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male
,
anonymous
writes: Hi,I am a single guy (24 yrs) and have been in relationships with quite a few girls in my life. Most of them were short affairs and didn't last more than one month or so. I don't know what the problem is but when i start going close to girls i feel being strangled and not having enough space for myself. It is becoz of this lack of space that i start to withdraw from girls and gradually move away from them. Though i have been quite close to a lot of girls, i have some sort of fear or anxiety about sex. I tried to cross the line at times but couldn't do it, though i thought the girl would have complied. I am not sure what is wrong with me but i belong to quite a religious family where sex before marraige is generally not accepted. Sex per se is considered not to be had for pleasure but just for procreation. No one is comfortable taking about it in my family. Even my parents stop me from watching movies showing nudity.Recently i came to know that my parents had sexual relationship problems. This has made my anxiety surrounding sex worse. Please help..
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2005):
Your sexual self-esteem is low and it's not your fault. Childhood conditioning/education (or lack thereof) and religious beliefs..has held you back, sexually. You approach any thought of sex with the feeling that you will not be good at it, or will not be able to give, or even experience, sexual pleasure. You really need to learn, not think too much during sex, rather than just 'going with the flow' and allowing true sexual feelings to take over.
Some people experience sexual problems that have non-sexual causes: financial worries, children, problems at work, etc. A lot of people experience some form of sexual problem at some stage in their lives. But you have an unresolved sexual problems and your hang-up is compounding. It will plague you for many years to come if you don't get some professional help. You may have fears about every potential sexual encounter and this fear can become a debilitating pattern.
Try visiting a sex therapist for some counselling. They will help you to understand about giving yourself permission to completely experience sex and its pleasures. That will mean you can let go of the guilt, self-consciousness, judgments and personal hang-ups about sex stemming from your upbringing. Allow yourself to released into sexual freedom. Embrace yourself for all that you are, including your desires You can change this but it will take work, patience and a total complete "change of attitude". Hang in there..I wish you well,take care and good luck
Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (16 August 2005):
 Hey ...listen...you need to walk into the present century. While I admire your moral values stemming from your parents. I believe that sex with someone you totally love is okay. Not saying go and fall in love a million times but you get what I mean. I think your parents have had an effect on the way you interact with women. My suggestion would be to seek some kind of counselling for a bit. No shame in it...everyone needs it at some time or the other.It sounds like performance anxiety a bit because of your beliefs. Only you have control over that...find a girl you truly love and want to be with and make love to her...not have sex with her...finding that one true love might help too. I hope I helped ...
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