about it and we did over the next couple weeks. Little by little. I told her I had been wearing panties since I was 9 years old and that I had never been caught or old anyone and how good it felt to confide in her and get it off my chest. She didn't especially like it at first but she didn't hate it. She told me it did nothing for her to see me in panties but she didn't mind as long as I didn't expect her to get turned on by it. Then about a month later on Valentine's day she bought me 5 pair of sexy panties along with the candy and normal v-day gifts. I almost cried. I couldn't believe how amazing it felt to be accepted like that. That confirmed that she was being honest when she said she didn't have a problem with it and I just felt so loved and understood! Over the course of the next year I admitted that I liked to fully dress up. Dresses, nighties, make up, skirts, women's jeans, everything. I didn't wear these things around her because I was embarresed not because she didn't want me to. I wore panties to bed and to work about once a week thinking any more than that might be too much for her. Now 3 years later she gets upset with me if I don't wear panties every day. They are just my normal underwear. She lost weight so before she threw out her old clothes she asked me if I wanted any of them. She fully supports my crossdressing because I fully respect her boundaries. She hates anything with cups. So I don't wear bras or nighties with cups or anything with cups for that matter. That was the only thing that turned get off and it was a small sacrifice for me to make. She never told me not to wear cups but she didn't have to she told me she didn't like it and that's all it took. Now she goes dress shopping with me and shoe shopping with me she is very supportive. I wear girls shorts to bed most nights but other than that I only fully dress up around her once or twice a month. We were able to work it out to both of our liking because we communicated with each other. I know this was a long post but I hope somehow it helps someone who wants to come out to their significant other but doesn't know how to or needs a little encouragement. It's definately worth the risk
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): Here is your answer:
http://www.gotquestions.org/cross-dressing-transvestism.html
...............................
A
female
reader, Square +, writes (13 May 2014):
Oh dear god thank you that I found this. Last night I found a huge stash of women's clothes, underwear and other paraphernalia. I confronted my husband (of 7 years, together for 4 before we married) and he admitted that he has a 'need' to cross dress. He uses a different name to describe himself when he's dressed up and has spent god only knows how much of our money on this stuff. He's part of some online group, posted pictures of himself and engaged the services of some woman to help him 'make himself up'. After staying up until the small hours last night I've made it clear that his 'ideal' of me being actively involved in this is frankly out of the question. I'm incredibly supportive of anyone's personal lifestyle choices with many gay friends. However it's not something that appeals to me in any shape or form and I'll be damned if I'm going to make myself uncomfortable or put myself in a position where I feel so. We discussed the idea of him having some sort of alone time where we can do this. However, all the reading I've done so far seems to suggest that this simply won't be enough. I'm honest enough to admit that it's partly selfishness on my part that I don't want to lose him. I love him as much as I did when I married him. However I think I'm strong enough to put my mental well being first and will make the decision to leave if necessary. Has anyone actually managed to have a relationship and re-establish the trust whilst being completely separated from their husband or other half's cross dressing?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): I do trust him. I know he wouldn't go out and cheat with a CD or anything, it's just a fantasy he wants me to fulfill of his. He loves me too much to want to lose me. He knows if he ever cheated I'd be out the door. I watched it rip my parents apart, I won't go through it again.
I believe I have fulfilled quite a bit of his fantasies though and this is not one I want to fulfill. Sorry, I don't want to see my husband dolled up in my makeup and clothes.
Thank you for your reply! It helps to know there are other women out there dealing with this!
...............................
A
female
reader, more input +, writes (18 February 2014):
Unfortunately, I can tell you from experience that things are not going to get better in the situation if he is CDing and you are not fully supportive of this. One day you find out that he likes to wear women’s underwear, pantyhose, etc. under his ‘guy’ clothes once in awhile because it feels good, helps him to relax. You may be surprised at this but you cope with it because you love him and are committed to the relationship. Then it happens more frequently & freely… adding nighties… high-heel shoes… skirts & dresses… breast forms… taping themselves to add cleavage… make-up and wigs… etc. He tells you how much he loves you and you’re his best friend; He’s depending on you to keep his secret, to be supportive, to cover for him when you go out shopping and he picks out new bras, panties, stockings, lingerie, sexy clothes and shoes, make-up – All For Him! Role playing in the bedroom becomes more frequent and takes on a whole new twist. You may find that many of your friendships have become lacking or dried up completely because they can’t come over, they might see something embarrassing; you can’t go out for drinks or girl-talk, you might let something slip; or you just plain hate lying to people your care about. You have no one to complain to or ask for advice except God. Then you find out that he’s been searching for other CDs in the area to chat with or to meet (so much for confidentiality). You may find that in CD chat rooms he reveals personal things about you, your likes & dislikes in the bedroom; talks about fantasies he’s never told you about and making arrangements to meet and have sex with TVs. How’s your self-esteem? What are you gonna do?
Trust: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest; assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
Unless your marriage is a simple arrangement of convenience and agreed upon in advance by both parties, Trust is a key factor in the relationship. Sure, everyone has their little secrets, private fantasies, etc. but when your spouse tells you out & out lies to purposefully deceive you that trust is broken. When it happens once, you talk things through, clear the air, repent/forgive, respectively, and go on. When it happens again, you do these things again but it’s a little more difficult to trust. Each time you realize you’ve been lied to, deceived by the one you love and are committed to, trust becomes increasingly difficult, if not impossible to achieve. It’s your decision. You decide on what you can or cannot build your life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): I am going through the same issue right now and I am more confused than anything. In the beginning of our relationship he would joke around that I could paint his toes if I wanted. Wanting to be the fun girlfriend, I did it. I didn't realize what a huge turn on it was for him to paint each others toes. He admitted then that he had a foot fetish, which I was fine with. Then one time shortly after that he asked me to let him wear my underwear. I was sort of freaked out. I have nothing against drag queens, a good friend of mine is one. But this was my boyfriend. I didn't want him to wear my underwear, I wanted a manly man. I just decided to ignore it. 5 years later and we're married now and I was on his YouTube the other day and I noticed he was looking up woman dressing their husbands us as a woman and men getting makeup put on and pedicures. I am open minded about everything, I am just trying to work through this and figure it out. I can't turn to any of my friends for advice. I am just looking for more women to talk to about this, like a support system.
...............................
A
female
reader, Syrynyty +, writes (13 September 2013):
OMG REALLY!!!!!! I know that most of these responses are several years old but it pisses me off to no end about how closed minded people can be. I have been with my fiancé almost three years and tho he hasn't told me that he cross dresses I know he does. And of course like one of the ladies said about her husband watching shemale porn that's how it started out with mine. I have absolutely no problem with my man fem dressing. And I won't mention it until he is ready to tell me. But seriously you women are getting mad at your men because they OMITTED some things before u got married is completely outrageous. First of all that's why u shouldn't get married three months into the relationship. You have to live with a person for a while before you can truly get to know them. If this came at a surprise to any of you then you only have yourselves to blame. And if it makes you uncomfortable then you should have been paying more attention and not married the guy. If a guy wants to keep cross dressing as a secret it's not that big of a deal. If he isn't cheating on you, hurting you, or hurting himself let him have this one thing to himself. I am sure every single one of you ladies have secretly masturbated in the middle of the day when he isn't there and if you say no you are a liar. BIG KUDOS to all the guys that are comfortable wearing ladies clothes!!!!!!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): OMG this just ticks me off to no end. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. BEFORE we got married I asked him every question their is.. and he lied to me. Now he is wearing womens underwear, tights under his pants, painting his toenails and is telling me to dominate him in the bedroom. NO! I want a real man, on the inside and the outside. Why spring this crap on us after we are married??? Ugh, I feel so sorry for all the women who are wasting their lives with a fake when they can be with the man of their dreams.. because I am 100% sure this is not what they signed up for.
...............................
A
female
reader, not happy at all +, writes (2 February 2013):
Amazed at"Cindy's" responce I never even thought about worrying my husband would look better than me....Obviously, he hasn't a clue how women feel about their husband/boyfriend cross dressing. My husband changes his entire look. Shaved his entire body, including the mustach, grew his hair long and and just out of the blue told me about this desire to wear womens cloths and started acting very feminine.....a man that would NEVER wipe the table, run the vacume...do anything at all in the house, started to wash dishes and take out the garbage...(don't misunderstand -that's the good change) He also want's me to put make up on him and have sex while dressed as a woman....I DON'T WANT OT HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN!! I want my husband back. He has always beeen my rock, but now he wants to go to gay bars and drag bar - with me......this really confusses me cause he says he's not gay.....he says he is really into me.....he is always wanting kinky sex and if I'm not all eager everytime, he gets upset. SO YES, IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM....NOT ABOUT ME AT ALL! We've been married 18 yrs and he told me about 2 months ago. I tried to understand, but I ended up leaving cause he came on way too strong, but he told me if I would just let him wear high heels when we have sex, that's all he needed. He was my best friend and i love him so I came back and already he is pushing me to let him wear womans cloths and put make up on him...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): I too have been dealing with this issue with my husband for 2 yrs. I am embarrassed, just the other day we went shopping because I needed a purse and he was touching everything trying on shoes not caring about the tears that were falling down my face. UGH!!!!! He told me with or without me he is gonna look at the womans things. We have four kids and are in love but I am not number one any longer, to him. He just told me that all he thinks about is cross dressing. I remember a time when I was all he thought about. And our sex life is dying as well. I need some help.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cam2  +, writes (13 November 2011):
Here's my take on CDing...or at least on my CDing. I'm a 55 year old, now divorced crossdresser. Sex with my ex and CDing were substitutes. I'm a very sexual and energetic person, who is attracted to all aspects of feminine beauty and attire. She was a beautiful, sexy blond with whom sex was great.....but never enough. OK I realize I'm immature. So when she wasn't willing or available, I recreated her (convincingly), and masterbated in front of a mirror. For me it was all sexual. I had no desire to be dressed otherwise. After five years of marriage, she found out. I openly discussed my fetish with her. She accepted it.......we had two more kids. She wanted no part of it however....which was OK because in actual fact it was a substitute for her.
Then 10 years ago, her lifelomg depression caught up with her (I suspect schizophrenia), and she had a major crisis in her life.....her life was a lie....she didn't want kids.....etc. She also had an affair with an ex-flame. Etc. She lost interest in sex, saying it was her not me! So I turned to her substitute. To make a long story short, she found out......and she decided to leave. Which for some reason, didn't bother me. I was to blame...not her depression! While I may have been a contributing factor to her depression, I found it hypocritical on her part to invoke my CDing as the reason. I realize now that I am happier today as a result.
I still crossdress today, but as a substitute. Will I stop.....perhaps if I meet someone better than my alter-ego....but at my age, I doubt it. Could I give it up? Perhaps I'm fooling myself, but if the right woman....very sexy and very happy.....came along, I can see myself suspending my fetish....perhaps forever!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): Mmmm where to start, all right here goes, my wife and I were into bondage long before she found out I cross-dressed (by accident) as she came home from a bus trip and found me chained up in the den totally dressed.After laughing her ass off she left me to get a drink and returned and demanded an explination and I told her about my secret.Long story short, after a long 6 month discussion period it was decided she would go along with it as long as it was in the PRIVACY of our home.We ( she) actually decided she would Dom and I dressed fem would do ALL the chores.Lasted 10 awesome years until our beautiful twin girls were born and it all came to a (sad) end
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): my husband decided that if I was not going to accept his sex games of bondage and crossdressing then he would not have sex with me.....thats the rejection most wives of crossdressers have to deal with...hence I have left him.(but I waited until my children were old enough). One of my daughters has caught him several times in his lingerie, and he made her promise not to tell anyone...imagine putting that stress on a child...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
...............................
A
male
reader, Dandyman +, writes (12 February 2011):
Your husband's habits are his choice and they affect you and your family. You are not responsible for his actions, he is. You feel uncomfortable with his actions and that is a clue that there is something wrong with them. He is not choosing to love you. Love is an action word - it means to put somebody else's needs above your own. If you had a habit of using stimulant drugs to make you "happy" but they damaged your heart every time you used them, would your husband love you if he indulged your habit by buying you more drugs? Every time you indulge his habit you damage his heart because he is not learning to love others more than himself. Please be firm with him and let him know you love him but not his habit and tell him that he can become a better person by sacrificing something he holds dear for you. Give him space to make his choice and encourage any signs he gives that he wants to change. He can do it. I have struggled with this for years now. I have my good days and my bad days but I keep on trying because I love my wife and my son more than I do that side of me. He can do the same if he chooses to. Families are the greatest source of joy and also the greatest source of distress and sorrow. May you find the courage and strength of heart to take both and grow stronger from the good and the bad.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): I feel so bad for the young woman who originally posted her question. It's been several years now. I hope she was able to come to a resolution that worked for her.I've crossdressed since I was 6 years old. I had periods where I stopped for a while but always came back to it. When I was younger there was more of a sexual component to it. I would become very aroused. However, now that I'm older (I'mr 57) the sexual component has lessened considerably. It just feels good some how. I don't know how to explain it.My wife and I have been married for over 29 years. I did not tell her about my crossdressing before we got married because I knew that once we married, I wouldn't want or need to crossdress any more. For about a year, that was true. Then the need came back.After several years, I gradually revealed my wanting to crossdress. To my relief, although she wasn't happy about it, she was somewhat accepting. She let me dress up once in a while and was very patient with me. After all those years of hiding my secret, to have the person I loved most in the world accept me was the most wonderful thing I could imagine. A huge weight was lifted from me.But, as others have said, we crossdressers can be selfish and self-centered. Instead of realizing what a wonderful situation I was in, I started dressing more and more. The more I dressed, the more my wife began to resent it. I really think if I had taken things more slowly and tried to understand her feelings, things would have been so much different.As it was, she began to resent how much I wanted to dress up. Things got strained. I've tried to stop several times but I just can't. As others have mentioned, especially when you're stressed, the need becomes stronger.I wish we could work out this problem. We've been through a lot together and I love and admire my wife very much. But this stands between us. I know I resent her refusing to accept my needs and she thinks I'm very selfish because I'm not accepting hers.I don't have any answers. I just send best wishes to all those who crossdress and those who love them. Accept and love each other, but be true to what you believe to be right for yourself. As much as I love my wife, it may have been better if we had separated years ago instead of having to go through hurting each other, even though it's unintentional.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): We are in the same boat. My husband of 17 years has been dressing since before we married. I didnt think much of it 19 or so years ago when it was minor and more of a naughty fettish of sorts, but now......
Over the past 10 years, it had gotten crazy out of control!!
It has progressed to a point of nearly an entire wardrobe of ladies clothing, most can pass as either gender, but I still know. He goes bra shopping and gets fitted alone. If he isnt working, he is always in bra and panties and on days off, he wears girly frilly things untill the kids come home from school. He really goes for the gusto when he is in the house alone so I know there is alot he is still hiding from me. His fav gifts are makeup and girly clothes. I havent brought myself to break down and truly tell him everything and tho the extent that this bothers me. I hate that I need and the kids need to knock on the bedroom door before entering. (yes, cetain times of course but every waking min he is home is another story). I guess I am a bit of a coward in not mentioning it but there is never an opportune time. Do it while I reject sexual interest would make him sad, rejected, selfconsious, and just pittyful. He can be very sissy and needy. If I do it at an angry time, it makes it in spite and out of anger and I really think I would go a bit over the top at this stage. Can I bring it up out of the blue, I dont know. I think I may be at the breaking point but dont know when it's a deal breaker. I hate to be the person not accepting of the way another person is, it would be the same as he not wanting me because I am over weight, or any other superficial reason. I am at the point that there is no intimacy on my part, it is more "ok get it over". No interest at all in sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, aint_so_sure +, writes (27 August 2010):
Some of you women need to get over yourselves, this is not just about you. I have been wearing lingerie since I was about 5 and have been doing this for about 35 years. My wife of several years found my stash several years ago and when I explained to her that dressing in lingerie made me feel good, she was very supportive since she loves me. You have not been "cheated" , often in life peoples views change (politics, likes, dislikes) . You expect us to be tolerant over what makes you happy but not the other way around. If you don't like your husband to "wear" in the bedroom that is up to you, however if he is not causing you or your family embarrassment, what is he hurting? I do not feel "cheated" when my wife wears pants (I don't like) to work about 3 days a week even though she wore dresses and skirts more often than not when we were
married. I also do not insinuate that she is gay when she wears pants or even my boxer shorts around the house. If you can't handle the enjoyment of your spouse maybe you should examine what is wrong with you and stop being so self centered. This is not about being gay or wanting to be gay it is about feeling good. Would you prefer a drug or alcohol problem? Lighten up, life is too short to worry about what kind of underwear someone like. Just saying...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): I know exactly what you mean! I have been married for 6 years now and in the 5th year I found out my husband is a cross dresser. He knew along but told me he didnt want to tell me because he knew I wouldnt have married him. First off that took a privelage away from me. I should have been able to decide for myself. He also wants to have sex with me dressed this way. I have found that I have to put my foot down with that. I tell him that I just cant accept it right now and if he wants me to respect him, he needs to respect me and my wishes. Don't force yourself to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. You'll regret it and then it will give you bad feelings towards him. My husband started off the same as yours did. The backdoor play, the undies, the excuses. Unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do about this. He will continue to do this and if you make him stop, he will harbor bad feelings and eventually it will all come out but in an extreme case. If you decide to force yourself to accept it, the same thing will happen. There is a book out there called, "My Husband Wears My Clothes". Maybe it can help explain why some people do it. After reading it though I still could not accept it. I feel my husband does it for the pure sexual feelings he gets. He denies this but I everytime he has done it he has always had to take care of things. Now he just sees another woman to fulfill his fantasies. One thing we have done is when he needs to dress like that he tells me and I let him have time in the bedroom for a while untill he gets it out of his system. I dont have to see it and niegther does our daughter. I know this isnt much help but take my advice, dont do something that is going to make you feel wrong. He's a big boy and he can take care of himself.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Why is it that "some" women seem soooo threatened by their spouses "dressing" up?? Is it that they are afraid guys will soon look better than them?? It is unfair for women to constantly strive to achieve stereotypical men's roles, but then they don't want to give up some of their territory. (pretty things) It is a deep desire of all humans to be desirable! Too many women are narrow minded about "cross-dressing". If women would just give-in like men have in the past, it would be a much happier earth. I would love to wear nylons under my "Lady-Levis" and strut my pretty rear around the stores. I am predisposed, so herbal supplements quickly gave me a c+ cup. My wife will, on occasion, give-in and take the dominant role. She is always breathless when we finish too (In a good way). I would love for her to give me a feminine makeover some day, from head to toe! The thought of it arouses me greatly! Who "invented" the dress code anyway? Sincerely "Cindy"
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): i am a cross-dresser myself. i had just found out this past year. i had told my now ex girlfriend a year into our relationship. she was accepting of it right away and loved seeing me in female clothing. i never went all out. but it is always best to be honest with your partner as soon as you know!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): I am also married to a crossdresser for the last 7 years. Sometimes was OK with it and other times I had difficulty with it. The most important thing he did was he told me about this desire at the very beginning of our relationship after we meet and I helped him basically over the years by getting him clothes or a least some of the things he was interested in, mostly smooth, silky, satin type fabrics etc. He's not an extreme crossdresser but he does have the desire to do this at different times and it is something that won't go away. I love my husband so much he is the best person I have ever been with - he's understanding, loving, loyal & shares everything me. Its part of who he is, we don't always understand the nature of our behaviors in life especially when society doesn't accept those behaviours. But he would never hurt anyone intentionally I love him for the great qualities he has a person, unconditionally. I think it is something that has to be out in the open honestly at the beginning so you know where you stand. Lies and deception only cause emotional damage and hurt for everyone involved. Hope this helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): for me it seems to be about the clothes, i indulde in both cross dressing and self bondage, these are things that i know my wife would never do to me, so it is more about living out my fantasy whenever i get the chance to.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): It is nice see that i was not the only wife that has gone through the lies and deception of a cross dresser. My story started after my husband and i had been married for about 6 yrs when i was going through my computer and i found that my husband had looked at numerous sights of shemales and transvetites. When i first asked him about it he denied it and i then showed him the computer with all the pictures on it and then and only then did he finally say he did look at it but only ran across them by mistake and then was curious about it. I eventually let it go and decided to believe him it was only about a year or so later that i was going through the computer and again found pictures of shemales and transvestites i asked him why he was looking at them again and he said the only reason he was looking at them was because he had a fetish with anal sex and those sights were the easiest to find on the net about it. I told him that it made me uncomfortable that he looked at those type of porn sites and i knew in my gut something wasn't right. Well I was right after about 3 yrs had gone by i had been videoing my kids and when my husband got home from work i wanted to show him the video of the kids. when we sat down i went to rewind the video and what i saw next made me sick to my stomach it was my husband in full dress wearing my nicest dress and shoes. He instantly snatched up the camera and ripped out the dvd and broke it. I asked him what was going on he said he did it because we hadn't been having much sex and when he put on my clothes it helped him to masturbate and relieve stress from home and work. Well i just didn't believe this story because of the all the sites that he had looked at before so i demanded the truth that i deserved it after all these years and all he could tell me was at first he did question his sexuality and that he truley believed he was not gay and didn't know why he did it and kept promising that he had never done it before or will do it again that it was all from stress. Well the next few days went by believing of course that maybe he was telling the truth that he had never done this before, when one of my children said are you mad mommy because daddy was wearing your bra's again. I asked her if she had seen him wearing my clothes and she told me she seen him wearing my bra's. That was the end for me i knew that all those years were a lie and i knew i could never trust him again. Its only been about 6 mnths since all this has happened and i still to this day don't know if my husband is potentially gay and in denial, how long he had been doing it before we were even married or if he could ever really stop. These questions could never be answered by him and because of that i will never take him back. All i've ever wanted in a marriage is trust and no person should have to live a life of lies and deception you should know your spouses bad side and good sides when you decieve a person and not let them know everything about you well I feel it is the worst deseption in life there is. I wish ever wife out there that might read this that you are not alone and although you never thought something like this could happen to you, IT DID ! but stay strong learn from it and hope it makes you stronger. God Bless
...............................
A
male
reader, Dickwest +, writes (28 September 2009):
I have been dressing for some 60 years married twice and enjoyed the company of many women while not married My advice is read up on the subject have a chat with your husband and then decide if you too can enjoy his hobby I do not mean accept I mean enjoy If you cannot enjoy by all means stay friends but let him go As there are plenty of women who will accept him for what he is both you and him will be able to move on and find happiness elsewhere
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): I have the same problem with my husband of nearly one year.the thing is i love him, i just hate the crossdressing,yet i can not make it go away,and i dont wanto lose him.so here r my choices :find ways to deal with it, or divorce him.its part of who he is to be a crossdresser, so i am going all over the net doing home work on the subject, getting to know 'why? A little bit better. He has tried to stop really he has (we had huge ugly fights on this subject) but it always comes back,Do resurch,it helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, pauly +, writes (7 August 2009):
I am heterosexual. I also enjoy crossdressing. I also enjoy anal sex, giving it and receiving it by women.
First, the anal sex is of course very taboo. Many men enjoy giving it to women, right? Well, why wouldn't it be enjoyable to receive it? Both men and women share the capacity for extreme pleasure down there, so why not? Also, I enjoy the role of it. I like to dominate and to be dominated, experimentation that is totally natural and healthy for a long term relationship. If you don't like it then find something else. If that's the case, let him do it by himself, doesn't the thought of him masturbating any which way get you all hot and bothered? He's almost definitely thinking about you.
My experiences crossdressing have a lot to do with fantasy and costume. There is an almost mystical appeal to the garments; however, It is important for me to explore a variety of sexual curiosities, from bondage to role play, to dress up, to toys, and my favorite...naked time. The feminine gender role is so addictive in its sensuousness, so it is also very important for me to dress well as a man. Crossdressers tend to have really hot dresses and lingerie, but their masculine garb is totally shameful. Blend the difference by indulging in nice clothing with sensuous fabrics and quality design. Sexiness is a huge part of it, and it should be O:K to go out feeling sexy as a man. But that of course touches on a tired issue, the fear of even looking homosexual.
He is not going to give it up, that's true. Why should he? Is it morally wrong? Who does it hurt? If it is a sexual act, then it might be best kept in doors. You don't share most sexual displays with your children, so classify this thing instead of living in discomfort because of a lack of boundaries. But going out en femme can be like foreplay the way the fabrics move across the body. I imagine women enjoy those sensations as well. On a different note, some crossdressers find comfort and identity in the full deal more than seual relief, and then live that way. This is very obviously something that may progress into a blatantly alternative lifestyle, think Drew Carey show, his brother was a big ol' crossdresser that went to work in a dress, and he married the clown lady:)
My girlfriend of 4 years recently split with me. We had difficulties in a few areas. She was the first person i had ever discussed this with after 27 years, so you can imagine the anxiety involved in that. I could lose everything. She was supportive at first, but in reality she was greatly turned off sexually by me after the first time seeing me in full dress. Our sex life declined for two years and that created more stress. I assumed that it was my problem, but unfortunately we were not as sexually compatible as I initially thought. She always wanted to be dominated and had a very very specific idea of what sex ought to be. I tend to think that is pretty boring and unsustainable.
Alright, finally, who is to say you are supposed to know every little detail about your partner right away. A relationship is a learning process, same with marriage. I would not tell a girlfriend of a couple months about my very private life because that information could be devastating to me in many ways, maybe violently, if the wrong people had it. These are valid concerns. Create an environment of honesty rather than of guilt and blame. That has been the case all his life. I understand this is shocking, but doesn't he deserve a little sympathy.
Good Luck. Classify and define boundaries. Enjoy your new found honesty and sexuality. Dress him sexy as a man and blur the gender roles. Realize your own fantasies. Teach your children to be tolerant and open minded.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): honestly i dont know what to say except it sounds exactly like my husband every word an i too searched for answers and i found out why i was so uncomfterble becuse with out realizing it he takes away your feminineity (if thats spelled right) and you go through emotions like he knows your un comfterble so why cant he stop or why hide it becuse you disagree? my husband did it when i wasnt home in front of the kids and know my son is doing it at 3 yrs old. it may be ok behined closed doors between u to but put strict bounderies u dont want it around the kids. my husband turned out to have a lot more behined it im not saying your does but he sounds an awful lot like mine finaly he confessed he wanted to be a female. and he was gay then he would change his mind i dont think they know what it is it leaves u both hanging and it hurts you just have to figure out if u want to hang in there or not me n my husband diddnt work becuse he kept lying to me and i belive but cant prove he touched the kids i never thought he would but if he is capable of lying about one thing what else can he do? like i said may not be the same case but i say talk to him you meet him in the middle so r u good enough for him to meet you in the middle?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): hay guys.to start with im a not gay ,and being a cross dresser dosent make a man gay. ,read just about any book about intamisy and you will find lots of guys like back door play that allso dosent make you gay unless you are attracted to men.I am a cross dresser and my wife understandably finds it hard to deal with .I dont personaly want to look like or be a woman i just like wearing the cloaths.though im not in to the make up and shose. http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/index.php (NON SEXUAL SITE) .I FEEL VERY BAD FOR MY WIFE BECAUSE I KNOW she didnt seign up so to speek for a cross dresser .LOOK i felt drawn to it all my life ,and felt ashamed depressed and finaly suecidle because of it, as a child these no support in schools or in the home that tells you its ok to be difrent or that YOU may be diffrent .so i denied that part of me hoping it would go away, it never did and it nearly killed me inside and out ignoring it. i was(still)- married 14 when i stoped denying that part of me.married now 17 years . Im not the man i expected to be in life.BUT BY ALL ACCOUNTS IM A GOOD FATHER AND A GOOD PERSON so my wife and famlie tell me. but i would understand if my wife left me .she tells me she loves me but i feel if we didnt have a young child she would have left me.If you feel you cant come to an arrangemen with your husband i feel you should move on .to the lady that sed her husband is 51 and stoped ,he may be dying inside while he is trying to please YOU or he is hiding it from you dont blame him ,fear of loosing you will be his motive the fact that you sed you are proud of him for stoppin is sad . your brain is wired the way it is. this is no real answer
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): I married my ex husband almost ten years ago. He who is now legally a she did not tell me he was transitioning until 8 years later. I was 2 months pregnant and my mom was dying-great timing. I feel like if this is who he is than why the marriage to me and bringing a child into this world. I do not accept nor believe in this transition. We are now legally divorced and fought a battle over our daughter(whom I want the best interest for)and basically the legal system sucks. Here is my problem-the deception is awful and I dont care what people do in there life but when they take innocent people and decieve them for there own benefit-well that sucks. My suggestion is to be who you are but dont pull the wool over unsuspecting eyes-because it has bad results(it always does) I am very bitter and for the deception he/she put me through-I dont think he/she should have any rights toward my daughter.....
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): Hi my name is branden I happen to go to this website to look for answers for my questions but insteed I ran in to your intrey you posted on this website. By reading your storie I would tell you as a gay man that sees and knows a lot of people that are very what I like to call fem's. I can tell you YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY WOMEN THAT'S GOING THROUGH THIS!!!!!!!!!! SEE this is what I think. Your husband probably loves you more than you can even imagine. BUT there is a big chance that your husband can be gay and very self conscience of it. And feels more comfortable acting and living as a women at home and going out as a man. There's nothing wrong with that. But if you don't feel comfertable right now with it imagine what's going to happen in the future when he or if ever starts to wear dresses. OH P.S. Not to be mean but The anal sex thing is a BIG GIVE A WAY. You should ask him has he ever slept with a man and would you ever. But as his wife say it in a nursing soothing way.Luv
...............................
A
male
reader, Tammy26 +, writes (15 June 2008):
I am crossdresser I am married and in the closet. I would love to come out but my wife does not agree with this. I have made comments about it. We are not sick and if dressing makes us look out of the ordinary, think of this.Women today wear flat shoes like men, they wear pants like men, shirts and even ties.Today's woman looks more like a man then we do. Why then is it wrong for me to wear their stuff? Why can't we enjoy it BOTH ways? I am hetrosexual inside and love sex with women, just love the extra. How about live and let live.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): I feel so bad for both of you.
Of course, he should have told you about this before you got married. He should have told you as soon as it looked like things were getting serious. My guess is he thought that he could just give it up. He was able to do that for a while, but then he felt he had to dress. He was afraid that if he told you, he would have lost you and he really thought he was done with it.
I know that's my story. I didn't mean to deceive my wife. I thought it just wasn't going to be an issue once we got married. I was wrong.
Although I saw one person post here that her boyfriend was able to give it up, I bet he really hasn't and is still dressing secretly. Even if he did give up crossdressing, he's in the minority. Most will never give it up.
So, you need to make some decisions. Is this something you can live with? In many ways, the crossdressing itself is pretty harmless. It's the lies the crossdresser tells himself and others that's really bad. The lies will hurt you worse than his dressing.
If you don't think you can live with this, please give it a bit more time and see if you can. But you should be honest with each other and set appropriate boundaries you both can live with. If you can't accept each other and work through this, then break up before this goes on much longer.
I wish you both the best. I think it's very possible to be happily married to a crossdresser but you also have the right to not be married to a crossdresser. It really is up to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, georgia rose  +, writes (14 June 2008):
I would be concerned about his sexaul habits not his crossdressing. As a male who has come to crossdressing late in life, I'm 59, crossdressing has little to do with sexuality but more to do with expressing your own self. I've found that as long as you are open about it with your partner and they are sufficently broadminded you can actually expand your relationship. I'm sitting her writing this whilst my wife is on her computer about 5 feet away (in the same room) doing her thing about real estate. I'm fully dressed as a woman and she has been very supportive since I fessed up about what I like to do. As a crossdresser you need to be comfortable with yourself. If you feel guilt get out of it. I think you have a choice; either tell him you can't handle it or accept him for what he is. As long as it is not kinky it should be ok. If he loves you he will follow what you want. If he is not prepared to do so your relationship is probably rocky anyway.
Just remember you can't change someone from what they really are.
From a personal perspective, I find I'm much more appreciative of my wife and our relationship which is much stronger since I've let the feminime side of me take a more prominent part of my life. I've found I understand her point of view etc a lot more than I did being the macho male we are all brought up to be.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Oh my gosh I know what you mean. I've been married now for 10 years (together for 18) and many years ago we 'had a bit of fun' he asked me to dress him and make him up. We'd had some wine so it didn't feel funny at the time. He kept on talking about it so I went shopping for shoes (that's his fetish) etc; secretly hoping it would 'go away' and it did for a while.We now have an 18 month old baby, and since our baby's birth I/We've been too tired or not had adequate contraception so we've abstained for the most part. I found out recently that he's been having 'cyber sex' with an ex. He's told her about his 'alter ego' and she has indulged him.. (I wasn't suspicious or prying I just received texts from him that were meant for her when he'd had a few glasses of wine). I feel like I've married the wrong man. If anybody out there feels the same then please offer some advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): My husband dresses up for sexual gratification only, sometimes it's ok but sometimes I wish he just had sex "normally" like a man.. but makes me wonder if he "can't get it up" without wearing thigh boots and stockings....
Ontario Canada
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): I am a wife of a cross dresser and it is very hard for them to come out but it dosent mean they are gay or dont love you I acceopt it shop for him and help w/ his makeup ect We raised kids that are now grown and only 1 knows but because we knew he would be accepting and my husband is very discreet I find that my husband respects and loves me for allowing him to be himself he thanks me for this I know all the feelings that go w/ believe me Ive had them all Im very open minded that helps try reading my husband beatty by helen boyd it will help and you will relate I love my husband and accept him for who he is Its not always easy but if you cant accept that part of him it will eventually ruin your marriage Im trying to find wives like me but many are hurt & angry I just want him to be happy you just have to look in you heart and find a boundry that you can both live w/ its not easy good luck and know youre not alone there are a lot of us
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): We have no control over how we are wired, we are all individuals but at the same time we can be catagorised and put into groups.
Hetero, bi, gay, effeminate gay, butch-macho gay, straight acting gay, openly gay, gentle male, aggressive male, lover of large ladies, thin ladies , ampetees,
ethnic ladies, older ladies, younger ladies, paedo, animals, solo, pairs, groups,
sado, maso and on and on and on.......
You have to try and discover, either for yourself or for your partner, where in the this great big cake thats sliced up into so many pieces, do you fit in.
When you know this, you will find contentment, and you will either still be together or grazing in pastures new.
Good luck, and may I wish you harmony in your life.l
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): My husband didn't really he was into dressing up like a woman til after the ring was on my finger. He wanted to put make-up and dress up eachother right before sex. This really turned me off, but because I knew I'd have my husband back when the clothes were off, I went along. I was a hefty 214 pounds and he still made love to me at this weight. I suggested he not dress up as a woman each and every time, and he cut me off completely. I was all of the sudden "too fat" for him. I saw this as an excuse he couldn't enjoy sex with me unless he was in full drag. He brought my self-esteem to an all time low using my weight as an excuse. If his cross-dressing makes you uncomfortable, you have every reason to feel so, especially if you were told after the ring was on your finger. It has been a decade since any intimacy has been exchanged, and I resent him for making me feel so bad about myself. I know this isnt exactly a good answer, but it doesn't get any easier to accept, especially if you were deceived!!!!!!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ariel32 +, writes (22 April 2008):
This will not change, he will be a crossdresser forever. You have to decide if this is something you can accept or not I'm afraid. I left my husband and we are divorced now but not only because of the crossdressing because of all the lies surrounding it. I asked him numerous times to stop and he promised he had. I hated it, it make me insecure and not attracted to him and he knew that. So he did it behind my back and lied to me for years. After we split up he said he didn't have the urge to do it anymore, so I figured it was me, that his stress was caused by me and that's why he kept doing it to relive his stress. I was so angry as he'd started dating someone knew and it was getting serious and he still hadn't told her about his other lifestyle. He told me he was done with crossdressing so why tell her. I was so bitter because that's all I'd ever wanted was for him to stop in our relationship. This lasted about 2 months, then he was back at it again, he finally told her and I guess she's ok with it except that she gets jealous that he looks better as a women then her. There are so many sites that help the woman except it but there are few that tell them to run for the hills. Every single one of my friends that I've confided in say they know they could never handle having a relationship like that, and that's about 20 women or so that I know. Don't beat yourself up over this, it's not a hypocritical thing, you either are attracted to men or women, it's hard wired into you and when you are attracted to men only then your man turns out to be a women, it's not what you signed up for, so cut yourself some slack. If I've learned anything from my 14 years with my ex husband it's that it will never change and unfortuantley it'll get stronger as time goes by, he'll get more and more adventureous with is and his urges to do it will get stronger and more often. If you can't handle it now, you'll never be able to handle it in the future I don't believe. If you can accept it then great you are one of the precious few but the majority can't and if you're one of those people that can't, then so be it, don't beat yourself up for not being attracted to him dressed as a woman, it's human nature and nothing you should feel bad about.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): My boyfriend and I dated for a couple months, and on the night after we first slept together, he told me he was a crossdresser. I wasn't happy, I felt lied to and deceived. Imagine how I felt when he told me that when he was younger he used to masterbate while wearing his mother's clothing. We moved in together a couple years later only after he decided he would stop crossdressing and threw everything out (I never asked him to do this, he did it on his own). Don't believe all the crap you read on the internet that they can't stop crossdressing. My boyfriend is 51 years old and finally realized he's lived in a Peter Pan world his entire crossdressing life. I'm proud of him for realizing he needed to give up this fantasy life if he ever wanted a real life (whether it was with me or anyone else). He's gone 4 1/2 years without crossdressing. It's a mental addiction and nothing more. Don't believe the hype.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Hello,I too, not too long ago I told my wife about my crossdressing things. After she finished laughing, she told me that she doesn't care and that she accepts me the way I am. but she told me that she is very incomfortable with that, the entire idea sounds gay for her. I don't dress up complete yet, I would like to do that but not in front of my wife as I'm so ashamed of doing this. So far she accepts that I wear some of her Underwears. I don't know how this will be later as also we have a daughter and neither my wife nor me want her to be affected with this.Society set us standards of what is normal whats not and who ever is not following that standard is judged abnormal and rejected.As for your husband you should sit and make him clearly understand that this makes you uncomfortable and set some agreements (ex. he can dress up but not in your presence)You also so should learn a lot about men who crossdress and what makes them do that is it a disorder or not, etc... by learning a lot about this subject, it will give you tips about how to deal with that over your life.I'm also still looking for answers because it's something hard to cope with.good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): (To Married 30 years) I'm very sorry for your loss.
After 10 years of marriage I finally felt comfortable enough to open up with my Wife. I never discussed it before we married - I thought it was an 'urge' that I had control over and decided that I would never engage in that behavior again - I felt it would be hurtful to my Wife and I felt my behavior to be self-centered and indulgent. I don't believe it is purely an issue of honesty; it is also an issue of shame (most of us were brought up to believe this is wrong) and fear (of our spouses rejection).
As with some other comments, I too like the notion of 'role-reversal' - but it is still my Wife that I am loving, and not a gay or bi fantasy.
You state that you discovered receipts and confronted him, and that this happened around the time your Daughter died; although the timing couldn't have been worse, perhaps you might extend him just a bit of credit for being 'honest when confronted', stop being prejudicial and COMMUNICATE with him for a change.
Your feelings are shattered, he is now completely vulnerable - maybe after 30 years the 2 of you can learn to love unconditionally and honestly -AND- respect each others' feelings and needs; perhaps if you don't want to be a part of his activity, you could give him some time and space to do so, so he doesn't need to HIDE from you. Who knows - you might even grow closer after the initial shock wears off.
It sounds like there are 2 damaged people who happen to be married - the healthiest marriages I have seen are the ones where problems are shared and solved together - they don't belong to just 1 spouse.
Good Luck - D
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): hello there i am a male and i feel the same way as youe husband, i am also to married. I know it different from what you are use to but it just gives great feeling to male.
if you want leave me your email and i can talk to you more about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): To find out that your husband enjoys dressing as a woman can come as a shock! I was only married for a short time when I found out that my husband was "dressing up" in my lingere. When I confronted him I was angry and told him that I wanted no part of this. Well as time when on it began again (or never stopped) I decided that I was not going to let this side on him ruin our marriage. At first I was not sure how to handle this but I had him "dress up" for me an was surprised that I was turned on by this. I am not bi but the total and complete honesty and trust that he had with me made me want him even more. We now both enjoy this side of our relationship. I shop for clothes for us and help with makeup. This our complete "private" time, no one will ever know anything about this except for us. And it has brought a spark to our relationship that over the last 20 years had begun to fade. I am glad that we trust one another enough to enjoy this part of our relationship completly. Our sex life has never been better. The best advice that I can give is be totally and completly open and honest with one another, do not do anything that you are uncomfortable with, but also know that even though you may find it weird now, it could grow on you. Best of Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): I can relate. I have been married for 30 years. About five years ago, I found a receipt for a leather skirt and high heals. My husband had had affairs before with women, so I went after him. He told me the things he bought were for him. He then showed me a wig, and all sorts of other things. He too wanted me to get physical with him dressed up. I am not attracted to women in that way, and I can't get excited about him anymore. He doesn't seem to care what affect it has on me. By the way, this also happened when our 18 year old daughter passed away from cancer. I feel so betrayed. He has apparently had feelings all his life. Why can't these people be honest from the start. I feel like an idiot.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): My husband also cross-dresses. I've learned a great many things about it over the years. Here are the most important ones for a wife at your "stage of the game:"
-It's *very* unlikely that your husband is gay.
-He has been cross-dressing for a long time; perhaps since early childhood.
-Cross-dressers cannot just stop cross-dressing. They sometimes convince themselves that they can, and get rid of all the female trappings they have (unless he's using yours exclusively). This process is called "purging." It's common.
-His behavior when you appeared to be okay with his activities is also common. His quick escalation to make-up and full dress is a reaction to being let out of the closet. He has convinced himself that you are supportive because he needs to believe that.
-Cross-dressers are notoriously self-centered. It likely thrills him to bring you into this in a sexual way, but it's not about you. If you decide that you don't want to cooperate in the new sexual scenario, it won't stop him from doing it privately, and you are likely to find physical evidence of that as time goes by.
-If he ever tells you that he will stop (usually as a response to your demand), be aware that it will be extremely difficult for him, if not impossible. One of the reasons for cross-dressing is stress relief. The stress will find its way out in other ways--before he gives in to the need to dress again. By dressing as a woman, he enters what he thinks is an easier world (!?!). He sees a woman's life as sweet and taken-care-of and, well, easier than that of the "responsible" male he thinks he's supposed to be. (BTW, revealing his secret soon after your baby is born is also common, but I never figured out why that would be.)
-If you decide to stay with him, it will probably take you years to explain why you are so uncomfortable--even to yourself.
-His cross-dressing has little to do with you, in the sense that you will never be able to truly know what he feels like.
-Some men come out to their children, some don't. As parents, you both are responsible for your daughter's well-being. Which one of you is worried about that?
-As far as I can tell, gradual escalation of his need to appear female is inevitable. If he's not interested in transitioning to become female with hormones, etc., then there will likely be breast forms, wigs, waxing, etc. And eventual public appearances might also be in your future.
-As he ages, the sexual component of dressing often recedes, but the desire to dress often doesn't. You really are going to deal with this until old age.
-As I see it, the only positive response available to you is acceptance. You will find that there are even support groups for wives of cross-dressers. There are wives that enthusiastically support their CDing husbands; they shop with him and enjoy having him as a "girlfriend." They learn to separate the areas of their life together and have rules for when and where he can dress. They go to conventions where the men publicly dress as women and their wives are present.
Most importantly, you have the absolute right to every negative reaction you're having.
He removed your choice in the matter by not telling you he was a cross-dresser before marriage.
His unwillingness to honor your feelings about something that will affect your lives forever really is inexcusable.
By coming out of the closet to you, he puts you and your daughter in the closet.
You can get out of that closet by letting him fill it up with dresses and lingerie (with your acceptance and/or participation), but what will your daughter's role be? Or you can stay with your husband while you try to figure things out. Your other option is, of course, walking out of the closet door and out of the front door.
My experience (I let the second option just creep up on me)leads me to believe that you should choose absolute acceptance, or remove yourself from the situation. You, your husband, and your daughter are all very young. Decide what you want to do soon.
BTW--if you surf the Internet for information you will find plenty, but if you want to find other women who will justify your feelings and fears, you won't find many. What you will find are the women who will tell you how they cope, and also the wives who have never come to terms. (How do you think I found your post?)
I'm so sorry you have been forced to make this decision, and I wish you good luck. Be brave and do what you know is the right thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): He's not going to change. I went thru the same thing, I was not able to have anyone stop buy our house, I would have to make sure our son didn't just walk into our bedroom. The way to know that things are not going to change is when you tell him how it makes you feel, and you don't like it! And he still continues to do it knowing you are uncomfortable and unhappy. If that is the case He doesn't Love You, if He doesn't care if what he does makes you unhappy or doesn't care what you think of him!
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 Women's undies are more comfortable . There are men who wear women's undies.
He has a fetish for woman's clothes or he could be a transsexual.A woman in a man's body. He maybe born a man but feels like a woman .He could be slowly finding his own sexuality.He is not gay or bi.(Google the word , 'transsexual' to learn more about their behaviors.)
Since , his behavior is only confined to the home, his case is not full blown yet or he would be dressing it all the time inside and outside the house.
You will have to accept and tolerate his behavior at home and let your daughter understand. It is not a kind of sickness but transsexuals are not made, they are born with this kind of bisexual behaviors.
You will have to be more understanding and hope that this is only a fad and he gets tired of it.
Some daughters can understand why their dads behave that way.I have friends who are transsexuals and their daughters accept their transsexual dads.
...............................
A
male
reader, Transcowboy +, writes (23 January 2008):
 It sounds like your husband has a need to dress like a woman. It may be that he just likes to do it and it wont go any farther or it could be that you husband is Transgendered and this is the first step. I would suggest going to therapy together. It will help alot. If you want to know more bout trangendered people or have any questions on the subject, feel free to email me, i will try to help you as much as i can.
Drew
...............................
A
male
reader, jm81690 +, writes (23 January 2008):
 You need to sit down and talk with him, is there any way he could be gay or bisexual?
Also, as far as you sounding hypocritical, there's nothing hypocritical about that, I've got no problem with cross dressers, doesn't mean I would want to date one.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): You need to just say it like you have written it here.
Backdoor play on a guy does NOT mean he is gay or bi though.
If it causes YOU concern then discuss it.
Dont hold back, say it like it is, explain what you have problems with and what you dont. xx
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): Quite frankly you should ask your husband if he is gay or bisexual. I am more than aware that many cross dressers are not neccessarily gay/bi, but your comment about the back door part of it causes concern.
Your husband may be keeping more from you than you think. You both are relatively young--it's not like a mid life crisis, but perhaps he is finally showing his true colours.
Time for a serious sit down and discussion.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): I think you need to let him know just how you feel. In the past you have gone along with it and therefore he probably thinks you are 100% ok about it all. Now, you are not, well, tell him all that you have told us and more. Let him know that this cannot go on because it isnt what you want the future to be like. Would you be ok about him dressing up less, or when your child is out of the house? You have to decide. Can you seriously go on in the future like this? Do you love him and maybe put up with this? If the answer to the last question is NO, then you need to seriously ask yourself if it is time to move on with your child. Sorry, but i do think that life is to short and you have needs too. You also have a say in how you want your future to be, and if this is not it, then sort it now.
take care
xx
...............................
|
