A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and IMarried 1.5yrs together 10.We are both nurses and we moved from one side of the country to the other 1.5 years ago. When we moved my husband worked temp jobs for a little while and I did not seek employment do to anxiety and depression following being assaulted at my prior job by another staff member. My husband only sent out a few applications and didn't really try very hard to get a great job. (As nurses from the other side of the country we are use to not having to put that much effort into finding a job. Nursing facilities are usually begging us!) The Temp agency had been sending him to this school to work as a nurse, and the school offered him 20k less (they have great benefits and 5k of free tuition a year) than what he would be worth as a hospital nurse. He had been a hospital nurse on the other side of the country. I think my stress maybe rubbing off on him due to the fact that he claims that it is to stressful, hard, etc. He is enrolling in school to go back for his masters, we are both in great health and really don't use the benefits that much. I am angry at my husband for settling for a job that pays much less than what he is worth. He claims that he can study at this job less stress. Etc. Should I be angry at him for taking this job? Would you be angry at your spouse for taking this job if you knew they had bills to pay and credit card debt?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): Just to get this absolutely sure- if the situation were reversed, and you wanted to re-train or get your masters??
I honestly think you might expect him to support you with his Large Savings Account, let alone be supportive of you getting a lower paid that was supportive of your training whilst HE stayed at home all day living off HIS Large Savings Account??
Is this a marriage or a financial arrangement with live-in benefits? Is he there just to half your bills of because you love him with all that you are and all that you own?
I'm not suggesting that you sign over everything to him- but to resent that he is working and doing his masters whilst you're sat at home living off your savings account and resenting that he isn't on as high a salary as YOU'd want him to be??
You are "angry" that your husband is working hard towards self-improvement. Your husband must feel so unloved.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): So you have a joint mortgage? I hope your husband contributes towards the mortage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): ***I am the poster of this question****
I have a large savings account so I don't have to worry.
We saw an attorney before we got married and everything is seperate except the house which I pay the mortgage for.
Thanks for your opinion!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): A relationship, especially in marriage, is about give and take...you say you have paid off your debts, and you refuse to pay off his, but since you haven't been working, doesn't that mean he's been supporting you? Has he not contributed to bills and your food and your lifestyle? Just because you've paid off your own debt doesn't mean that you're done. You entered into a partnership. His debt is now YOUR debt.
While him taking a lower paying job right NOW might cause some problems, you have to look at things in the long run. He's obviously NOT doing it cause he's lazy or anything like that, he wants to do well in school so he can get a better job. It seems to me like he's willing to sacrifice money now for a better future. It's his decision and he has every right to do this. You can be angry about it, yes. You can be disappointed. You can even bring these facts to his attention. But at some point you need to understand that he is not doing this to cause harm, but ultimately, a greater good.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (17 January 2010):
 I employ someone with a 30 + year history of mental illness and anxiety disorder that manifests in panic attacks among other issues. She manages to be a productive member of society and contribute to her family, so I think it is not out of the question for you to help support your family unit whilst your hubby tries to better his education and therefore job options. Even a part time job would help.
It is not fair tho for you to sit at home not contributing because you say you are stressed, but then object to him taking a position that helps his stress levels whilst also furthering himself. That is a double standard. So is saying you wont pay debt he has accumulated whilst you are happy to have him support you on a day to day basis. How'd ya be if he just up and decided he was no longer going to pay to feed you? A marriage should be about team work and mutual support.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): Please can we ask the OP again, are you working or not?
That is the only way we can answer your question properly.
Please can you post back about this?
You may be getting unfairly criticised for not working so please let us know if you are.
If you are not, and there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY you can contribute anything, then there is no way you have any right to criticise what your husband decides to do. It's entirely up to him. You should support his decision to try and make a better future no be angry with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): If your money accounts are your own and you can support yourself then what is the problem? As long as he doesn't expect you to pay for everything then why should you be angry? He wants to go back to school and has found a job which will allow him to do that, even if it pays less than before. You cannot and should not try to stop him acheiving what he wants to do just because it doesn't bring in so much money for the forseeable future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): You go find a job. Anxiety, depression. While these are real they should be used as excuses to not go find a job.
He's looking at things in the long run. Yea the job pays less now but after he graduates it'll pay way more down the road for when you all have kids, etc.
I'm sorry to break it to you but when you get married debt becomes both parties responsibility. If you aren't working right now, you are still living with him, sharing light, water, food, etc. He has no problem paying that for you but you are being selfish saying you won't work to pay off thingsfor him.
I feel sorry for your husband. You should want to help him out and stand by him instead of giving him such a hard time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): Ok, so I assume you are not working.
Does he actually expect you to pay off his debts? If so then no he shouldn't have taken a lower paying job if it means you have to bail him out.
On the other hand, if he doesn't expect you to pay off his debt then I can completely see the reasoning behind him wanting to go back to school and improve his prospects. I'm going to do that this coming year. It means I won't have much money but when the course finishes I will hopefully have a more rosy future and better qualificatons.
If I managed my own finances and didn't need to rely on my partner's money then I wouldn't have a problem with him taking a lower paid job if it means he can follow his dream and go back to school. Why should I? I have my own income to use and it's entirely his decision. Never mind what he should be earning, he has decided to look at the wider picture and wants to make a better life for himself by going back to school. What's wrong with that? As long as there is enough to get by then I think it's ok.
I am assuming you don't work as you haven't replied to a couple of direct questions on this. If that's the case then I don't think you have a right to complain at all. And if you are suffering from depression or stress then you should get some treatment for that to help you get back into work. You say this new job has good health benefits. Could you not try and access these to help you out?
I don't think we can really answer your question properly unless we know whether you work or not. But either way, I think it is up to your husband what he decides to do, as long as he doesn't rely on you financially.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (17 January 2010):
 So, are you working yourself or not?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 January 2010):
If I knew that bills had to be paid, I wouldn't be entirely happy about it. However, it's not like he just took a lower paid job for no reason. He took it because of the benefits and the tuition. Though I'm sure you're angry, it's kind of important that you accept he has decided to do this, because if you don't and he thinks you're trying to stop him from achieving his dream, he will be rally angry and blame you. Also remember that his masters might enable him to get a far better job as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): Are you working at all?
I think that only if you are working, or completely incapable of working, can you make judgements about what your husband decides to do as far as his working career is concerned.
Can you get back to us on this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): Aunt say:
Accept that your husband has taken a lower paying job so he can study for a better paying job and you go and get a job to help pay the bills.
Tell him you are sorry that you have moved to the other side of the country where employment opportunities and wages are less and ask him to move back to the other side where you can both get good paying jobs
**I am the poster of this question:
The jobs on this side of the country PAY 20k more. There are less jobs right now or so I have been told.
My Money accounts are not his and I am not going to pay for his debt. I paid mine off.
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A
female
reader, lola29  +, writes (17 January 2010):
i understand how it can be quite ridiculous for him to settle for that much when you have so many bills to pay. But at the same time, if stress is a major factor in ruining both ur lives. He's really trying to reduce that on himself and you too, and especially since he's the more active one, he has you to depend on him. Has he talked to you before taking the job? If He hadnt then thats really selfish, im guessing since ur not working he thinks he's on his own to find something thats suitable for himself but forgets theres another person to take care of. This better be temporary, well all until he feels better and you feel better. Then tell him or advise him he needs to find a better job to settle everything out.
You guys dont want to live literally working for every cent of everything you owe.
Don't be angry when talking to him and don't stress urself out. Maybe this is a good decision for now, and then he needs to take the responsibility to level up.
Hope everything goes smoothly.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (17 January 2010):
 I see you as having several options.
Stay home and accept your husband is taking a lower paying job which will give him time to study in order to get a better paying job, and accept there will be less money for a time.
Accept that your husband has taken a lower paying job so he can study for a better paying job and you go and get a job to help pay the bills.
Tell him you are sorry that you have moved to the other side of the country where employment opportunities and wages are less and ask him to move back to the other side where you can both get good paying jobs
or
Tell him under no circumstances will you allow him to take this lower paying job and to stuff his dreams of further studies to better his employment chances where the light dont shine and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): I am the poster of this question.
The question is Would you be angry at your spouse if they took a job that paid 20k less than what they should be making? Or be happy that he is working for a job that gives you 5k for going back to school a year and good health beneifts that you hardly use?
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