A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband is a great dad but if he has to ask my son and daughter to do somethng--ie clean up their rooms or take a shower more than twice, he starts yelling at them. My son is 10 and is really affected by that. he just starts crying and has told me several times that he doesn't like it when daddy yells at him. I do try to talk to my husband and state the affects of the yelling will ruin my son. We have gotten into several arguments about this. My daughter never cries but justs does what she is told. He does it to me sometimes and talks to me like I am a child. I don't put up with it and tell him so. It is usually over something trivial ie a misplaced key. These outbursts really ruin our days and I have told him so. I don't know if this is right but I am becoming numb to it--almost blocking it out. I know that is not right either. I am not sure how to make him stop yelling/ie change his behavior. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): @Anon
When they are TEENS and have to deal with sex, drugs, alcohol,bullying, and peer pressure you want them to go to their family for support right?
Why should dad LISTEN to them, if they won't LISTEN to him should he wait till they HAVE to shout to be heard?
Do what is best for your kids, by teaching them to be respectful to their father.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): My dad was just like this. He would yell, and we tried extremely hard to please him and live up to his standards. I am 23 andmy brother is 30 and we are straight A kids. We have not spoken to him over 6 years. We have no interedt on doing so.... to be honest eventually your husband will drive away your children and they will not have the trust or confidence to come up to him on their time of need. When they are TEENS and have to deal with sex, drugs, alcohol,bullying, and peer pressure you want them to go to their family for support right? be honest my mother did they healthiest thing by divorcing my father and keeping us. Some people are just not born to be fathers. .. how was his relationship with his parents????that says a lot. Would try counseling with the kids...if they all had a place where they could freely speak how he makes them feel... he mag be presuaded to think how he speaks to themPlease do what is best for your kids.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): May my father rest in peace but my father would yell so loud it seemed like the walls of our house would tremble in fear he was very very strick if he went to work we better have every thing in order in our rooms, and house better be spotless if not OMG. But by my parents being Strick of some sort has made me and my siblings prison free,we truly respect our parents to the max but I still do believe there is another way to have order in your home.Good Luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): I am the OP. Thanks for all the replies! I guess I am a quiet and calm person. I am different and I don't yell loudly. It is not part of how I was brought up. Usually, I am firm in my requests and the kids do it. I am a boss/owner and I am the same way with my employees. They usually know when I am upset and I don't typically raise my voice/yell for them to know. I do like the card system that a female anonymous "aunt" wrote about. They use the same system in school and it seems to work there. I am not sure why I said "my" in ref. to our son. I guess you can do all sorts of psychological analysis there but I think it is b/c we are a very egalitarian couple when it comes to child rearing so we split up the kids labor--mine typically our daughters stuff and his our son's stuff. But it is flexible since we are both FT working parents and things at work get busy/do crop up. I guess I just want to hear from others if this had a long term affect on them. I appreciate C. Grants comments. Every child/person is different and as a parent, I suppose it is normal to second guess "your job"
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 June 2013):
 I am a bit conflicted about this. On one hand, I am not a yeller ( although, the random occasional yell escaped my lips too, we all are human )and I hate being yelled at, it makes me very upset and resentful. So, in part I can see where you are coming from.
Then again, I can 't help agreeing with Eyeswideopen and others... and maybe if I were your husband I'd yell too . Why do you think it's OK that your kids have USUALLY to be told things more than twice before doing things ? How many times do they expect to be told, ten ?!
And sorry, I have to disagree with C. Grant ( and this is an historical first, it never happens ! ) Integrate what ?, at 6 what part of " take your elbows off the table " did your daughter not understand ? I agree she did not do it on purpose to challenge you, then again if she had to be told a simple instruction multiple times to me it would mean that she does not LISTEN to her parents.
Part of being a child is, hopefully, also to TRUST your parents, you do not need to understand or approve of the logic behind what you are told to do- you ( always hopefully ! ) accept that your parents know what they are talking about, and you do it.
Things of course change during teen years , when even a simple instruction like " switch off the light when you go out " can become the cause of long and intense debate- but that's normal, biological I'd say- that contentiousness serves a purpose, to help them become their own person with their own ideas and values, and to help them eventually detach themselves from the nest and spread their wings.
But a 10 y.o. kid ? Why does he think he can afford the luxury to IGNORE what his dad says ? Should your husband have to plead and beg and cajole to make the kids do what they are supposed to do ?
So it seems to me that you have to work on two different fronts , so to speak- on your husband 's impatient, irritable temper that , if he cannot mollify it a bit, CAN drive a wedge between him and his family. And on your kids' attitude- after all, they should be able to understand that if they obeyed the first or second time they are asked to do something- the yelling would be unnecessary.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 June 2013):
 What I have been dealing with in the last ten years or so is "helicopter" parents. They are parents that feel they have to be involved with their kids 24/7. But this is college students. Even at 18+ the parents won't let go. Your husband is trying to instill some discipline. Even if your kids don't further their education they will need these life lessons on duties assigned . My question is why do you allow two warnings before they comply? Most bosses won't.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): If your son did as he was told in the first place, then dad won't need to yell until he takes notice. Yelling will not ruin your son, but spoiling him and been soft as a brush will ruin him and make a big problem for his future girlfriends, he will be lazy and expect others to tidy up after him. You should also support Dad and tell your son to do his share of tidying his room up( why are you not telling him to tidy his room and leaving it to dad?)Do you realise this makes dad look like an ogar when really you should be teaching him some domestic tasks, has he ever helped washed the dishes? these are all tasks that someday when he goes into the big wide world(on his own) he will have to do. I have seen the results of mums that spoil their children and wrapp them in cotton wool and they end up ruined.I see something quite striking in your post, that always refers to the children as if they are only YOURS rather than OUR'S ???? ask my son ruin my son.My son is 10 Does dad not have much say in this family and why is the family ignoring him or blocking him out or not listening to him ?I read between the lines and see a mum who is spoiling HER SON and shutting dad out. So maybe his yelling is about somthing far deeper than you realise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): I had to post to your question as I felt some were a tad unfair to your son . Every child is different from looks down to emotions , hence your daughter letting it seem it rolls down of her back and your son who becomes an emotional mess.. I think your best solution here is to get the kids at relatives for a night and tell him how it is.. Infact I would tape him or video him over a week then after you two have a lovely meal some down town and no hanky panky until after he listens/watches it.Kids are kids are some have the attention of a newt . Yes they need to be polite yes they need to be well mannered and behaved but oo yes they need to be reminded time time sometimes to pick up their toys shoes, whatever that would be. Without having to be verbally attacked and abused . The world is a tough place, but your home shouldn't . How does shouting and getting angry help the situation.. Tell your husband that yes maybe you need to have a family sit down chat with rules much like this.Ask you once .. Don't do it.. Green card Ask you again •••••••••••. Orange cardAsk again That's it. Red cardAnd then you remove a toy/game for one evening .. Continues to ignore then its removed for longer.. However there no shouting cursing . It's done low key ..As for how hubby treats you I would use the above route as well but it would be him sleeping on the couch . I would not tolerate being treated like that and neither should you. .. Take care.. As the saying goes plant your feet stand your ground .
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 June 2013):
I agree with Serpico. A 10 year old shouldn't have to be told to do something more than a couple times at most. You are doing him a disservice by allowing it. I don't think your husband is the one with the problem. Just tell the kid to do as he is told the FIRST time and he won't have a thing to cry about. By the way you also might point out to him that he too old to be crying like a baby when he gets into trouble. Tell him to look at his sister's reaction when she told to do something.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (4 June 2013):
Sorry, tough love here, but perhaps you should tell your 10 year old to do things when he's first told so then daddy wont have to yell at him.I was raised in a household that you were told once, yelled at a second time, and smacked if it took a third time. Believe me, you learned responsibility quite fast. At the time, I resented how tough my parents were on me and how coddled some of my friends were. Now at age 45, I'm sitting on top of a multi-million dollar business and many of these friends are still living in their parents house. Not a single day goes by where I don't absolutely appreciate how tough my parents were on me and how deeply they instilled the notions of responsibility and work ethic. Today, Im seeing so many kids being coddled into dependency it troubles me, and the sad part is most of the parents dont realize they are cutting their childs legs from under them.Your son is 10 years old. Before you know it, he will be driving and looking for a job. If he things daddy is tough, just wait until he has a boss. Learning responsibility and self discipline at this age will pay him dividends the rest of his life.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (4 June 2013):
 Your post hit very close to home. To an extent that was my default mode as well. And not terribly different from how my mother was. My wife told me once, “the kids never know what they’re going to get from you.” Sometimes I could be calm and thoughtful about the situation, and behave like you would hope. But sometimes my response would just be angry.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why I would be that way. Part of it, I think, is that I was taking their behaviour personally, as if it was somehow about me. I remember a family dinner where I sharply admonished my daughter, maybe six at the time, for having her elbows on the table. Maybe I was thinking that, since I’d told her before that she shouldn’t do that, she was doing it to annoy me. Rather than what was really going on --- she was just a little kid who hadn’t yet integrated what I was trying to teach her (and that I was probably doing a lousy job of teaching).
The bottom line was that I did probably irreparable damage to the relationship. My eldest, a lovely, sensitive girl who was my favourite, is now 20 and has as little to do with me as she can. Our ‘conversations’ seldom go beyond “how are you today?”. My middle child is a bit tougher, got a bit less of my anger, and we get along a bit better, but aren’t what you could call close.
Your husband has to first recognize that there’s a problem. It’s cliché, but it’s really true. After that, he has to find the strength and patience to put himself in the kids’ place before he reacts to the situation. It takes time – it’s not easy to change an automatic, ingrained response. But speaking from experience, the path he’s on creates nervous, untrusting children. And makes for a lonely future for himself.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 June 2013):
 Only HE can agree to - and DO - change his behaviour......
All YOU can "do" is remind him that it is unpleasant and stressful for him (and the kids) when he "communicates" in that manner.....
One thing you might try, with him, is to tell him that only directions/instructions which are delivered SOFTLY will, or must be, followed. ANY delivered at high volume will be ignored.... See if you can get him to agree to that "game"......
Good luck....
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