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female
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anonymous
writes: I am a new working mother. My baby is 3 1/2 months old. The problem is my relationship with my husband is in the toilet. We are both completing our residencies in the northeast. (My husband is from the south, and I am from the Northeast) Since the birth of the baby, he has started complaining to anyone who will listen that he hates the northeast, he has even made elaborate plans on moving all of us to another state when we are done with our medical training next June. . .the thing is he never involved me in any of these decisions. When I called him out on this he has become hostile, unaproachable, and now overreacts towards everything he considers a "northeast issue" i.e. traffic, rude people, fast paced life. . .meanwhile the past 3 years, of which he has lived up here, this never came up. He is nasty and hostile, I would even use the term emotionally abusive. . .and yet never like this before. He will even go 24 hours at time without talking to me. I am not sure what do. . .I am almost ready to tell him to go - you know where. My life is hard enough with a new baby and a 65 hour work week, 3 out 7 night working 24 hour shifts. What can I do. . .short of divorce?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2005): Of this I am sure...divorce is a bitch and it isn't always the answer to a troubled marriage. You have to weigh the options, decide whether it's better that you go or better that you hang in there and accept the ups and downs of your marriage. You are both in a nasty "power struggle" over career based decisions. He wants it one way..you want it your way. Marriage is compromise. How much compromise is too much? Only you both can make that decision. How do you quit a marriage that has consumed so many years of your life? A marriage into which you have poured all of your hopes and dreams? How can you possibly let go of that life, those memories? It's going to take a big attitude change on both your parts. Attitude is all about choices. You can choose to accept a spouse's poor behavior or you can choose to do something about it. Sometimes the choice is to take no action-get some marriage counselling and he must go with you. Some couples arrange a legal separation hoping that such drastic action will be the catalyst toward marriage repair. This doesn't always work and it's very risky. You owe to your baby to make this relationship work..take all the steps you can to give that child a happy, solid intact home.
No matter what shape your marriage is in, your positive attitude can make your life better. It may not save your marriage-or maybe it will. You have a choice to accept what you have and make the best of it or whine and complain and wish that you'd been dealt a better hand in the card game of life. Perhaps attitude is everything.
I recommend you both get into couple counseling, especially if the love is still there and that sooner the better. A trained marriage therapist can act as a mediator as they are highly trained in helping couples see
challenging situations from each other's point of view. Try to repair this, first before you do anything drastic.
Good luck and I wish you both well.
Hugs, Irish
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female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (14 August 2005):
 Hey , congrats on your new baby. It seems to me that the problem in north east has nothing to really do with the place itself. There is much more to it if you say you guys have been living there for a long time thus far. On the times that you are on good terms, why don't you strike up a conversation about the intended move and really "talk" it out with him. Find out nicely without arguing what is it that is so bad, talk about your careers, the baby, the family....be interested in what he has to say. Yeah I know you are not too interested in it..but you need to get to the bottom of it at some point and if indulging his moving theory is a way...just for your peace of mind try it. Remember you are not arguing or condemning anything he says, think of it as having a discussion with a child about why they can't have anymore ice cream. Shakespeare once said...men are but children of a larger growth!! Think about it!
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A
female
reader, Ann +, writes (14 August 2005):
I have that same problem wilth my husband and I am a new mother too and my baby is 8 months and he tells me that we are going to move and he does not talk to me about it so I know what your saing. The best thing to do is sit down and tell him how you feel and tell him stright out," I don't like it when you make desisions and not talk to me about it." If he does not like you asking or blows it off you got to make the choice that is good and safe for you and your new baby because your baby don't need to see him act that way to you or any one and it' not good for you or the baby I know. So what ever goes on I will have you in my thoughts. Good Luck
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