A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 27, and my husband's 29. We have two children, a 4-year-old son and a 5-year-old daughter and have been married for 3 years. On Tuesday when I was checking our email to see if a bid I made on eBay was successful, an email came through from a guy called Jeff saying he wanted to meet my husband, and thanking him for the photos of himself in his underwear and topless.I checked the outbox, and sure enough, I discovered he'd been sending hundreds of emails with pictures of himself in his underwear, or shirtless to this guy.The actual content of the emails was pretty mundane, to say the least.I confronted my husband about this, and he said this guy is just a friend, and one he met online, and he's going to meet him.I said to him that the guy wasn't a friend and that friends don't do this, but he insisted that he is going to meet this guy. Surely my husband should know better than this??I tried asking him why he did what he did, and why he wants to meet this guy, but he said it wasn't important, and that "it's not really your business anyway!"what am I to do about this situation?? I feel very upset about my husband's deceit, and can't understand why he wants to meet this guy.He's even ignored our kids to spend time with the computer - and now having seen the emails, I know why.I'm getting stressed about the situation and just don't know how to cope.sorry if this was long, it's just I really needed to get this off my chest.Jennifer
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Ares  +, writes (25 May 2008):
Your husband is obviously engaging in a activity, or relationship that is not to your liking. You have every right to question any external influence to your marriage, regardless of whether it is male or female in nature. There is some sound advice from Tisha in regards to "Jeff" being a personal trainer of some type. If he is not however you may be in for an answer that you may not want concerning your husbands sexuality. The question is whether you are able to deal with the answer to your question. Letting your husband ride rough shot over your concerns though, is not right. You have the right to be concerned with his behaviour, and expect and be entitled to a honest answer. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 May 2008):
 Sometimes ,it is just a guy to guy thing and women do not understand.
He may want to show off his great physique to this friend .
If you think there is a devil in every corner,
your life will be pretty busy and Fcuked up.
Don't let your imaginations run wild or go off on a wild goose chase.
He is a man and he does not think like you.
What is not appropriate to you may be normal to him in his man's world.
As you said,"Surely my husband should know better than this??"
He is old enough to decide for himself and he is no more a kid.
Give him the benefits of doubt and do not let it interfere with your daily life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Sounds gay to me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Your gut feeling has already told you the answer. There's no need to feel stressed about it. It just is what it is, you'll know what to do in time.
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A
female
reader, RunsWithScissors  +, writes (22 May 2008):
Go get some support from a therapist and tell him that he needs to see one himself or the relationship ends. If he were sending pictures of himself in his underwear to a woman you'd have no problem figuring out what was going on, this is no different, it doesn't matter if the email text was "benign". You have to draw the boundaries and let him know the consequences of crossing them. If he engages in any sexual activity with this or any other person there is the very real risk of he and you getting an STD. If he's ignoring the kids to be on the computer then my guess is he's ignoring you also, and I'm sure that your relationship is suffering.
Your gut is right, there's something odd about this, NEVER ignore your gut. Women want to save their family, that is a very normal instinct, but if you let this go on it won't get any better and it won't pass. You preparing to leave the relationship will either get his attention, or this thing will be more important to him and then you'll know. Don't put your health at risk because he wants to meet some guy, and don't fool yourself into thinking it's just for a cup of coffee, if not now, then later it will be much more than that.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 May 2008):
 This sounds odd to me, too. Is "Jeff" a personal trainer by any chance? I'd be curious as to the contents of the email as well.
I'd have a look at the browser history if I were you too, and check the phone bills.
But it may just be that he's working on his physique...
Well, you're going to have to figure out a way to have a calm, non-confrontational talk with your husband. I don't know what else to advise here. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Then you will just have to live with this being odd and nothing more. If you make more of it, then you could both start fighting and the relationship go down the tubes.
Kids don't always need there parents constant attention, what they need mostly is suprvision ... depending on their age.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): In reply to this, I should add, he said he wasn't gay or bisexual, and that the guy was just a friend.However there's something odd about this that I can't put my finger on...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Jennifer, some blokes and women have to do this, call it mid life or whatever, but it is as if they have to experiment. so maybe it is a phase he justs wants to try before he gets too old. Just a thought.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, babymamma626 +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Oh, and I'd tell him it is your business...say it like this with some attitude..."excusssssse me, this is my buisness thank you very much. I forgot that aren't married and don't have CHILDREN TOGETHER and haven't been living a life together!" I'm just kidding because sarcasm never makes a situation any better...but for real it is your business!
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A
female
reader, babymamma626 +, writes (22 May 2008):
could it be that maybe he has always been bisexual and you've just never known it until now? and now he just seems to be more involved with his sexual attraction to men?
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Seems like he maight be gay ... or bi ... talk to him !!! How is your sex life??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Whoa! Big red flag! He's ignoring your reasonable request to talk about this and he's told you it's none of your business?
This seems very odd to me and I'm not sure what I can say to help other than to suggest that you check out straightspouse.org for some help and possibly see if there's some support for you there as well.
It's time for cornering him and getting some answers. It's not fair to put your marriage and your health at risk if he's on the down low.
Sorry to hear your'e going through this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Our sex life is actually pretty good, in fact. I just don't get why he's doing this though.
Jennifer
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): So how is your sex life? If it is non-existent, then good chance this guy might satisfy his cravings.
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