A
female
age
36-40,
*at2012
writes:i don't know what to do. i was with my boyfriend for 4 years then we broke up for 2years and are now back together. We broke up for numerous reasons but mainly cos he turned into a dick and was acting horrible.During the time we separated i was alone for a year and then dated someone else. This guy had fancied me for years even when i was with my boyfriend. The thing is this guy is the older brother of a mutual friend of ours. We were together for nearly 10 months , then me and the brother broke up because he cheated, i stopped talking to the sister(friend) cos she knew about everything. My boyfriend lost contact with our mutual friend so didn't know me and her brother hooked up and when he found out was pissed at the mutual friend as she did play a part in getting me and her brother together. But i did correct my boyfriend and said it was my decision.I have only been back with my boyfriend for about 2months. We said we would take it slow but because he had some personal problems he came to stay with me for a week or so and we got into an full blown intense relationship again.I got back in contact with my boyfriend because i heard he was doing badly and was worried about him, then some how ended back together. Me and the friends brother had only been broken up for a month,i now realise it was too soon to get into a new/old relationship. But i love my boyfriends company, we laugh and have fun, we were with each other for 4 years, know each other inside out, he has apologised non stop for how he treated me before we broke up, he has matured, he is there for me and generally cares for me. I feel the same. We are best friends. But i realise now i love him but not in love with him anymore. I would have never dragged him along if i knew that, I hate the situation i have got myself in now. It is so confusing when you love someone but not in love with them. I would do anything for my boyfriend. he is like family, i love him to bits. i love his company and our closeness. At first i generally thought it was because we just got back together after so long apart it would take a while to get the spark back. I also thought perhaps it was a different stage of love, after the honeymoon stage and was because we know each other inside out it was a mature the of love. I'm am 24 btw. He asked me straight away when we got back together if i was sure i didn't want to be with the friends brother and i said no and i meant it at the time. But now i really miss him. He contacted about 3 weeks ago telling me he loved me, that he is going crazy without me and that he is sorry he messed up (he has no clue i am back with my ex) I told him where to go.But i can honestly say i think part of me wanted him to contact me, i had changed my number and he emailed me. It took all of me to tell him to piss off, And i think it was mainly out of loyalty to my boyfriend that i did. I think had i been single i would have still given him a hard time as he cheated but i now realise i am in love with him. The thing is he is a cheat and I don't know if he would do it again and he does dodgy things sometimes/petty crime which put me off but i am in love with him and whenever i think about him it puts a knot in my stomach and makes me sad. Its like i can't breathe. Our relationship had its ups and downs but was very passionate. It kills me because i don't want to hurt anyone. My boyfriend helped me so much in my last month of uni( literally just finished) helped with my coursework, i am an art student/photography and he was my model, went out his way to help on so many other levels, calmed me down when i have been stressed. I love him sooo much, but more like a brother. I know i have to break up but every time i try he says something soo sweet or does something to show me he cares which just confuses me more as he seems so good for me. and the brother guy isn't. i wish there was a switch i could just turn on and off.I don't want to lose my boyfriend, i want him in my life . he means so much to me. I know it will hurt him that I'm not in love with him and he will think i deceived him. but i didn't lie on purpose and i do love him but just not like that. plus if he finds out my feelings for the brother he will hate me.This is really depressing me. i thought i could drag it out as my boyfriend is planning to move back to Jamaica, (where is family is from) but needs to get the money as he was made redundant. He has been saying how he hates England and as he has had problems with his close family(mum, dad brothers) he needs to leave for his own sanity which i understand as i hate to say but he has not been blessed with a nice family.That is also making me sad as he has been singing my praises how i am the only one there for him. I hate how i feel. I feel like a horrible person. i wish i could just switch my feelings off. advice please
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best friend, broke up, friend's brother, got back together, money, my ex, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): If you love him but are not "in love" with him, then the proper thing to do is to break up with him. He may be in love with you, but it has to be a two-way street and it's not. Therefore, this relationship doesn't have what it takes to last.
You can still love him, just that it will be as a friend or a sister-type or relationship and not as a girlfriend or intimate partner.
An intimate partner relationship is one that needs to have at least some "in love" aspect. This is the closest kind of relationship you will have compared to all your other friendships and family relationships. to be this close to someone, you need to have more than the "regular" type of love you would have for your friends and siblings. If you don't have it, then your relationship doesn't meet the criteria for being an intimate partner relationship, it's as simple as that. Trying to force it to be one, is like staying in a job/career you actually hate but refuse to change because you feel you need to continue doing what you always have been. You can make the situation continue on, but you wont' feel any better about it. Instead you're likely to feel worse and worse as the frustration accumulates over time.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (8 June 2012):
 This is an easy one. If you aren't happy...move on. If you are not in love...move on. Why would you hate yourself for not being in love with someone? Those feelings are telling you something and you should listen instead of getting wrapped up in all of these details. I mean, you can sit there all day and rationlize why you shouldn't break up with him and how wonderful he is, but that is the risk you take being in relationships. Sometimes one person feels it and another doesn't. That doesn't mean that the person without feelings should bury how they really feel and live a miserable life. Life is too short to be unhappy and sometimes you cannot have your cake and eat it too.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 June 2012):
 Make friends with your body and your emotions and really listen to them. There is a reason you are not in love anymore. He can't provide you happiness except for the sweet words he utters to you to lure you to stay. You already moved on. You should not have to settle with anyone. You want the total package in a person. You want a person who is caring, but at the same time passionate about life. His family problem is his and you are not his refuge and savior. He probably can't just go back to Jamaica so easily, but if he has already thought about it, what is the point of continuing this? When a person need money in order to move, perhaps it's better not to move. He could get rid of family problems but there will be financial problems he has to deal with. You have to be honest with him that you don't feel for him anymore.
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