A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband is a very popular man and has lots of female friends and ex lovers. I knew all about these women before I married him but since then have begun to hate his contact with these people especially his ex flames. He says that I am insecure and that he is not going to stop talking to these woman as they are friends that he has had for a long time and he doesn't turn his back on friends. I have explained to him that I don't like it and now he has started keeping in touch with these woman behind my back as he obviously can't cope with the grief that he gets from me when he does it openly. I cannot understand why one would want to keep in contact as my view is that when a relationship is over it is over and that you don't keep in touch otherwise the other person may be holding a light or hoping for some kind of rekindlement. My husband thinks of them as friends and he would help them in any way if asked. This is beyond my thought process, surely if he wanted to keep in contact and help them he should have stayed with them. I feel very jealous and insecure about this contact and although I have had a fair number of men friends myself I do not keep in contact with them and wouldn't as I think it is wrong. Deep down I feel that he is looking to get back with the women although he says that he isn't and that he may be talking about personal things about me with them which I really don't like. Please what are your thoughts on this kind of thing?
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female
reader, Sweet.Tooth  +, writes (13 April 2011):
I understand you completely. My partner is a musician with a long list of lovers. I had less. He keeps contact with some of them (I think only some) and I have a lot of problems with that. Maybe an occasional email but I will not consider normal to have a regular relationship with an ex unless you had kids with them or she was a childhood friend. I keep sporadic contact with exes but it is very rare. I really don't care, don't want to keep contact with them. I wish them well but they are not my friends. There is family, friends and ex-lovers. An ex-lover is not a friend, even if you ended nicely.
The time he is spending with these people can be yours.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Your views are noted. The one thing,is if a certain behavior makes you insecure,make sure you are never found to be doing secretly the same. His is in the open. Can leave a very bitter taste. Insecurity stems from what you would do or have done,its wrong to judge likewise. You have made the right choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses especially to the anonymous married man as I think this is exactly where my husband is coming from!
Knowing myself I will never feel comfortable with this and will alwys feel that something is going on behind my back or may be about to start so for me it is time to move on and find someone who does not behave like that. Thank you to all once again for reading my posts and for bothering to reply.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 My original comments stand, if you had a problem or concern with him being friends with former lovers you should have discussed it before you married him.
Waiting until after you were married makes it look (and I am not saying this is how it is, just how it appears) that you were keeping quiet until marriage and now you are trying to exert your authority over him, and trying to get him to give up friendships he had prior to meeting/marrying you.
The fact that the situation is now upsetting because you are his wife could be making him ask himself how come they weren't upsetting when you were planning to marry. Whats the difference now?
I still beleive you need to accept his friends. The time for you to let him know you didnt like them was BEFORE you married him.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur +, writes (8 January 2011):
 Your life - your choice - either except it or leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): I understand your follow-up post and understand you're concern about how he seemingly needs to feel a connection with past lovers.
I'm the married man who stays in contact with women who posted below. I think I also have stronger connections with old lovers because a part of my personality always wanted to confirm that they really were attracted to me, and into me at one time. If we "went our separate ways" and never contacted again that always seemed to me to leave the possibility that they didn't ever really like me or I had somehow turned them off, etc.
I guess what I'm saying is that he probably stays in contact with him because that's how he protects his ego to a certain degree. I think I do that too, and I don't cheat, nor do I want to cheat. I just don't like the thought of someone I was close to now disliking me. I guess it's hard to explain. It's probably a bit of a self-esteem issue if you really analyze it, but I think it's innocent, at least with me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): It may be that the relationships are different to the ones you had with many men friends you had so he is looking at it different.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not sure if all people really understand where I am coming from here. What I am unhappy about is the kind of emotional dependency he has with women he has slept with over the years and the obvious need he has to talk to them. I don't think it is right to maintain 'friendships' with ex lovers as I do believe one side is always hoping for more or there is the possibility that they could be used in a fallback situation if things didn't work out with me. My husband says they move from ex lovers to friends and that he will always be there for his friends. I really cannot follow that line of thought and it has caused a massive wedge between us as he will not accept my 'baseless insecurities' as he calls it. My comment is that if something is upsetting your wife so much would you continue to do it? In effect he has chosen to maintain contact with them rather than have me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): he has known them longer than you. they probably know him better so you need to let him breathe.your pettty mindedness is going to make a mess of your partnership.grow up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): If his personality is jealous then he could be very well up to no good.If he`s never suspicious and fairly easy,chances are its innocent.I dont know how often he`s in contact but if its all the time he needs to start respecting your feelings a bit more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): I'm a married man and almost all of my friends are women. Some of them are "old flames" and some of them just good friends. Some of my female friends are married, some are in relationships, some are single. I text and email most of them occasionally and some of them all the time, even almost daily. In fact, I frequently (2-3 times per week) hang out with one or more of them at happy hour after work and have a few drinks.
But I go home every night to my wife and I don't cheat. Does the opportunity to cheat come up now and then? Of course it does, but I usually drift away from those that are clearly wanting an affair. It's just that I get along well with women and I like to feel appreciated by women.
I don't hide any of my freindships from my wife, but I would if she started giving me grief about it. Trust me, he is not going to stop having female friends if you grief him about it all the time, he's just going to hide it.
My advice is to leave him alone about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): If that woman were a real and honest friend, she would be approaching your friendship as a couple. She would be addressing emails and/or communications to the 2 of you. That is the respectful way to interact with a friend of the opposite sex who is married.
Your husband will not change his behaviour by pressuring him to stop being secretive and by judging his actions as wrong.
What I would do? To show him exactly how you feel, find a good male friend from your past and do the exact same thing. Be a good friend with him and don't share that friendship with your husband.
See how that goes down with him!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): It all depends what character your husband has, is he a possessive man by nature?
Some men do have problems letting go of people from their past, especially ones who treated them well and made them feel loved or appreciated, even if they finished for whatever reasons.
The post below is probably correct in that some men just like to feel they have a back up plan in case they need that extra, whether physical or emotional, or even both.
If you are giving your husband everything he needs, emotionaly, physically, you have lots in common and get along well, there should not be any reason he needs to have all these women from his past right here with him in his present. You should be enough!
Unfortunately for you, some men just like to have that attention and availability all the time. It just depends on you and if you can cope with it or not for the long haul, only you know that.
P.S. is his star sign Taurus?, they really have trouble letting go of any women from their past, even if treated badly by them, and also need a lot of female attention constantly!,,,just a thought!!!
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): he must be a good lover if they all stay in touch with him. you need to keep him interested.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): I sometimes wonder if people are only insecure because they judge others by their own behaviour and actions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): We only keep ex lovers in the present for a reason. Why do some of us? that availability if we need it they will hookup with us when we are feeling low or we aren't being appreciated or just variety. Men don't do anything unless theres a use for it so think like a man and you have your answerhe's gaslighting you by trying to make it out that you are the insecure. Why? he needs to keep a rotary of women on speed dial for easy access. they aren't friends, they are fallback booty. Why do these exes hang around and wait there turn? that one chance he may have feelings and give them that reward of a relationship. What keeps them in the queu vying for his affections? he presents himself as the unappreciated married guy who doesn't get it at home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): You must have known this before you married him? you cannot just now start saying "Stop all contact!" you made your bed
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur +, writes (7 January 2011):
Your husband can cheat anywhere at anytime if he so chooses...asking him to stop seeing his friends is shameful....He is not a possession, you dont own him just because you are married. He is your lover, partner, He chose to marry you, did that mean he had to scarafice his friendships! next it will be his family?
His friendships are important to him. he is in love with you but you are creating a rift...he has been upfront about his friends right from day 1 - what changed?
We all have different opinions on what is right and what is wrong but he is doing nothing wrong other than love his friends. Wether it be female or male. Grow up. If there is no trust there is no marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): would you rather he hid everything? out in the open generaly means its innocent. wait until you catch him hiding and lying. if youre worried he` s talking about personal things then you must be giving him something he needs to talk to some one about and you want it kept secret.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Why are you allowing your husband to stay lovey dovey with his girlfriends? They're not exgfs because they still depend on one another emotionally. You let him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): His behavior is unacceptable. If his exs' meant so much to him than why aren't they still together. He has not let go of them. He having emotional affairs with all of them right in your face. If he was my husband I would divorce him pronto.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 January 2011):
He married you, he didnt marry them.
You knew all about his female friends, and that some of them were ex lovers before you married him, THAT was when you should have expressed your concerns. That was also the time to discuss this, and how you both appear to view former relationships differently. Bringing it up now looks like you are trying to control his friends and his life.
I think you need to keep your insecurities in check, and accept the fact your husband intends keeping in touch with his old friends.
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