A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:It will be a year this month since I remarried. My husband has changed. I said no, to his 46 year old brother moving in who they claim to be slow but runs the streets with the worst kind. His mom 76 years old visited us for the first time asking where we get this or that from down to my gold clock then she asked for a portrait for her adopted son but left it over her daughters house. I said no to him giving his mom or drug recovering sister a key to our place. I said no to his visiting his grown daughter and grandchild at his ex wife's house who made an open play for him at the hospital(they was divorce 20 years ago). I objected to her calling his phone at 12:28am and we got in a fuss and she said they are for life. He told her not to call. However when he comes in the house all numbers are deleted for the day. He also ask me why do I come outside to watch him and when I ask why can't I go outside when I want he says I am starting an argument. It’s always an argument if I answer back. I don't know what to do. He's like my best friend and I trust him but I don't trust the rough people that he use to run with that's still calling. His mother makes me feel like she's pushing for his ex to get back with him. And at times it seems that he want to please his mother until he don't want to do certain things for her then he tell her that I said no. His family has alot of problems from a sex offender to gays. I have 9 brothers and sisters and one is bad however he lives in another state. And my family is only supportive and will never try to dismantle a marriage. Please help me I really don't know what I should be or not be doing. When he gets mad because I won’t budge on an issue he always torts that eventually we go our separate ways. But he wants to continue the marriage role. I am worried.
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male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Honestly, someone who deletes all of their call records from their cell phone is very likely hiding something. "What" they're hiding is the question.
The whole going outside thing and the implication or declaration that you are starting an argument is something manipulative that people can do to try to turn things around - they don't want to be questioned for fear of slipping up, so they turn the line of questioning on you and put the blame on you so that you don't ever question something that appears very out of place.
Occam's razor can typically be used at least in the sense that something definitely appears to be off, "what" is off is the question.
I'd start by telling him how you're feeling when he does certain things that make you suspicious. If he asks about why your asking and if you don't trust him - let him know that you do trust him, but that behavior seems amiss and it would help you to feel more at ease if he would help you understand why he does these things. It's a starting point.
Best of luck
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Your words and actions are not corresponding. You say you trust him, but you check his phone to see who he's been talking to, you follow him when he's on a call, you don't trust him to see his ex... Your ACTIONS say the opposite of your words.
Ultimately, marriage (or any relationship for that matter) is about compromise, not cracking the whip. Where is the compromise?
You've got issues with his family. The thing is, they are your family now too. I can understand why you wouldn't want a drug addict to have a key to your house, but keep in mind you're talking about your husband's immediate family. I'm not saying you should trust his family, but they ARE his family, so you need to approach that topic with a bit more care.
When you play the role of the opposition, don't be surprised when these fights ensue. I hope you can work more compromise into your relationship, or at least be open to discussion rather than "I said NO" all the time.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Well you have done your best to try and maintain some order there. All you can do is keep doing what you are doing and hope that some day the others will leave you alone in peace. You don't have to put up with all that, he married you and he should be respecting some of your rules. If he can't cope then maybe he should move back home to mummy.
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