A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 34 years old w/ 3 children -2 boys (16 and 13) and a girl (8). My husband and I became friends first. We talked until all hours of the night (he was still with a girl he had been with through high school- 9 years). We saw each other a few times secretly and then it became more and more. We then finally decided to be together. He was everything I ever wanted in a man and still is. After 3 months he proposed. After a year we got married and have been married for 3 years. He knew I had 3 children and I knew he had a daughter. My oldest is now 16. He is a typical teenager- has to have the last word, doesn't keep his room clean and so on. BUT, he is not in trouble with the law, he doesn't do drugs and he does not abuse me or anyone else (even though his 13 year old brother would sometimes disagree). He is a good kid but for some reason my husband is so hard on him. At times I have to come in between them because my sone tries to stand his ground. Another issue we had was a year ago my stepdaughter told her mother I hit her ( I would never!) so of course that got the state involved and it was dismissed. I will say... my husband never thought I did. My marriage is taking a huge toll, not only because of the teenagers but my husband says I'm not the same person I was when we got together. I admit I kind of am not as confident or secure with myself as I once was. I'm not sure why. My son did a stupid thing the other night- he talked back to my husband. It wasn't called for I agree but didn't warrant him leaving me and telling me he wanted a divorce. We own 2 houses one of which is being renovated. What would he do if we didn't have the other house? Would it be so easy to leave? Not once through the incident with his daughter did I ever threaten to leave or ever think about it. I love him so much. I can't imagine being without him. Is it worth saving? I think so. Does he? I'm not sure. I realize I have issues to work on but who doesn't? Isn't leaving the easy way out? What do I do? Give him his space and maybe he'll come back? I can't eat or sleep. I feel useless. I know my kids need me. Does it get any easier?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, he hasn't filed for divorce... yet. I spoke with him today. He says he still cares about me but cannot say he loves me. I guess that's a step. All I can do is understand what he sees has changed in me and go from there. I see some of what he says has changed that I haven't seen in the past. I am working towards finding my center. What else can I do... I can't make him come back. I grew up with a native american mother who has one of the best outlooks on life. She has always told me to "walk in balance". I guess I stepped away from that for a while. It is time to find "Me" again. I have been talking with my cousin who is a trained grief counselor at Boston Medical Center and is a wonderful person to talk to. He has a very open heart, a soft voice and does not judge me or my feelings. He says it will be long and hard but to have "patience". Patience is a very difficult thing for me. I am the type of person who likes to see results right away. I need to learn to be truthful to myself first. Thanks to those who gave me great advice.
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Sounds like you have been so battered down by the kids things that you have lost yourself and probably aren't the same person you used to be. Who would be!
I expect your kids found it hard to adjust, its not like they were that young when you met your hubby.
Alarm bells ring a bit at the speed he got you down the aisle though! Bit impulsive is he?
Fly by nights are nutoriously hard to pin down for any length of time, and the fact he was with someone else when you got together speaks volumes.
But as to if its worth saving, only you know that.
If he has thrown a strop and moved out, all you can do is wait n see. Begging him to come bak is a bad move.
Sounds like a lot of a rollercoaster to me!
How was it when it was just you and the kids before he came along?
C xxxxx
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