A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband has had an affair with a girl nearly half my age. He says it's over and it was just because it boosted his self esteem to have wild sex with a uninhibited teen and he only wanted her for one thing. I never met her but she has been with my husband in hotels and I found out a few days ago that she lived in my house for a week while I was away with my mother. He said I knew everything weeks ago but this is a new revelation. He went out for the first time since and in the morning there was a text from her saying did he get home safe and hoped tonight wouldn't affect their working relationship. He says nothing happened but he said it was a one night stand which actually was an affair. He said she never came to my house but she moved in for a week. I've been at my mum recently WAS she here again? If he was lying before how can I believe him now. He is treating me really well now before I knew about the affair he was horrible to me which confuses me more. I feel down all the time, thinking about what happened in my bed( he didn't even change the duvet I could smell perfume, clue #1 to findinding out)thinking about what I may not know and how I can't compete with a teen girl. Everything that I know I either found clues or she told me on the phone before he admitted it. We have three children and I hate them seeing me upset but it happens. How can I trust him again and stop torturing myself with the details of his affair with teen?
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affair, moved in, one night stand, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Thanks I will look into Relate, I bought the Relate book on the subject and read the whole book this afternoon, I don't think he will go but I will see about seeing them on my own. I don't have any girl friends as I have moved around with his job and he and the children have been my life. Not a great life but he's the only one I would turn to now I don't beleive a word he says. I wish I had the courage to make a better life for myself and my children on my own. I would have said before that I would have left if he had an affair but I don't understand why I haven't got the courage. Thanks to all for advise
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (22 August 2007):
 Hey - just seen your last post. Telephone Relate and go and have one or two sessions with them - or look up in your phone book for Counselling/Marriage Guidance. Its not just for couples - they will see you on your own to discuss your problems. Do it now - you hvae nothing to lose - it will help you cope and help you feel a bit better. You may start finding it becomes overwhelming at times - but if you have a date in the diary with Relate or similar it will help you. Have you got a good friend you can lean on ?? Contact her - swear her to secrecy and talk for hours - it will help. Keep posting on this website - it will help you as well. Keep talking and telling - it helps relieve the pressure - will stop you doing something crazy. If you can - try reading - the newspaper - a hobby book - a biography - anything; it will give your brain a rest from the constant swirling thoughts in your head. Sorry this is happening to you. Keep posting each day.
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female
reader, alvendahahn  +, writes (22 August 2007):
 honestly . i have the same probleme like yours . but i am the "teenager" . well what i have to tell you is , trust your husband . and you two have to hang out together often .
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've just found out they booked their holiday together and stayed 24hrs a day for 6 days in my home. I can't cope
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male
reader, Charlie84  +, writes (20 August 2007):
Don't leave with out a plan and don't be afraid to ask others for help. Set aside small amounts of money and prepare for the time you set for when you want to move out. When the time you've set for you to leave has arrived then DO IT. Don't hesitate or make excuses. You've come to this decision to leave, made plans etc so don't let your self second guess the decision you've made. If you've come this far you know it must be true to what you want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice I have been mental abused by his previous behaviour and now he is nice to me I have to endure the pain of knowing what he did. I don't think I know the full story but I know from past lies (not being in my house for a whole week) he said there's no point it would have hurt me more. Yes it did but I prefer the truth. I would find it really difficult to leave now as I am about to give birth to the third child.
She doesn't understand why I have called her she doesn't take any responsibility for her actions. Apologised for the affair proclaimed she thought it was over with us and didn't know I was pregnant. She knew everything and proceeded to sleep with him again that evening. That was when he realised that he wanted to come home. I thought I would say no but he came begged and I let him back. I feel so weak mentally and physically. The affair happened while I was pregnant (Terrible morning sickness) and finishing my university course. At least I finished before I found out or I would have failed. I just found out I passed but the happiness for that has been diminished. I don't see my marriage as permanent anymore I know I must plan for my and my childrens future as if I was alone. I must make my life better but how can I just leave now?
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reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (19 August 2007):
You can't trust him. He says he did it for only one reason, but what kind of an idiotic excuse is that? That one thing, was a very BIG thing. And she admitted things to you? What does she think about all this? He's a pile of crap. Leave him. I know you have kids, but you will suffer and it will show, then the kids will suffer and your family will be dysfunctional. It is better to split and be a functional parent and let them have a dysfunctional family. You can't hide your pain from the kids forever. What if one day your kids find out that you allowed yourself to me mentally and emotionally tortured on their behalf? They won't understand the split at first, but will in time, especially when they get to high school and realize that they are the age of the girl their own father had sex with on the side.
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reader, bemused  +, writes (19 August 2007):
 The other posters make good points here. It comes down to trust and your trust has been deeply violated. Add pain you feel at the betrayal and the resultant loss of self esteem and you have a difficult situation here. You are not alone. This situation has happened to friends of mine and if I look at the outcome it was a fifty fifty split. Some of these relationships survived...some did not. I agree with other posters here that it all comes down to what you can live with and what your husband does and how committed he is to stepping up and coming forward to you. Right now you are in two steps forward three steps back situation. The fact that he did treat you well before this happened does not sound good either. If I were you I would be receptive to amends he would make but you must keep your dignity too. Wait and watch and see what he does. You need to be assured that he will not do this again. Hold your ground. Some people do not want divorce because of the financial fallout and it is a real concern...paticularly with children. I would suggest that you work on saving your marriage but check into your financial situation should a split come. I wish you the best hun...keep us posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): Hey - I have just read your story. Very hurtful. Won't be easy to get this out of your mind and forget. Should not even expect to - it can't be forgotten until it is resolved for you in some way. Sounds like you're questioning your future. Three children has a big affect on your thinking. Only you can decide what is best - people can give you suggestions. If it were me I would first ask myself - Do I still see my future with this person? If Yes then I would have a serious meeting along the lines - the affair must be fully and completely over. Any further hint/text/indication that he's still maintaining some sort of relationship (even texting each other) means end to your realtionship. Also any future affair will also result in end to relationship. He has to take full responsibility if his future behaviour results in break up of family. It is not your resposibility - you can only react/respond to his future behaviour. If he shows willing - and tries to make amends, shows genuine regret then this will help you forget & trust. If he doesn't - then you are not going to forget and trust - the consequences for which he takes responsibility. Also - you could put your question to him " How can I trust you again " - he has to come up with some solutions to help you trust him again - after all he's the one that's created this situation - so he should be the one that makes the most effort to resolve it. Good Luck.
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reader, Charlie84 +, writes (19 August 2007):
Nobody can tell you how to cope and deal with being cheated on. I was cheated on twice by the same person and even though that was years ago and we are no longer together it still hurts to know that the trust you take for granted was broken.
Even though it did hurt to know I was cheated on I was able to cope with it more than I am sure most people because we were at long distances for an extended period of time and young. You could take that as just an excuse though and there should never be any excuse for why someone breaks that trust and bond.
But in the end it is up to you and you alone to forgive him and don't stay in the marriage unhappy just for the sake of the kids because that's not at all a healthy relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): You didn't do anything wrong. Leave him [or chuck him out], why should you stay when he treats you like this? You deserve much better as he had an affair and tried to make it look ok because it was for an 'ego boost'.
I really hope your ok. xx
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