A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Married with 3 children under 8 years and as I thought happy. My husband has told me he had a fling with a colleague at work about 2 years ago. According to him it was a lustful affair but he didnt sleep with her. After a few weeks he finished with her and in his words came to his senses. He said he had to tell me as it was eating into him. We were so happy and now he tells me this. He is full of remorse and said he learned FROM IT how imporant me and his family were to him. It's a month since he told me and I have tried to put it behind me as I know I have a good marriage. Can anyone please tell me how I CAN COME THROUGH THIS.
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female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 I have found that forgiveness is a day-to-day things. It doesn't all happen in one shot:some days you will hate him and others you will remember why you fell in love with him. And that's okay. It's part of the process. Don't be hard on yourself because you're angry or haven't been able to put it behind you; this is new information and you probably still haven't gotten a straight answer as to why this happened in the first place. I think you will find it easier to begin to rebuild once there is full disclosure. You can get through this, but it won't happen overnight. Please remember to be kind to yourself as you go through this process.
A
female
reader, scrambled brain  +, writes (30 October 2009):
Hi,
You may have read some of my posts. I discovered my husband having a texting affair over a year ago and then he got a secret phone for another 8 months until I discovered that. The first time one of her texts mentioned that they'd done nothing yet much to my relief but who knows in the other 8 months. He swears all that further contact was work related as she was secretary for the committee he chaired.
It has also come to light that back in 2001 he bought her predecessor on the committee a Tiffany heart pendant. I had discovered this on his visa bill at the time but he lied as to what the actual item of jewellery was and why he bought it. He has now made up another cock and bull story that she was ill at the time and told him it was cancer and he bought it to 'cheer her up'. Generous hey??
Anyway, it's now been well over a year and things are getting worse as I keep delving and finding things such as more old texts on another phone and more suspicious things on his visa bills from that era such as big amounts at record stores. It is constantly eating me away and causes many arguments but we love each other to bits, daft as it sounds.
What I can't understand is why he suddenly told you of his own accord? Do you think his remorse story rings true or was he under some threat (maybe by her I don't know).
Also what does he mean by a lustful affair? Has he told you any details?
I hope you cope better than me although it doesn't sound too bad if that is the whole truth and he came clean for the right reasons.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): I guess it all depends on how you personally define your relationhip with your husband. If you base the solidity of your relationship solely on your sexual fidelity then you will have to figure out a way to get past it.
However, if you look at your entire relationship from top to bottom including:
does he make you laugh?
do you miss him when he is gone?
does he light up your life when he returns from work?
does he treat you well?
does he truly listen to you?
does he show that he cares how you feel?
does he take care of you when you are sick?
does he ever do little nice things like buy you flowers for no reason?
can you talk to him about anything?
do you actually like spending time with him?
.
.
.
THINK OF A FEW ON YOUR OWN
If you can answer YES to many or most of the items above then you have proven that your relationship with your husband is deeper than sex. With that knowledge, you can put that one indiscretion behind you and forgive him. Forgive him for all of the other reasons that you love him.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 I'm sorry this happened and I am sorry your husband told you. He felt badly, so to make himself feel better, he purged his bad feelings onto you. Now he can comfort himself with saying, “I was honest,” while you suffer. This was a second selfish move (the first being the affair).
Only you can determine how you can overcome this news. You are better aware of the strengths of your relationship than anyone here will be.
Feel free to allow yourself to go through the emotions. Give yourself as much time as you need. Feel and express anger, remorse, sadness, heart-break, broken trust as you see fit. Allow whim to work hard to "make it up to you". You have decided to forgive him, but that doesn’t mean that you alone should be left to carry the burden of his misbehaviour. It doesn’t mean you should be treating him as though nothing happened.
Of course, this is not a long-term solution. If you allow negative feelings to fester too long, they can take root and be harder to overcome.
When in private and tired of feeling yucky, I would try to pretend it never happened. If it hadn't happened, you wouldn't be thinking of it, right? You wouldn't feel angry and crummy. You'd be happy. I always find that if I "fake it until I make it", I will eventually feel the way want.
To help me get started, I pamper myself. It sounds like your husband owes you some babysitting while you take a long bubble bath with a glass of wine, doesn’t it? ;-)
Good luck, friend.
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