A
female
age
51-59,
*eeeeeez
writes:Here's one for you. My husband treats me and the kids like gold. No complaints there. He treats our extended families well and also my friends. Notice I wrote my friends - he has none. He's a prick to pretty much everyone else in the world. He's a prick at his work, at the check out line (with other customers, not clerks.) We've been lucky to buy a little vacation place in an awesome spot. No one will visit us there. People will come when I'm there alone. I know that he wants friends, he's had various man-crushes over the years. It's as if other men merely tolerate him. All that boorish stuff is normal to his birth family. I don't think any of his siblings have friends and I know his parents didn't. I put my foot down when we married - our home, our family was to be a sanctuary, not a battlefield. He learned. I can't give him these people skills, and he's WAY to old to book play dates for. If we go out with another couple, I have to keep talking and on guard for him to say something rude or provoking - I'm tired. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (5 January 2010):
I think you need to ask him why he has to antagonise other people so much.
WHY does he feel the need to do it? Is it a defence mechanism, that no one will pick a fight with the mad snarling dog? Is it because he thinks he's better than them so it gives him the ego boost a school bully gets.
I think you need to tell him off over the small things. And get him to try and be nice to someone just once a day. It can be his new years resolution to do something nice for a stranger.
Then be extra nice to him when he DOESN'T pick any arguments.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (5 January 2010):
You are describing my ex husband. Perfect to me, family and close friends; a terror to everyone else. Fist fights everywhere we went so much so that it got to the point where I knew the drill that when that look came over his face, I would quickly go sit in the car to let him finish up. Eventually, when we would go anywhere special, I would say to him 'best behaviour please darling' then would watch him restrain himself all evening or give me those "no he didn't" glances when someone said something that would usually set him off. In restaurants I told him that our food will be spat on if he kept on being so rude. Ok enough said; solution: there is probably nothing you can do really. I would say as long as he behaves to you and your family then that should be what matters. Nobody is perfect and maybe you should just accept his personality. Just give strong warnings prior when visiting with special people. As for everybody else at the grocery store and the traffic lights (cops included in my case), that's their own funeral.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): Hello. Try introducing him as...my boorish husband! I had a similar husband. I met him over a sobbing girl co worker that he had offended! I was very blunt to him about upsetting her and he fell for me straightaway, because no one had ever challenged his behaviour before. Go figure!
Your husband obviously behaves very well at home with you and the family. So hes proved he can do it. The trick is to extend that outside your home. Start by short trips to the supermarket. Give him marks out of ten for being courteous to other shoppers. When you do double date with him, warn the other couple before hand that he has challenging behaviour, but hes working on it and doesnt mean to cause offence. If he is keen to make friends he may just be trying too hard and getting anxious and then it becomes another case of...open mouth, insert foot! Also if he knows you are waiting for him to say something wrong this may make him anxious too. I hope he can overcome his antisocial behaviour. My ex husband did eventually.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): My first husband was the other way round.
Lovely to everyone in public and somebody else behind closed doors
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (5 January 2010):
 You seem to love him, and seem to want to help him. I applaud you for that. Sit him down and let him know how you feel. Maybe he just doesn't know that he is being a jerk.
I used to golf with this guy who was no a great golfer, but had a temper like a tour pro. If he missed a putt or sliced a drive, he would throw his clubs. Other than the golf course he was the greatest friend in the world. He was just so competetive, he couldn't see how he was acting. One day after a frightning round with him, I pulled him aside and told him that he was a jackass on the course. He was pissed that his best friend would say that to him but to this day, he hasen't thrown a club. Now I got the best of both worlds. A best friend on and off the course.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 January 2010):
Ask yourself one question. Do you love him? Then, consider really talking to him about it and going to counselling if you have to. You can't change him, but if he sees it maybe he can change himself (though it's unlikely). The reason I want you to ask yourself whether you love him or not, is because depending whether you want to be with him or not depends on what you do. Think carefully.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): Maybe he has some form of social anxiety.
Does he want to change? and does he want friends?
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