A
female
age
51-59,
*opelessinMA
writes:I am 38 years old and married to a man who refuses to work. We own our own construction company and we only had one more job to do on our list. My husband REFUSES to do this job although we have borrowed thousands off my parents and his. I am out of work due to a lay off. We have three children (one together who is 8) He has two children from previous relationships (one lives with us - they are older but still under 18) I love these kids like they are my own and I have stayed in this relationship for 10 years because of the love i have for them. My husband sleeps all day and is up all night. Every morning i BEG him to get up and go to work but he refuses by threatening to hurt me and calling me names. Every night he promises to go the next day and even calls our employee' to let him know we will be picking him up to go to work. He makes me call this customer and give my word that we will be on the job the next day. HE JUST WILL NOT GO TO WORK.. I am at the point i want to kick him in the head. We have NO money in the bank.. We are losing our house.. we owe thousands and thousands to back child support and to our parents not to mention credit card bills that havent been paid in years..I dont know what to do or where to go.. My parents dont have the room for my daughter and me and i have no money for an apartment. Why is he doing this to us?? This morning he grabbed my arm and tossed me because i went and picked up our employee hoping that this would make him get off the couch. Oh we dont sleep in the same room because he watches tv all night and i have to get up with the kids for school at 6 am..I used to be such a strong person. If I file for divorce I lose my step kids who really need me because their father does NOTHING for them.. I just dont know what to do.. The house is in his name only so I can't kick him out. I'm so sad all the time and don't know what to do.. He just lays there and doesn't care if I cry or beg or explain how important this money is to our family.Any suggestions?
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female
reader, didda123  +, writes (10 February 2009):
 I really feel for you i think if you don't do something you will suffer yourself.
I don't think you will be out on the street if you leave him you have played a part in your business together though what assets you have left i don't know. I know you say you don't want to leave but do you really want to live this sort of life it must be horrendous!
I really think you should speak to a doctor or professional who may have some answers you need some sort of support to help you through but if this has been going on for 10+ you honestly need a medal.
Without him wanting help there is not much you can do and if you are prepared to live that life looking after his kids as well as your own no one can stop you and i don't think he is going to change things at all.
You have children and you will be entitled
A
female
reader, peach459 +, writes (10 February 2009):
I think that the others are right... from what you've told us your husband does seem to be suffering from depression. It sounds like you've tried everything in your power to get him help. But here is a website you might find useful:http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htmIn the end, perhaps the shock of you leaving could be enough to motivate him to seek help. Especially if you make it clear to him that this his refusal to get help is the reason you have to leave. I'm concerned because you have also mentioned signs of abuse. Threatening you, grabbing your arm, tossing you... this is not ok. There are several organisations that could help (including finding you a place to stay). Here is a website and phone number for one of them:http://www.helpabusedwomen.org/index.html1 800 547 1649I hope that I am way off base, but regardless I think that it might help to speak to someone with genuine experience/knowledge of abuse. You mention that you are reluctant to leave for the sake of your step children, would you be able to contact their mothers? could they help? If you haven't already, speak to your parents. You say they have no room, but if they fully understand what you have been going through they might find a way to help. I sincerely hope this helps, good luck.
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A
female
reader, hopelessinMA +, writes (10 February 2009):
hopelessinMA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell thanks for trying to help.. i agree with you.. I dont even know what the problem is so I cant expect others to help me.. sorry i wasted your time.. he would never go online.. I appreciate your efforts =)
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A
female
reader, hopelessinMA +, writes (10 February 2009):
hopelessinMA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have begged him to get help over the last 10 years but he refuses to see anyone.. He doesnt give a reason for not going to work.. He just will not get up..He says "I need an hour more of sleep" "I havent slept yet" "I'm exhausted" "Dont say another word or you can take your stuff and GET OUT" When he wakes up around 3:00 he says he's sorry and that everything will be fine because he is going back to work tomorrow.. but then he doesnt.. I guess the answer is to leave him.. the problem is that I love him and our children and dont have anywhere to go..
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A
female
reader, didda123 +, writes (10 February 2009):
When exactly did this lack of motivation to work start is it a recent thing?
I was just wondering if your husband is depressed about something possibly money troubles relating to the business or loosing your home he seems to have gone to ground and i honestly think he needs professional help though i doubt he will agree to it.
Maybe things are a lot worse than you realize and he is harbouring all the guilt and worry about this. I think you should try to have a reasonable talk to him try not to get stressed out and try to coax him to open up about his worries.
You can work through things together but you are working blind if he cannot talk to you about things. I feel that things have got on top of him and he doesn't know how to handle the situation.
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A
female
reader, hopelessinMA +, writes (10 February 2009):
hopelessinMA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf he was out of work and was looking for jobs I would be VERY supportive.. but we have a job lined up and he wont go..Please understand that I do all the estimates, payroll, phone calls, advertising and bills.. He does the manual work which is of corse the tougher of the two jobs but how is he being supportive of me??? We just lost that job this morning so it doesnt really matter at this point now..
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A
female
reader, hopelessinMA +, writes (10 February 2009):
hopelessinMA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to mention that he acts like this for months at a time over the last 10 years.. this is not a new problem but our financial situation is at the point we will be homeless.
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