A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. My husband and I are having a difference of opinion and I wanted to get some objective views... so here I am. First of all, my husband (Dave) and I have been married a bit over two years but have known each other for about four years. I consider our relationship excellent. In fact we joke about how our personalities compliment each other rather than being the same. Communication between us is also great.One area that we differ on is past relationships and I suppose attitudes toward them. I was a free spirit and enjoyed exploring the world of relationships and sexuality. I never felt bad about the experiences I had. Dave was alot more reserved. So as you can expect I have had alot more "variety" than he has. Anyway, all of this was discussed way before we got married and Dave understood that he was "the guy" for me forever. Again it was all about communication. I wanted us to be completely honest with each other and we were. He's still not crazy about my past but he knows I love him with all my heart. I've introduced him to a couple of past flames (both are married now) because they are in our circle of friends and once again I wanted to be honest. Our "intimate life" is great. I sort of took the lead in the beginning - he was a heck of a good student! I never deny him and he never denies me. We've discussed fantasies and have even tried a few. So I know he's happy.One of his was to have some sexy boudoir photos of me. I was completely game for it. We both wanted them to be high glossy and plaboyish looking so the issue came up of how and who and where we could do this. Dave has never been too keen on having guys "ogle" me so I suggested "Ken" (who is one of my exes that we are friends with). Ken's passion is photography and we've seen some of his work. Dave didn't initially like the idea at all but I told him that Ken is definitely a known commodity and he's a good guy who we can trust. Anyway, Dave eventually agreed with me and I asked Ken if he was OK with it (and his wife!!) and he said sure. So this past weekend wewent over to Kenand Louise's home where he has a home studio. The shoot went really well. I thought I'd be nervous but I wasn't. Dave on the other hand was sort of nervous but eventually was OK to the point that he even suggested some poses.At one point Ken suggested that we take some photos in their great room so we all went there. As we left his studio I was wearing a robe of course. Once we got to the other room we saw that Ken and Louise's son (1st year college) was there. Ken was nonchalant and said let's continue. So I took off the robe and we continued. The son came in and out of the room on a few occassions. It didn't bother me because I'm pretty confident about my body and am not ashmaed of it (I've been to topless beaches). I couldn't really gauge Dave's reactions so we continued until Ken suggested that we call it a day.When we got home Dave said that he was shocked. I was truly surprised and asked him why. He said it was bad enough that Ken saw me undressed but now so did their son. He said I should have stopped the shoot once we saw that the son was there.I told him that it really is not a big deal at all but he says it is and has been upset all week.How can I help him overcome his sense that something wrong happened when nothing wrong did?
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male
reader, lost cartographer +, writes (16 December 2013):
I would think that of all the men in the world 10-20% of those wouldnt mind someone else seeing their wife naked. Of those 10-20% would agree to those people taking photos of their wife naked. Of those 1% would be ok having an 18 year old see their wife naked. I think you owe your husband an apology. I also think that if my wife did this it would probably make me rethink our relationship. This is odd behaviour!
A
female
reader, Melissa2013 +, writes (15 December 2013):
I'm really going to go against most posters here. I'm a woman and I too have a "free spirited past." I really don't think the OP did anything wrong here. It was her hubby's fantasy to have photos taken of her. Yes, they could have gone to some pro they didn't know but how would that have made Dave feel better?I agree that going to Ken was the right thing to do. He was and is a known person who they could take comfort in beeing safe with. Also, he was her ex, but so what? I would argue that that should have made it easier for Dave. After all, Ken had already seen OP in the all together many times in the past.Nowhere does OP state that she has any feelings toward Ken and Ken handles himself properly during the shoot. It's not like he made any passes at her. Also, OP said that Dave did eventually come around. He even suggested poses for heavens sake!As far as Ken's son being there, it's not like he planted himself there for the view. If he had, Ken probably would have told him to leave. And it's not like Dave did anything so it could be that at some level he was OK
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 December 2013):
 Thousands of competent, professional photographers, and you chose an EX to take nude pictures of you, and then your husband to be there to watch the whole thing?!? Sorry, but when you're married, that is something you do not do.
And, Ken your ex allowed his son to come in and out of a closed nude/semi nude photoshoot? Are you SERIOUS?! All I had to do is look up boudoir photography, and a lot of hits came up. Not only that, but you have to look at the camera (and as a result, the camera holder) with the "come hither" sex looks for these pictures.
You should have had a woman or a professional do it, one that doesn't let other people enter a room while it's happening. You put a big bruise on your great marriage. You can repair it by apologizing to your husband and thanking him for being supportive of you while his blood was boiling. You can also treat the event like a teaching moment, and affirm that you both learn from it. Salve his ego, and that's 3/4 of the battle.
Or, you can make excuses or berate your husband for not being evolved enough to handle it. That won't be good, because while his intellect is what kept him from acting out, his blood was boiling with every second your clothes were off and especially for the son coming in.
This one is repairable. You weren't disloyal, and done right, you could get closer together as he learns about you and vice versa. But the ex with the son running through the house was not cool at all.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 December 2013):
 To me this is simply a case of improper preparation. You should be aware of everything I am about to suggest.
Wrong photographer, yes he was known and safe in that way, Your husband was not comfortable with him and only caved after some time. You should have let him find a female photographer.
As with any fantasy fulfillment, or experience involving others, you should have had an agreement before hand as to where the pictures would be taken. You should have had safe words. you husband should have put his foot down the second he felt uncomfortable.
Euphoric is right, you need to apologize. Yes it was an accident and not intentional. Yes it is partially his fault for getting carried away with his fantasy. Sympathy for his feelings and accepting that he has a right to feel that way will go a long way to getting him over this. He needs to understand that you really thought he was liking it, and that you didn't want him to be hurt.
Off the cuff general advice. Your relationship is unbalanced. Your experience and leadership gives you power. He may be jealous of that power. He seems to accept it. What you both need to understand is that either person has the power to withdraw from the relationship. Regardless of the power structure both people are responsible to keep their partner happy. Your relationship is relatively young. There will be bumps and false starts. Make sure your partner is not holding back communication again. As well as you communicate he failed two times in this sad story to communicate something important to you. Part of the problem was him hiding the information, part was you not accepting the information you received, part was you not receiving the information.
FA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 December 2013):
 OP I'm sorry you are struggling with this.
I get your POV as it's mine too... bodies are beautiful and admiring a beautiful body and being comfortable in your own skin is a priceless gift.
Unfortunately most Americans are uptight about it.
The issue is that from day one your hubby was not comfortable with it but he agreed to it to keep the peace and because it was what YOU wanted.
Where it blew up was Ken crossing the line into FRIENDS vs keeping it professional... taking you into his private area (his great room) with his family was not appropriate... would you have done this with a professional that was NOT a friend? I doubt it. A professional would not have had his TEEN child at a shoot unless the kid WORKED for the business....
I think you owe hubby an apology for overstepping his comfort level and figure out how to make it up to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2013): Ps.I too am a liberal free spirit with more sexual experiences than my partner so don't take my comments as if I'm narrow minded or conservative or whatever.You are taking your free spiritedness too far and if you carry on like this, you will ruin the beautiful dynamic you have.In fact, you've already started to do so!'Dave has never been too keen on having guys "ogle" me so I suggested "Ken"'- Let me get this right, your husband was not comfortable with men ogling at you so you suggested your ex whom you've done everything under the sun with? Really? Your husband was uncomfortable with this and you had to persuade him. That was the first sign to stop! In your own words - he didn't initially like the idea at all but after your influence he eventually agreed with YOU... and even then he was was sort of nervous on the day.Talk about selfish and tactless.You claim that it was his fantasy to have some sexy boudoir photos of you. Then why on earth did YOU shove it down his throat at any cost like this when he was resisting every step of the way? If it was his fantasy, he had every right to say it's not worth you stripping in front of some guy for him to fulfill that fantasy. But you just bulldozed your way past his discomfort and made it happen under the most awkward circumstances possible.To respect his fantasy and his need for decency, you could have gone to a female photographer. It's not like they're less talented or in short supply. Or you could have gone to a reputable place where your neither your ex nor your friends' children were going to see you doing sexy poses in lingerie. You're a mother figure to their son and I can understand why your husband felt it was inappropriate. If I were you, I would be really careful because you are seriously stomping over his needs and placing your own above his. There's nothing wrong with being a body confident free spirit but your whole tone is very dismissive of your husband's opinions, needs and desires. Simply because he's not had as many partners or prior sexual experiences does not mean his opinion counts for less. Just because you completely took the reigns at the start does not mean you know best about everything sexual.You say your communication is great but it sounds like you say I want x and he accommodates you and so you think everything is rosy.Your free spirit might have attracted him to start off with but 'little' things like this incident are going to build up resentment and drive a wedge between you two.Try listening to his needs too. You might have slept with every man in the world and tried every position there is but you would not be a great partner if you didn't pay attention to his individual needs. You really should get off your high horse. He is clearly doing a good job of making you happy and accommodating your desires so it really is irrelevant what his past history is.Next time try not to force things that are out of his comfort zone. It's inconsiderate, patronising and disrespectful.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (13 December 2013):
Dear OP,
I agree that technically, nothing bad happened.. in your eyes. But I can understand the whole situation was way too awkward for your husband to handle. Really, a photo shoot with your ex? I am sorry, but this is not cool and will never be, not even for very experienced and easy-going people. It sounds like you talked him into choosing your ex as a photographer and he probably didn't stand up to it, but felt it was kind of wrong. Which it was. I mean, I can understand it's good for YOUR ego, because you're basically showing your husband how much more experienced and open-minded you are, rubbing it in.. ("look, this is the guy I f***ed before you"). And you show your ex how much you are over him by introducing him to the new guy who will look at your sexy pictures. But this was clearly not about making your husbands fantasy come true. You chose a setting where you are the star, around two guys you know have liked or still like you. Of course YOU felt at ease with your body and all.. but how did you expect him to feel?
And Ken and Louise both didn't handle this shooting professionally, at all! Their son walking in and out is an absolute no-go and it really doesn't matter if you're confident with your body. This isn't a professional set-up for such a shoot, it's rude from the son and his parents to let this happen. Everyone was completely insensitive about your husbands feelings, it seems to me. This afternoon must have been a complete disaster for your him and I understand why.
All in all, this was not really thought through to the end. It was badly planned and badly executed.
My advice here to help him overcome the sense that something was wrong? Admit that something was wrong and apologize. He will never be able to enjoy these photos and it's not his fault.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2013): I don't even know how your husband went alone in a first place with your ex making naked pictures of you. I know my husband would never allow it. I think you pushing it with your free lifestyle and so on. You can be as much free spirited as you like, but it doesn't look like your husband is. Men are territorial, it's what nature intended, and it sounds like you are convincing him to do what he doesn't want. On another hand if it was his idea to have naked pictures of you, and he didn't want a stranger seeing you naked, it was a way out of it to have your ex who already saw you naked do it, lol. About his son, I agree with your husband. You know how he is, why to allow 18 year to look at you naked. I don't know for me this whole thing is bazaar. You, your husband, a circle of friends where you banged several guys. I would suggest to go easy on your husband with your free life choices, and if he thinks it's wrong respect it. It's a very intimate subject we are talking sout, not about what movie to watch.
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