A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner has become more fearful of COVID now than during the lockdowns; we had three here in England, a fourth one didn't happen.He keeps getting agitated about even having to go out, doesn't want to go to a meal we'd been invited to, fearing people won't be socially distanced, and is paranoid shops will discriminate against him for wearing a mask. He wears a mask when we go out, but keeps getting people harassing him for it, not for the fact he dresses like a bear stereotype, and gets agitated if other people don't wear masks or socially distance; wouldn't even shake hands with my friend when I introduced him to someone I knew from high school, was fearful. On the issue of handshaking, I've thought, it may not be pleasant, but it's got to be done, it's like other small things that aren't pleasant but good social skills.He's fearful of shopping too, doesn't really want to go and I HAVE to coax him to do it. He's like this because shops mostlygot rid of the rule about mask-wearing.I, on the other hand, have had to try and think "It's always going to be around, I can't be in pandemic state of mind forever, good to no longer stay 2m apart or wear a mask, and can see family and friend again".We've been a couple for 15 years now, met when I was 23 in a popular gay bar.We're very different in gender expression - I'm the feminine one and he's the "bear", but have slightly similar outlook on life, not one-to-one, but similar enough, although COVID's proved the biggest problem recently. At first, it caused problems for my family, they were quite surprised since I'd always dated feminine or effeminate men, but he's the exception.Mum and Dad really like him, think he's a great guy.The lockdowns proved to be OK for us; not great, but not awful. We coped, it wasn't the armageddon people were expecting, but it certainly was no long holiday.I couldn't work from home, my partner hated Zoom, and we both missed LGBT social activities. I had to survive on furlough money and take a job as a delivery rider on a motorbike. That was £1,500 well spent on the motorbike. Sure, it's no Harley-Davidson, but it was quick enough for the temporary job. Back to the office in 2 weeks...We're both not big fans of anti-vaxxers, if that makes any sense, i.e. we don't like anti-vaxxers but at the same time respect their right to their opinion.Back to the main issue; my partner's still stuck in "lockdown mode" and he's kept insisting there'll be a fourth lockdown in a few months, even though there's no actual evidence to prove it.Our sex life's stopped, not due to things like chores, but him believing what he's heard online about rumours of a fourth lockdown.He was loving and good sexually, we both tried to please each other and he's romantic, but now that's all gone, I don't know when it'll return.I feel like the old him's temporarily gone and noidea when he'll return.I thought our country was "learning to live with COVID".Who's right and wrong, am I wrong to try and "seize the day" and while not throwing caution to the wind, not become over-paranoid about COVID, or is my partner right, or has he been taken in by pro-lockdowners and conspiracy theorists??I've seen some of the things he's read online, it's often pro-lockdown stuff, and inssiting the UK will have a fourth lockdown in mid-2022. How do those sources KNOW FOR A FACT IT WILL HAPPEN??I'm worried about COVID, but not as much as things like cost of living, heating, fuel bills etc., cost of shopping, COVID comes second or third or fourth after those.This has proved to be our biggest challenge yet in the relationship; rather than jealousy or exes or arguments over finances/bills (quite good on that subject, simialr mindset), COVID's the biggest issue here.Has anyone been in my situation and how can I help him?I'm worried about him, we're supposed to be getting married soon, in 2 years time.I do love him, but am worried over this newfound fear he has about lockdowns.We're out of lockdown in the UK, surely he shouldn't be this agitated? Not sure what it's like for you guys in THE USA.I don't want to seem dismissive of his concerns, but who's right and wrong here? Am I wrong for wanting to learn to live with COVID?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2022): There is no wrong or right, it's a matter of choice. Some people fear death, and some fear getting sick. It's like a phobia, it makes no sense to those who can cope with it; but you also have to be considerate of those who fear. They can't help it.
The grip of fear is hard to break. The news and the internet is relentless in spreading disinformation and confusing advice; so people are caught-up in their fear. Home-confinement has also attributed to some problems with depression and anxiety. For that, you have to see your doctor; and some should seek therapy.
I personally know people who have died of covid. That has made me take the virus more seriously; but because I pray a lot, I'm not so overcome with fears. For those of faith, who read the Bible, the Lord constantly commands us not to fear. He will give us peace, just for the asking. I've taken precautions, and I've been vaccinated. I will not waste any energy on being against anti-vaxxers; they are scared too. They are also confused about the disease, how serious it is, and skeptical about how effective the vaccines are; because they think they were made available too quickly. Others are just being political; because they pledge their allegiance (or cult-worship) to certain political-figures and/or a certain political party. I'm a Christian, I don't have time for that ungodly devilish-nonsense. Politicians are Satan's minion, and politics is just chock full of divisive bluster. Inundated with lies and corruption. People are becoming mean and twisted; and prefer hating each-other to loving each-other, as Jesus instructs us. They listen to trash and disinformation being passed-off for the news; and religiously follow ranting idiots on podcasts that are racist propaganda machines. No God, no peace! Fear prevails! Not in my house!
I know people who haven't gotten vaccinated, and they are just ordinary good-people who are skeptical or afraid. They have been mislead, or they're very cynical by nature. Jesus suggests if we want to win people over to Christ, to do it gently, and by setting the example by how we behave. That's exactly how I will do it. If your partner is afraid, stop trying to change his mind; just gently convince him that you've survived thus far, and you'll just be careful. You'll be by his side the whole time.
The more you try to force people to bend to your will, or way of thinking, the more resistant they'll become; especially when it is due to fear and anxiety.
There may be another variant somewhere down the line; but we know more now than we did two years ago. I pray, and I trust in God. He promised not to let pestilence come near me; and I have faith in His promises. I will live according to my faith, and pray for myself and others. I will not go out of my way to pressure people to think as I do; or condemn people who won't get vaccinated. If they manage to beat the infection and live; that was the will of God. The vaccine only makes the virus less deadly; but that may not be the case for those who are immunocompromised. They should heed the specified medical safety-precautions as given by their doctors. Not some fool on TV or the internet!
I think it is selfish and evil not to care if you infect someone else due to carelessness; and placing your politics above the safety of others. For those who are Christians, we know there will be a Day of Judgement; and we will stand before Christ to account for our deeds. Those who are righteous will not have to worry. I'm not going to have answer for anybody but myself; so what others do is their business. I will defend my rights and protect myself; but I'm not going out of my way to force anything on other people. I will educate those willing to listen, and leave the ignorant to their fate.
You are trying too hard to manipulate how your partner thinks and feels; but there are times when you have to be patient and comforting. Even if all your most sincere efforts don't change how he thinks or behaves. I know you miss sex and need affection; just gently remind him of how you feel.
Pressuring or fighting about it will only drive you apart. Cuddle when you can, and remind him that everything will be okay; even if there is another lockdown. Fear can be debilitating. I allay my fears through prayer, meditation, and having faith. If I get covid, I will still have faith; and I will pray that I don't give it to anyone else. If I die from it, I've tried to live my life for Christ; so I look forward to my reward in the afterlife. Having no hope makes us fearful; but faith has kept me strong in the face of adversity and calamity. I love Jesus, and I'm not ashamed of it. It helps me immensely!
Be kind and be patient with your partner; and do your best to calm him down. Don't try to force him to stop being afraid, it's not that simple. Some are afraid of the dark, some of heights, and some people fear covid. Fear is fear, and time and education usually alleviates the fear of the unknown. We are saturated with information due to the internet and news organizations that compete for audiences. Fear-mongering has become the trend in journalism and entertainment; so people succumb to it when they are addicted to social media, or watch streaming news day-in and day-out. Do your best to distract him, give him massages, make healthy meals, create a relaxing atmosphere within your home; and urge him to turn-off his devices. Watch things that make you feel relaxed and make you laugh!
I will pray for you and your partner. I know this must be extremely frustrating for you. There will be times within our relationships that we have to be the rock; when our significant other is weak. Be there for him. In turn, you will find yourself overwhelmed by worry or fear; and he may have to be the one to assume the role as your rock and protector. It shifts back and forth, and relationships have to endure change and challenges. If you survive them, your bond grows all the stronger. Hang in there!
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (19 March 2022):
 I am sorry for what you are both experiencing. Covid has turned the world upside down. It will never be the same. Never. Everyone has suffered in some way shape or form with dealing with Covid. Some people deal with it better than others.
I am a very anxious person. Covid sent my anxiety skyrocketing into the stratosphere. I Used be a people person. I used to love to go out and shop. Noe I am afraid and avoid people. I have not been in a store in 2 years. I have pretty much become a recluse.
I work from home. All my food and supplies are delivered. I dont leave my home without a mask and gloves. I go for walks and exercise early in the morning or late at night when there is less chance of people. I stay away from others. Why? Because I am afraid. My husband is a doctor. He acts pretty much the same way. He has his own lab and avoids people. Its sad but we feel safer this way.
I know I will never feel safe again. I get very depressed and unhappy in life. I have lost family members to covid. My ex husband basically died because he refused medical treatment until it was too late all because he was so afraid of getting covid. He had a series of strokes and suffered rather than going to the hospital. It was horrible. We could not convince him to get help.
Your partner is afraid. Totally understandable. You can give him facts, everything youcannotbeserious said. It may sink in.it may not. You can gently suggest that he get help from a professional. Will he go? I am college educated, degree in psychology, married to a doctor who works with viruses...and I am terrified of covid. Logic cannot take away my fears and concerns. My husband and family understand and accept me as I am. We work around things to make me feel safe.
Your mate may never be the same and I am afraid you may need to accept it. I hope things get better for both of you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (19 March 2022):
 Firstly, let me say I am really sorry you are going through this. It must be very difficult for you.
This is not a case of being right or wrong. Everyone has been affected differently by the whole covid circus. You have kept your head and taken a more rational view, while your partner has been completely brainwashed by the propaganda to which the world was subjected, to such a point he can only recognise this way of thinking and living. He is now in "survival mode" and afraid for his life. He is not the only one whose mental health has suffered as a result of being bombarded 24/7 by messages of doom and gloom which have resulted in people being afraid to share space with other people. The experts who were putting together the "programming" knew exactly how to get to (the majority of) people.
Sadly many studies have proved that, once someone is a total "believer", like your partner, showing them evidence which is against what they have come to believe can be pointless because, regardless of the "proof" you show them, they will still not believe anything different. You could show him death statistics for the UK for the last few years and show him there was no "spike" in deaths in the last 2 years (apart from the usual seasonal ones). You could explain to him that, even IF he gets the virus, unless he is particularly vulnerable, he has a 99%+ chance of recovery from it. You could explain the jabs he would like everyone to get - to protect HIM I assume? - don't stop the recipient contracting or passing on the virus. All they MAY do is help them fight the virus IF they contract it. They are, therefore, not vaccines but "treatments". What other illness have you known where people have taken treatments without having the illness? I could go on but it is probably totally pointless.
Your partner is terrified for his life at the moment. You know and I know this is not logical but his mind is not operating logically at the moment. It may help you to remind yourself that this is not a conscious choice on his part. At some point you may have to resort to professional help for him to overcome what has become virtually a phobia. I would advise living your own life as much as you are able, while having sympathy for his fear. You can't force him to see things your way. The wedding may need to be postponed until he has learned to live life again.
Wishing you both all the very best. Again, I'm sorry you are both going through this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2022): There is no right or wrong and I think it is unfair to judge husband this way, he is being cautious for a good reason, there is no point to being laid back and taking risks and then saying oh dear I have the virus, once you have it you have it and you cannot undo your mistakes. I can think of several people I know who are the same as your husband. Some of our family were going to visit us for their yearly visit last year and were going to cancel for fear they would catch the virus off of us when they get here for a week. It made no real sense at all as both of us have had all of the jabs and were feeling perfectly well, they also knew that I am disabled and housebound and rarely meet anyone and am very cautious.
When all of this started my husband was going out to work each day meeting different people each day. He acknowledged that we have to be careful but did not see that meeting all of these people was a danger. Because I am on the very vulnerable list and housebound and disabled too I had to insist that he stop or did not come home to me after!
Lots of people that we know to speak to on phone, email etc have caught the virus since then, nobody can understand how come neither of us have caught it. But if I had not been elderly/housebound/disabled and on the vulnerable list I would not have been so concerned.
The best thing to do is accept he is cautious and do it your way but don't expect him to do the same thing. Go to the shops alone if he gets upset at the idea. But he has to accept that you could return with the shopping and the virus then, it's just as hazardous as going with you.
I've noticed that a lot of people in the uk have this very stupid idea that if their partner goes to the shop and they stay home that is safer than going together - it is not -
he might as well have the pleasure of going around the shops and getting out of the house with you then. Otherwise you can go and get it and bring it home to him too.
I would prefer a partner who is ultra cautious than the sort who says so what and does not try to prevent getting it
but that is me, you are you. Has it occurred to you that just as his way of dealing with it annoys you he might be annoyed at your way of dealing with it and think you are taking too many risks?
You cannot help him. You don't mean help him you mean change him. You have no right to try to change him anymore than he can insist you change.
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