A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé has terminal cancer and has asked me if I want a baby to look after me when he's gone. I feel so confused because we had talked about getting married and having a child together before he was diagnosed and it was something we had both wanted. Now I feel it would be lovely to have his child, but can't help thinking about the sadness of bringing up a child without a dad, not to mention the financial and emotional side of things. I don't want him to be upset if I say no because I love him dearly. I already have two children from a previous marriage and can't help thinking about the impact it will have on them to lose their step dad, as they have already had to witness their dad (my ex husband) having a stroke and divorce. I thought things were going to get better when I met a new man who is so caring and wonderful. What should I do? A part of me would love to keep a part of him, but I'm so afraid, it's hard enough as it is knowing how ill he is.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (6 January 2013):
This is tough, no doubt about it. The thing to remember is that although he’s asked if you’d want a baby to look after you when he’s gone, the reality is that you’ll be looking after it for many years. Think also about the fact that as his cancer progresses he is going to get sicker, weaker, and need a lot more support both physically and emotionally. So will your children, and so will you. Incidentally if you haven’t read about or experienced the end stages of terminal cancer, please read Macmillan’s information. It may be distressing and upsetting but will help you prepare for what’s ahead, and of course this should go alongside advice from his specialist who can advise on the likely progression of his illness.
Could you cope with a baby on top of that? If you really think so and you want it, then encourage him to write a letter for the child to be given to it when its older because remember this child is going to grow up without a father. That’s going to be a huge loss, remember you don’t just grieve for what you had and lost, but equally for what you never had. How is your fiancé going to make himself known to this child when he’s not alive to be present in his life? Memory boxes, letters and other such things are all helpful to those left behind. But as impossible as it may seem it’s a huge decision and one you can’t make just to make him happy I’m afraid. Whether you have his baby or not, you’re not going to forget him. When people leave us with an abundance of special memories to treasure, the fact that they’re dead doesn’t mean they don’t continue to have a significant presence in our lives. I’m sure he feels his family (you and your kids) are enough for him, he’s just worrying about you coping after his death. It’s quite common for a dying person to try and adjust circumstances in such a way as to help their loved ones best cope when the time comes but you need input in to that conversation. He won’t want you left with a baby you can’t cope with or don’t want. He will die surrounded by people who love and care for him and that’s what he ultimately wants, and to have some reassurance that those left behind will be able to cope. He won’t mind if you correct his understanding of what will best help, if that doesn’t involve a baby you either want or could cope with.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 January 2013):
 Hi
So sorry to read this,how sad for you all and I can totally understand why he would suggest a baby.
Its emotional v practical isn't it? I really wouldn't want to give advice as it's only something you can decide.If you decided to go ahead there is always the chance you may not conceive in time.
Strength to you all. x
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