A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone!So I have a bit of a situation on my hands and could really use some help and advice with this. So, for the past year I was living and working in France and recently came home a couple of weeks ago. While I was out there, being a young single girl I met a few guys and had a blast. But just before I came home I met a guy through some mutual friends who is amazing and we just clicked straight away, even though I was going back to the UK. But that didn't stop us because he's going to be studying in the UK in September and coming to London during the summer, and since I've come back we've been talking to each other everyday, he's initiated the majority of our conversations, he seems genuinely interested and wants to get to know about me and has even insinuated that I would be the perfect girlfriend, so things have been going great between us and we've been talking about seeing each other again when he comes to the UK and we've been getting really close......Until this morning when everything changed. We were talking about how I knew our mutual friends, all guys, and I said I'd met them on a night out in France and become friends with a couple of them. Then he asked which of the group I knew, so I told him 5 names. Then he told me that one of the guys I had mentioned, let's call him X, is one of his best friends. And I couldn't believe it because I had slept with this particular guy (X) while I was out there, just a one night thing, nothing serious, but then I felt the need to confess and was honest with the guy I've been talking to and told him, and said 'I realize that's really weird for you that I've slept with one of your best friends and I understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore' to which he said 'indeed that's really weird for me, I guess we can just be friends because I can't start a serious relationship with you now that I know that, it's impossible.' I'm obviously really gutted and disappointed, and I genuinely had no idea that these two guys know eac hother. I really thought I had something with this guy and I feel like it could have gone somewhere. But now all he wants to do is be friends because he 'can't date a girl that he friend has dated,' he said it's not a big deal but it's just guy code and he wouldn't want to go there now even though me and his friend (X) were never anything and never together. I realize this is really awkward for him and I'm so gutted and ashamed, even though I didn't know the current guy at the time. He's such a nice guy which makes this even harder. Basically he tried to continue whatsapping me today and I just said I was going to see a friend so we would talk soon because I need some advice.How do I play it with him? Do I cease all contact with him and see if he comes round and tries to talk to me? I'm hoping he'll figure it all out and realize that it's not such a big deal, given that I didn't know him at the time and that had no idea they both knew each other. I also don't understand how he didn't already know, given that he must have spoken to our mutual friends, so I don't know if he was testing me to see if I would be honest with him or lie to him.I really like him and I just don't know what to do now - do I give him space and see what he does and? Please help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): A bit the same response. no chance here. you had your fun and it has consequences even if it is the past. few guys like knowing that history especially if it same circle then no chance.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): You need to move on cease all contact, he has told you where he stands.
If He wants more, he may look beyond this and persue something with you. But the chances are remote.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): "Its a man thing" and its also a woman thing. Women bash other women for sleeping around at least as much as men do it, if not more. Men could completely stop caring about women's pasts and it would continue to be a major issue because other women are responsible for a big chunk of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): The world is getting smaller everyday and finally some of your past hookups has come to bite you in the butt. It is the 21st century and the new I phone is a walking diary. I hate to say this but still today a man can sleep around and have fun and not really be labelled as not being keeper material but us ladies still seem to have to live up to a higher standard. In your case you became the one night thing and since you did it with his best friend you still wont be considered anything more the slut that gives great one night sex. Is it right? No. Is it a stark reality? I am afraid so. Let me give you my personal experiences as a example. I have been with a great man for the past three years. Before we became committed to each other we talked about x boyfriends and x girlfriends. My man had about two long term relationships and he had trouble talking about them even though not details were mentioned. I said that I had two also but I lied I actually was a bit like you but smarter when I had my hook-ups. Do I regret what I did sure do now. Have I done it since meeting my man? No I haven't. Would I do it again? No. Point here is that my boyfriend is a little more sensitive and if I told him everything about the other things it would destroy him. He just couldn't cope. What I am saying most men probably couldn't cope. So you have my sympathies you just better move on. I don't think you telling him about the hookup will ever change his opinion of you. It is a man thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): How many women would be okay with dating their female friend's serious ex-boyfriend? For guys a male friend's past hookup is similarly off-limits, at least as a GF.
It just feels wrong to make a serious GF out of your buddy's throwaway hookup. No amount of blaming the new guy for feeling the way a normal guy feels will change that.
There are two ways this can play out: #1, the OP and this guy don't get involved. #2, they do get involved and the guy feels tortured inside over her past hookup with his friend every single day for however long they are together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): I would continue speaking to him as a friend and see how things progress. Don't pin all your hopes on it, but if he was building a connection with you then he may realise down the line that your past with his friend really doesn't matter. It could easily just be his shock talking so I wouldn't write him off quite yet...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 June 2013):
 I guess you've just made a new friend and that's it. It is what it is.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (4 June 2013):
Sorry, but you need to move on. I know no guy who would seriously date a girl that one of his friends slept with, especially a one night stand. To quote a friend in college - "Im not dating Ted's locker room high five."
He told you he's not longer interested in a relationship, and you should appreciate his honesty rather than just stringing you along. Move on.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (4 June 2013):
I'm afraid that's the way many ( young ) guys think. A girl who has been f**ked by a mate isn't worth much more than casual sex. He may get over it in 20 years or so but for now it's probably best to write him off.
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